The weekend after my first chemo went okay. I was tired and a little apprehensive about how I was going to be. I spent a lot of time watching TV, reading and ordering essentials on Amazon so that I could potter about doing odd projects and tasks. The Chemo folk had sent me a large chemo record card which I am supposed to carry with me at all time along with smaller cards so I decided to have a “chemo wallet” and bought a travel passport wallet which could accommodate the large record card without bending it. It also stores my next blood form. I thought it was a good idea, however the range of available wallets was not very inspiring so I decided to perk mine up a bit by sticking a badge to mine. One of my new hoodies came with a freebie patch so I opted to put that on my new chemo wallet. One of my little projects to keep me occupied which turned out well in the end.
I also took time out to set up the electronic picture frame I was given that can be contributed to by anyone on the family WhatsApp group. It is really neat and means I have a constant display of different family members together at different time, it will also take videos. Its a really neat bit of kit. A very thoughtful present and one that will be very useful when the expected new grandson arrives, which could be at any moment. So the weekend was one of pottering and self observation. I went back to all the photos I have used in the blog to calculate how long it was last time I had chemo before my hair fell out. It turns out that it happened quickly. Just fourteen days after my first session my partner and I visited the living museum in Birmingham where they film Peaky Blinders, it was there over lunch that I discovered my beard was falling out. So if things go the same I will lose my hair by Friday the 9th of January. I will be pleased if it does as it will be evidence that the poison is working. Its all good data.
My biggest challenge is bizarrely trying to drink two litres of water a day, I just cant do it. I manage one and a half litres at the most. I am supposed to be drinking two litres in order to flush the poison through my body and from the conversations I overheard in the chemo suite between a couple of other “chemoees” not drinking enough water can leave you feeling rougher than needs be. So I persevere but I am already fed up with orange squash and water and I am branching out to Red Bull and Lucozade.
Monday arrives and I wake up late feeling rank, its a real effort to pull myself together. I wake initially about eight o’clock but then fall back into a deep sleep and wake up surprised at about ten o’clock or later feeling grim. Its an effort to shake this off but I manged this morning by taking a shower. My partner had gone to the gym so I made breakfast and tried to clear the debris that I had created whilst lounging over the weekend. Once I had cleared the decks there was space to try and catch up with the blog. In my spell of Amazon buying I ordered notelets so that I can get myself writing letters again and give me a chance to use my lovely new fountain pen. So once they arrive today I can get underway and make contact with friends again via written words. At the moment I am not sure how I am but I am torn about exercise. I desperately want to row again but I have not since the 1st of December when I passed blood, which took me by surprise and frightened me. It had not happened since I had my bladder stone removed some time ago and I thought I was clear of such things. I have bought new swimming shorts and plan to go swimming at the gym pool as soon as I feel up to it as I am desperate to do some exercise to combat the chemo effects, one of which is weight gain caused by the accompanying steroids. For now I rest, catch up with reading and writing and try to remain calm. This rechallenge requires me to recognise that I do not have the levels of energy that I had six years ago the first time round. So my watch words are pace and being kind to myself.
Of course inevitably I find myself writing and stuff falls out of me in these circumstances. Here are three that appeared.
483
I feel quite shaky,
my rechallenge began
on Boxing Day.
The sounds of infusion
softly intrusive
and the sense of
something in my vein
remains.
I watch carefully
For things not the same,
calculate when my hair
will fall
and try to drink
water enough for
a goldfish.
Really is not dramatic
it’s mundane survival
like Claudius accepting
the poisoned mushrooms
and accepting the consequences
and hope that death
slides by once more time.
483 29-12-2025
484
I’ve written
“this pen this ink”
before.,
but as it flows
from my
Montblanc
the joy is
so much
more!
484 29-12-2025
485
Fuck sitting in the audience,
I’m in the ring!
It’s backbone time,
I’m a contender
swinging with both hands
and fighting again.
This is the comeback,
the rising up
and being active.
This is my choice,
my gamble,
my fight,
my victory
everyday
I stand.
465 29-12-2025
