Saturday and I wake up knowing that I need to get ready to meet friends for late lunch. So I spend time doing my self maintenance chores and getting ready including a shower and checking that Elsie, the new car, is ready for the outing. By the time I am ready I am cutting it fine. The place where we are meeting has been closed and reopened as an upgraded restaurant. The five of us arrive in dribs and drabs and get shown to the table. Having settled down to drinks we chat about how we are and what is going on for us. I give everyone a copy of Man to Man and they give them back to me and insist that I sign them. We order food and an as the meal goes on we drift into the state of the world and I guess like so many other people try to make sense of what is going on in the world. It comes to paying our bills for the meal and because we are smart people we get the sums right first time. There are goodbyes and a next date for December is fixed.

I drive home to an evening of something I do not remember and get to my evening meds. Finally I get to sleep.

Sunday and having slept well enough I have breakfast and get dressed. I have done my vitals and suspect that the Steroids maybe lowering my blood pressure. I also weigh slightly less than before the Steroids but probably because I have cut out sweets and goodies. Just so many confounding variables. I then make a really stupid decision. I decide to go to M&S on the local shopping campus to return some oversize trousers I bought on line. I take my partner as we need food and some other bits. I drive to the retail park and its packed. It takes ages to park and then there is a long walk to M&S. The refund goes to plan but I can feel myself loosing it as I hot flush and increasingly become irritated by humanity. I find trouser racks and grab examples of what might fit me and head for the changing rooms. There I try to inadvertently try to queue jump but the queue gets pointed out to me and I wait till a booth becomes available. I find two pairs of trousers that sort of fit me and and get them paid for as soon as I can. Then its on to the food hall. By now I am hating the whole experience, the people, the activity the whole thing and there is more to come. With the evening meal sorted there are vests to be brought by my partner. We wander into the women’s section and sort through the under wear till finally w have what we want. By now I just want out, how stupid was I to even contemplate doing this on a Sunday, I must be loosing whatever judgement I had. The place is full of meandering, tottering people who inexplicable stop moving and look around like sheep surprised by sheep dog. It is hell. My partner and I make it back to the car. As we go some woman is saying to her child “why do you think I am going to say no?” the child in tears says ” because I’m crying” , the woman says ” and why are you crying” and the girl sobs ” because you hurt me” and the woman says “Excuse me!” I have walked on by now just wanting to be away but I then hear the same little crying out ” no daddy, please daddy”, I actually stop and turn round but cannot see where they are, I go onto the car and drive to our local garden centre where I chill over a milkshake.

I finally get home with some plants and bulbs and watch a rugby match before I start to poach pears in wine for tonight’s desert. With my pears gently simmering in the spicy liquor my partner prepares the main meal. It all comes together well and the family eat just in time to be siting in front of the TV for Strictly Come Dancing, the result show. There is a terrific amount filler in the show but it eventually gets to the end and the bit everyone is there for. It is of course the big barrow boy with two left feet, no musicality or sense of rhythm who goes. Thank god I don’t have to watch a chirpy chappy drag himself round a dance floor for any longer then necessary.

I start to catch up on drafting the blog to the background of the latest Cillian Murphy film Stevie. Too much of the film too familiar to my old life. I finish the blog and and take my meds before bed. Tomorrow I start a new round of meds admin and Tesco order delivery. Today has taught me to be cautious when I choose to go out into the world and to be wary of a world I am not sure I belong in any more. I think I might be going down with a dose of anthropophobia.