Wednesday, seems a long way away now that I am at Friday morning but I do remember that my partner and I rose relatively early and that I drove into town in Elsie. Having parked up we walked in to the centre of town. What a depressing experience Leicester is, its all nail bars, monosodium glutimate restaurants and and boarded up shops. The shopping centre has the same array with an odd techno or watch shop. It is not a place I would go Christmas shopping in. My partner returned some clothes to a high street brand and we then went into a jewellers. After a bit of looking at some mediocre stuff we left and headed for another jewellers that I had used before. Here we spent more time looking at the stock. It seems to me that nowhere carries any where near the stock they used to, I guess none of them can afford to now that the internet has taken over the shopping habits of the population. Eventually a decision is reached, of course the object is going to have to be made but with luck and a following wind it might actually be available before Christmas. There is a bit of a haggle and a slight lowering of the price, half of which I paid, the rest on delivery.
After a coffee and pastry I drive us home. I decide its time I shared my thoughts about my cancer options with my partner so I wrote my preferred option on a card and put it in an envelope and gave my partner a card and an envelope and encouraged her to write her thoughts. With that done we opened each others envelopes. They did not match, so there followed a quite long discussion of what the options and our understandings of the options. It was a useful discussion and prompted me to read a bit more. In the early evening we were picked up by friends and went off to a local pub to indulge in “pie night”. Having drunk coffee for the first time in months earlier in the day I went all in and had a glass of red wine with the meal, not having had a drink in months, possibly years. It is probably to do with how I am feeling and dealing with an impossible decision. It was a lovely evening and good to talk to people outside the family. We returned home and I took my meds and watched some rubbish TV until I went to bed still not any clearer about what decision I am going to make.
Thursday arrived and I took my time getting up, checking my vitals before doing so. By and large my vitals have remained good and steady. The morning was taken up with getting ready to go with my partner to have our nails done. It is an extravagance but it provides something different that we can share. I always have something subtle and on this day it was no different. I suppose many people might look askance at a man of my age having my nails done and including polish and a subtle sparkle but I find it a pleasing experience, it is good to be pampered, I also learn new things. For example the salon had run out of my usual subtle sparkle so I had to decide on a new coating. What I choose was a “tigers eye” coating which is finished off by passing a magnet over the coating to shift the metallic particles in it to form patterns and to get the “tigers eye” effect. It was fascinating to see it come together. Just to top it off and be seasonal I had a snowflake painted on one nail of each hand. I was really pleased with them.
I do not usually do this but here is a plug for the Aumspas at David Lloyd Fosse Park in Leicester. Chloe is responsible for my lovely ” tigers eye” nails including the festive snowflake artwork. It is always a pleasure to visit and have my nails renewed and I always come away very happy with my new nails. Never too old to try something new.
While my partner was having her feet and hands finished I retired to the David Lloyd gym lounge and spent time catching up with what was in my head and wrote some poems that had been bubbling around as a result of my situation with my cancer.
475
And now I don’t know.
I ‘ve read and talked,
reflected and worked
to make sense
of it all.
I still don’t know,
my partner has a
different view
and so I study more
trying to understand.
I conclude
that not knowing
is the logical
conclusion.
No choice is
not an option,
every choice
a different way to die.
Now I know
there is no knowing.
It’s a roll of the dice
in the universe.
Here I am
Schrödinger’s cat
sat on my knee.
475 27-11-2025
477
I long to write expansive poems like Darwish and Ginsberg that illuminate, that take the fibres of life and weave them into others being, To find themes that skewer the heart to the expression of life. I want to pull the strings that lead others down a path to hidden gardens and waves of engulfment that leave them feeling the hugeness of the sky, the speed of light and the briefness of life,
But I stumble,
trip over myself
and find dirt
in my mouth,
death in my eyes
and a gyroscope
running fast,
defying gravity,
in my head,
leaving me
facing death
and its cold
finality.
477 27-11-2025
My partner soon joins me and we go off to the local superstore where I put a favourite jumper in for dry cleaning and we roam the baby aisle picking out new clothes for the grandchild to be and the grandchild that is. With our bags full we drive to the local garden centre for snack and a drink before returning home. There is a face time call with my youngest daughter who is expecting a new son at the end of December. In passing it is mentioned that the spare bedroom is no longer a bedroom but an office as the spaces in the house are rearranged to make room for the new baby and the management of the family. New life has a way of changing things, in this instance it means that my partner and I will not be able to stay given our needs and the requirements of the new family structure. It is something that we must think about and find ways to manage in the future but at the moment we have enough on our plate to deal with.
The evening rolls round and there is a simple tea, football, Race Across the World and the end of The Game to watch. Finally there meds to take before getting into bed and soem sleep to be sort. It is another day gone before my next oncology review on Tuesday, when a decision is due. I am closer to one but not yet 100% certain.
Friday and there are bloods to be taken, so after a warm drink, bagel and the usual taking of my vitals , all good, I get ready to go to the GP surgery. I walk down to the surgery and log in and very soon my 28 day jab nurse calls me in, apparently my usual bloods nurse is not around. It does not go well, my left arm vein is not playing ball and there is a lot of pushing “just a little bit more” and more fist clenching before the needle gets in and the Dracula vials get filled. I can feel my arm throb under its fluffy cloud of cotton wool as I walk to the co-op to get a paper. Once home my partner goes to the gym and I do the crosswords. I am on form and flash through them with any Google aid at all. With that out of the way I settle down to draft the blog. I am taken aback by the fact that I have not written anything in the last couple of days, which I think is an indication of the level of activity and distraction that has been going on. I get the usual feedback request about my visit to the hospital and I find myself irritated by it, as the resulting poem shows.
478
“as a valued patient”
the text says
as it asks me
to rate
my last visit.
What the fuck
does this mean?
“a valued patient”
that is dying
but provides employment,
makes all that training
worthwhile, student debt
tolerable and
the caring professions
feeling good.
“a valued patient”
Full of pharma,
giving profits
and status to industrialised
caring and potions.
“ a valued patient”
Nameless,
full of numbers,
a feedback
data generator
in order to show
the medics
and the medicines
work.
“as a valued patient”
Who has just been told,
fuck off and die,
you can shove
your survey
up your arse.
And yes I am angry
and I am glad for it,
for it lights the fire
in my belly
that stokes
me up
to fight
what is beyond
the grasp
of statistics
and questionnaires.
“as a valued patient”
you piss me off!
478 27-11-2025
Moving on, its time to write Christmas cards before a tolerable evening of TV, rugby and the late night results of my blood test that frankly scare me shitless at the moment, but I cannot blink or look away, the enemy has to be stared in the face, the anger in the belly focused and the fight continued, because when all is said and done I’d rather be here than not. There are people I love and care about and I’m not about to surrender any time I can have with them.
