Tuesday and its to be a day of going off into the sunset so it is necessary to get up ad get on with things today. To that end I am up and into my training kit before making my partner a warm drink. I leave her supping tea while I go to the garage to row for half an hour. It was a reasonable row and I manged to reach my 6 kilometre standard.

I record my session and then have breakfast before showering and getting ready in my travelling clothes. There is time to pack the car leisurely and to have a light lunch before setting off for a hotel near Shrewsbury. The drive is a strange SatNav led journey taking us where neither of us expected. It looked like a straight run across the A5 but we managed at least three motorways and one of those was a toll road. After some wandering around the wiggly bit at the end of the journey we finally pulled into the hotel drive.

We check in and are shown to our room, its okay. After a brief rest we make our way to the bar and sit in the sun sipping our drinks. The rest of our luggage is retrieved from the car and we return to room to change for dinner. Having looked at the “fine dining” menu and decide it looked like something an eight year old food phobic who was just learning French would put together and decided to eat in the bar. Thankfully it was all familiar without a ju or foam in sight. As we ate the thunderstorm that had started when we were in our room continued. It was the first real rain we had seen for weeks, but then we are further west. Having finished the meal we wandered to the hotel gym and Spa to have a look around, it was quite good for a hotel.

Back in the room the TV does not get BBC so we start to watch a film on an i-pad, it is uncomfortable. I return to the blog and my partner goes to the bar. I am tired, very tired, end of cycle, hot flush tired and my back aches so I sign off early with my night meds and hope I can get to sleep early tonight as tomorrow we go to the Shropshire sculpture park, a half hours drive away.

Monday and I wake early and then get taken hostage by warm blankets for another two hours before I rise up and take my vitals and get on with the day. Todays getting on with it is firstly training, so I get into my kit, down my morning meds, get my earbuds in and go to the garage where the rower was waiting for me. It’s four days since I trained so it has to be an hour session. I strap in and panic a bit as I note my fitness tracker is low on juice but I get going any way. Its a tough a session and I fall below my preferred level, but after a four day gap this some times happens. It takes time to warm up and get some of the stiffness out of my back . By the end of the session I am pulling well and working hard, not bad for a Monday.

I grab a Red Bull and record the session and then there is some admin to do. Most important of all is that my partner has cleared out the kitchen cabinets of all the old cookware we do no use and got it ready to go in the Hippo Bag. I load the the stuff up into the Hippo Bag and then arrange to have it picked up. With that done there was time to visit Moon Pig for some cards before finally getting some soup and bread for lunch. My partner and I have a good look at the garden bed by bed and decide what work needs doing and how we want the garden to look over the next few months and what is likely to flower this year or next.

With the plan made it was time to go to the village shop and pharmacy to pick up a few things that we need before going away on our two night trip to the Shropshire Sculpture Park. Of course as soon as I am home I get going on the days crosswords. I do three each day when I get the paper, they are simple (mostly) but keep me thinking and working at words and phrases. With the crosswords done I start to pack for the next two days. I am trying to keep it as minimalist as possible but with a dodgy weather forecast for the next three days its a challenge. With the bulk done I start to draft the blog being interrupted by the Tesco delivery. Its that time of day when a meal signals the start of the slide into evening. I am hoping I have the gumption to light the chimenea and burn a few confidential documents before giving into TV, a shower and finally bed. I note that the book I was reading is looking abandoned on the coffee table and promise myself to take it with me on the trip.

The things that I really want to have are messages from my possible new editing/publishing team so that The Cancer Years: Ordinary Brave can move forward and of course how my friends are. I have been very inattentive to them recently as I have not written letters, something I hope to put right in the near future.

Saturday was from the off going to be a busy day, its cup final day and Eurovision. Having got up I went off early to collect my mended laptop. It was a quick trip once home there was time for breakfast and then I got down to putting my files back onto the repaired laptop. The first step is simply to retrieve documents and pictures, which went pretty well. Then of course I had to re-install Windows Office. I had to dig out an external disc drive and hook it up but it work very well.

With the the basic IT done it was time to down load a couple of late poems for the afternoon poetry stanza. While I was doing this my partner was hosting a couple of her chitty chatty chums on the patio with the chimenea lit. Having printed off the new poems I read them through and get ready for the stanza meeting.

The poetry stanza is full this month so everyone is good at keeping to the time constraints. It is a varied group of poems this month and I find myself really engaged. My own contribution was well received, which was pleasing as the particular poem I offered was one I thought was reasonably good. As soon as the Stanza finishes I am straight in front of the the TV to watch the cup final, not a classic but good that a new team wins it. There is a relatively short break and then it is Eurovision song contest. My partner and I settle in in the sofa and I draw up a score sheet. For three hours we listen, rate the performances on some idiosyncratic criteria and then watch the official results. All of this accompanied by over spill goodies from my partner hosting friends and a bottle of red wine. Austria win with a sing that nobody will be able to sing as the male singer is a trained soprano. Gone midnight I take my meds, don my finger splint and go to bed having got the dishwasher under way.

Sunday and I wake up still Eurovision hung over but eventually get up to a bagel breakfast, having checked that my vitals are okay. As I have noticed my tyres are needing attention I drive with my partner to the local garage and get them sorted and top up my tank. From there we go to a garden center and pick up some top soil and potting compost. We also take pity on bush fuchsia and bring that home with us. Over the rest of the afternoon there is intermittent football watching and gardening. The new fuchsia is planted in the free pot on the patio and sunflower seeds are put into the cold frame. With the sun going down tea is eaten and I set up a Tesco order while my partner sorts out a short break next week so that we can visit the Shropshire sculpture park. The rest of the evening I draft the blog and prepare for an early night. Night meds, finger splint and then head down for sleep.

Friday and I wake to find I am alone, my partner has slept in the spare bed in order to sleep. I check my messages and vitals before she returns and I get up to make us warm drinks. We plan the day and I start to prepare for a call from a potential new team who could do what the Americans did for me on my poetry collections. I now know what my fourth collection will be called in the Cancer Years series, its to be The Cancer Years: Ordinary Brave. On the dot of 10:30 two things happen, firstly I get my telephone call and secondly my partner appears with a fried egg sandwich. The telephone call became very business like! It appears that this team called Ruler’s Wit can do all the things the Americans can do. I agree to send them a zip file the way I did with the Americans so that the team can see the material and give me a quote for the work that is needed. As soon as the call is over I send the team the zip file.

With the first business of the day done I and my partner go to the nearest garden center to buy cakes and other goodies so that while I am Zooming the poetry stanza tomorrow my partner can entertain her chitty chatty chums on the patio in the sunshine. Its a quick trip but what we get means that cooking this evening is made simple. When I get home I get a message from a friend to tell me that the foster daughter of a friend has died of cancer. Although not unexpected it is a blow and a send a message to my friend. I distract myself by preparing for tomorrows poetry stanza zoom meeting. I print out the ten poems and read them through in readiness. As always there are those that have immediate appeal and those that pass me by or are too difficult on first reading to grasp. Its why hearing some one read them is so valuable. I order my monthly supply of drugs as its not long to my 28 day jab and then I fill two weeks worth of dosettes.

I do the day crosswords and then I wander into the garden to see if my partner has mastered the power washer but find her brushing the patio with water from a watering can. It appears the washer is a bit tricky. So I spend sometime figuring out how it al goes together, then after a few false starts it leaps into watery action. My partner and I clean the patio using the jet washer and the patio cleaner attachment. Great fun and sense of achievement. With the patio clean I pack the new toy away and return to the sofa to watch some athletics, during which I get a call telling me my computer is ready to be collected.

Th evening starts with food and more athletics followed by a live rugby match, Have I got news for you and drafting the blog. I have a nagging sense that I have not responded well enough to my friends loss and begin to think about what might be more appropriate. I draft the blog and take my night meds before heading for my bed.

Thursday and my first thought is “where is the sunshine” and then I remembered this is England and its May. So I look at the emails and messages and do my vitals before getting up. In a moment of optimism I put on shorts but as soon as I go down stairs I realise this is a mistake. I make breakfast and set about trying to choose which poem I will offer up the Stanza on Saturday. I eventually choose 445, the one that has given me the tittle of the fourth collection in the Cancer Years Series, namely Ordinary Brave.

445

There’s a lot written

about being brave,

lots of slogans

and wise sayings

but none seem to

quite fit.

No one asks to be

Cancer brave,

it’s an unwanted

accolade.

Quietly many men

and their loved ones

get on with things,

each being brave

in their own way.

There is no media fanfare

or out pouring of admiration,

nor is there a rush to do things,

fund raise or join a movement,

just the soft tread through the fear.

If there are tears

they are shed privately

once the mundane is done

and there is a quiet moment

to reflect.

Anger is dissipated

gently, released in gardens,

and in putting things

in order in consideration

of those to be left behind.

It is the resilience unexpectedly

found in the depths

that makes us brave

in ways that can only

be ours.

Ordinary people being

ordinary brave

in ordinary ways

with one eye

on the end of

our days.

                                                  445  02-05-2025

I am happy with my choice and send it off, its a Zoom Stanza this month. There are odd jobs that I do and then its time to take my ailing laptop to the clever people at Curry’s. My partner drives me and I present my laptop to a quiet Australian guy and explain what is happening with it. He tells me what the options are and I go for a complete wipe and re-instillation of the system. Its going to cost me £45 pounds and if it does not work I will get another refurbished one as any further work on the laptop means it has to go away, cost another £50 just to be looked at and then the cost of putting it right, which is very likely to be more than I paid for it.

With my laptop cozy in a repair box I head for boots to by some medicinal cream. They did not have what I was looking for but a possible substitute, how the shop assistant behaved like a medical expert who kept trying to get me to tell her what I wanted it for despite my clear statement that my doctor had prescribed if for me. Nosey cow, a bloody shop assistant expecting me to tell her my medical need and potion usage. In the end I left with my cream and her telling me to read the enclosed leaflet. I get pissed off on two counts, one I have a right to my privacy and secondly I object to being patronised because I’m perceived as older.

My partner and I move onto the gym for, in my case ,a fruit tea and a cookie. I settle in and start to do some life admin. I chase up an application by ring the office only to get a message that the office was now closed and opens Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm, I was ringing at 3:13 pm, so someone was wagging it. My partner reappears with her hair cut and we return home. More life admin, another nonsensical letter from HMRC. So a couple of emails need to be sent. Finally there is time to start to draft todays blog. The evening slides towards me as does the second semifinal of Eurovision Song contest. My money is still on Albania. So I am going to have a glass of red wine and put my feet up and be entertained until its time to take my meds and get off to bed. Tomorrow is all about getting ready for the poetry stanza, so there are lots of new poems to read.

Firstly to any one who has been trying to catch up with the blog since Sunday, apologies. I have not been able to get into my website since Monday morning until now, Wednesday evening, so I’ve probably forgotten a lot of stuff over the last couple of days so this is going to be highlights and a nd insight into the trivia that my mind retains.

Monday was bright and sunny and it was a day I had earmarked to train on. So I guess I got up and got into my training gear and headed for the rower in the garage. It was a 45 minute session, I know this because I took my usual photo of the monitor at the end of the session. It appears to have gone okay, not a personal best but okay after a 5 day gap in training.

To be honest the rest of Monday is a bit of a blank apart from the usual round of meds. I know I felt “itchy scratchy” all day and read a lot, in fact I finished Orbit, a short but lovely book that tracks events in the life of astronauts as they orbit the earth 16 times in one earth day, which is in fact what they do. Its a thought provoking book but I loved all the factual small things about living in a space station. I was rather taken with the mice that learned to stop clinging to the bars and let themselves float about, unfortunately all the mice were doomed to be sacrificed for the sake of science, a fast not lost on one of the characters. Once I had finished Orbit I started on Ryka Aoki’s Light from Uncommon Stars a science fiction fantasy novel that has a trans girl at the center of the story. Its an unusual mix of characters but I fear I might be heading for a Disney ending where the trans violinist ends up happy and famous, while her ” sold her soul to the devil” teacher avoids going to hell and the alien that runs a donut shop goes off into space to do other things. I suspect there some of these things to be intermingled. It is when I came to draft the blog that I found I was in real trouble as I could not gain access to the website. There was a lot of trying to get back in with out success so I had to leave it and go to bed disgruntled. One of my big fears is losing the website and the blog it makes me feel cut off and isolated.

Tuesday came around and with it the challenge of trying to retrieve the website. After morning meds I started to try to get into my website. I failed miserable and in the end gave up. So as a way of distracting myself I accompanied my partner to her routine breast screening. On arrival it became apparent that there had been an admin cock up and she was not on the list for the day. After a bit of huffing and puffing (literally) the reception person came back to the desk to say they could fit her in. So I sat in the waiting area wondering if they would contemplate doing mine given my hormonal depletions and consequences but chose to read instead. I know hospitals and had taken a book. Once my partner was called in it was very little reading time later that she reappeared. With the screening done we went for lunch in town.

It was a very pleasant lunch on a bright and sunny afternoon after which we returned home, where I continued my website rescue but it was soon obvious that it was not going to happen. I was not pleased in fact not gruntled at all. Unable to read I got to filling the Hippo Bag with all the crap that needs to go from the garden so that the new storage shed can be sited when it arrives. Pleasingly there is room left for some kitchen crap to go as well. By the time I had finished I was out of spoons and drifted into the evening. Though the day there were highlights like a call from a friend and a message from the book preparation people asking for a video call to discuss my needs. But still no website access. Night meds and bed.

Wednesday and I wake to my partner going off to see her mother having already had a walk around the village. I do my usual pre raising rituals and then I get into my training gear, take my morning meds and then head for the garage and the rower. Today I decide I need to go for an hour session so I get some calming music into my ears and get going. I take it easy to start with and then I build up to a faster final quarter. The session sees me end a very sweaty person and happy to have got through the hour.

I record the session and then shower. I have lunch on the sunny patio with my partner and then return to the website conundrum and unexpectedly it resolves itself. I am very pleased. I notice there are squirrels playing in the garden, they are small and clearly this years kits. My partner point out that the Iris have flowered. These are my grandfathers Iris that he brought from his job at Kew Gardens.

Inspired by the playing squirrels I get out one of the good cameras that I know can take a decent picture or video. After a bit of basic maintenance I get some pictures of one of the squirrels and the flowers.

By the time I’ve sorted camera there is the watering can to mend again. I try soldering it but fail so go back to superglue and see what happens. The evening meal comes around and then I start to draft the blog, while the TV throws out Race Across the world. I am relieved to be able to blog, having lost it for a while made realise how important it is to me. When checking my emails I find one from the Kindle Publishers who supply Amazon, they think I should check my copyright and my registration of it with the USA authority. I have replied that this was all done for me by Writers Clique and do not how to do what they are asking. I will wait to see what happens. For now its meds and bed happy to be back. My tip for Eurovision is Albania.

Sunday and I am up making warm drinks quite early. Sunday is my weigh in day and today I come in at 99.7 kilos, the lightest I have been for a while. I had already designated today a reading day so after some toast I start to read. I have three books that I am reading at the moment. My day starts with finishing the re-read of Terry Pratchetts’s Night Watch. Its a terrific book and one of his books that on occasions make me laugh out loud. A friend once described him as the modern day Johnathon Swift.

As the day goes on I read in between rugby matches and a light lunch. The reading is punctuated by the garden guy coming to mow the lawns and Amazon delivering me new shorts. The two other books I have on the go are Samantha Harveys’s Orbital and Ryka Aoki’s Light from Uncommon Stars. One, Orbital is about a group of people’s experience orbiting the earth the the other is about a deal made by a violinists deal with the devil.

I read and draft the blog once the rugby is over and easy into the evening and a mixture of TV and reading. Tomorrow must be a training day and a day where I try to work through my growing todo list. So having had my lazy Sunday it is back to keeping things organised.

Friday and I wake up and find my partner who is off to the gym. I get up, having taken my vitals and get into my training kit. After a brief breakfast and my morning meds I get into the garden and start to tidy things up. After preparing another flower bed ready for my partner to sow the flower seeds she bought the other day. I am hot and tired when I get back inside the house for a rest, just before the post person delivered a large envelope addressed to my eldest daughter. And then the fun began, the letter was from HMRC.

Yes that is right the delay in responding, which they apologised for, was 76 weeks! What they were demanding was a tax return (self assessment) for the tax year before my sister died! They have sent the letter to the family member who was the executor for my sisters estate, which was wound up 53 weeks ago! Only Her Majesties Revenue and Customs could be so inept, idiotic and ineffectual. But it meant that I and my eldest daughter spent the rest of the day going through the accounts from my sisters estate and talking to HMRC in between emailing and talking to the accountants to who sent the letter to HMRC 76 weeks ago. There are some interesting complexities but as the estate is closed there is no one to complete a tax return, is raises some issues. Can HMRC get dead people to fill in a tax for what is deemed a personal tax liability. Can HMRC collect taxes from dead people? That is called death duties that in this case have all been paid, so is this double jeopardy. After a day of having to drag myself through all my dead sisters papers all over again I am battered and homicidal, I just drag myself into the evening and watch TV until I take my meds and retreat to bed, with a sense that there will be more HMRC nonsense ahead. It feels as if I am stepping into a Kafkaesque world.

Saturday and having put HMRC behind me for at least the weekend I wake up and find my partner still fast asleep. Eventually I get up and like my partner have breakfast, take my meds and get ready to go shopping. Its a raid on Sainsburys, cash from the ATM and a pile of fruit and veg with a smattering of meat. Once home its rugby for me but its interrupted by the arrival of a mystery parcel. When I open it I find an official Lions baseball cap for the coming Lions tour. It can only be from one of my friends, so I message him and send him a picture of me in it.

I watch a rugby match and when its over I swing into cook mode. Tonight I am making Mary Berry’s pork Stroganoff. It goes very well and I make two versions one using soured cream, and as my eldest daughter does not do well with dairy, a white wine version. it goes down well. By the time I have eaten I am knackered and escape to Dr Who ( not impressed so far) and then take to drafting the blog. The evening ends with meds and some reading before putting on the finger splint and settling down.

Thursday and this is the first day of Cycle 25 of my chemo. I started it on the 10th of June 2023 so I am just four weeks and a bit off of being on the Enzalutamide for 2 years. Apparently this is good. Officially this drug is a nonsteroidal antiandrogen that inhibits the binding of testosterone to the androgen receptor. In theory this prevents the testosterone from stimulating the growth of cancer cells. In combination with the 28 day injections of Degarelix it seems be holding my metastatic prostate cancer at bay. The Degarelix is a hormone therapy, it is a gonadotropin -releasing hormone (GnRH)that works by preventing the pituitary gland from producing GnRH. It is GnRH that stimulates the testicles to produce testosterone, so by blocking it, Degarelix lowers testosterone levels in the body, which is also supposed to slow or stop the growth of prostate cancer that rely on testosterone.

Of course there are down sides to both these drugs. The list of common and possible side effects is huge but mostly fatigue, which is not surprising if I have no, or next to no, testosterone. Yet my oncologist keeps telling me that hard exercise is the best way to counter the side effects of the drugs. A neat catch 22. No testosterone so train hard! Bastard. But it explains why I continue to clamber on to the rowing machine and try to work up reasonable sweat. But not today, while my my partner is out for a walk with an old work colleague I plan to attack the garden, clear the access to the compost bin and remove the unsightly and falling apart green plastic greenhouse. First there is a fried egg sandwich to be eaten and morning meds to be had. Thursdays is the addition of my vitamin D tablet. Soon I shall rattle with all the pills I take.

Having clambered into my work trousers and got my feet into my “steely” boots I hit the garden and start to raise the skirts of the fir trees and clear the path to the composting heap in it is wooden crate. With that done I can prepare the top bed for my partner to start sowing a wild flower bed. As my partner returns form her walk I start to take down the old and shabby plastic green house. She joins in and fairly soon we have it down and bagged ready to go into the Hippo bag. By the time I’ve organised what is to go into the Hippo bag, what needs keeping till the new storage shed arrives and what is rubbish I am verging on the knackered. The last thing to do is put all the tools away and divest myself of my working clothes. Finally I can sit down and down a Red Bull and a Crunchie.

With everything away I take to the sofa and check my emails. I pay the deposit on the new garden storage unit that’s been ordered and I also get a response from the a publishing support organisation that I contacted. They are coming back to me next week, it would be nice to have a UK based support team rather than the Americans, but I guess there could be a down side. The Americans just wanted my money and were prepared to deliver for it, the Brits might be a bit more “fluffy”, we shall see.

So I head into the evening feeling pleased I’ve cleared the garden but also feeling that there are things I need to do, however I am tired an its a football night, so I shall watch a game and get an early night as tomorrow I shall be filling a Hippo bag and continuing to shape the garden, which means some rock moving. I also need to train, remember the testosterone and the chemo affects, that’s where the fight is.

Wednesday and I wake up after a decent nights sleep. My partner brought me a hot water and then left to see her mother with her brother. I took my vitals, which were good so I got up and in a fit of optimism donned my training kit. Before making my way to the garage I take my morning meds. I strap onto the rower and decide after yesterdays efforts to go for a thirty minute session. I go for it, in the sense that I start off hard and try to maintain it for as long as possible. The result is that by the end of the session I have achieved a personal best. I am surprised but feel chuffed by the experience.

I record the session full of self congratulations and then tuck into toast and Lucazade. Having recovered from the row I shower and freshen up. By the time I am sparkling fresh my partner has returned just in time to see me drive off to the chiropodist. Arriving at the chiropodist I settle into the chair and de sock myself. What follows is some polite chit chat as my feet are pampered and all my troubled nails are put back into working order for the next two months. At the end of the session my feet feel joyous and I pay, book my next session and then literally skip out of the chiropodist.

Once home I offer to take my partner for a coffee at the revamped garden center close to us. We arrive and order scones and drinks and then spend time looking at the revamped facilities. When we had finished we wandered round the place selecting packets of seeds and looking for inspiration in the food freezers. Back at home I feel I am running out of spoons (energy) and settle down to listen to Meet David Sedaris interrupted only briefly to help change the bed linen. I also respond to a message from a friend who was resting after a “procedure” yesterday. I of course wished him well and hoped he had whiskey to drink and idly ask what the “procedure” was. His reply was one of those that makes one wince. So having retired my friend is now facing recovering from circumcision! I will of course be sending him erotic literature!

I start to draft the blog knowing that tonight I shall watch a crucial football match and then strive to have an early night as tomorrow I hope to write letters. I mentioned yesterday that a friends daughter did a charity run for cancer with my name on her back. On the back of this I wrote a brief poem, which I share here.

446
Her mothers asked her 
"do you want to put a name
on your bib?"
They explained it could be,
a charity,
a person,
an organisation. 
Her reply was,
"Roland, how do you spell it?"
I saw the photo
before she set off
on the muddy race.
This ten year old
made me speechless
and humble,
by her spontaneous thought.
I've never been run for before,
and maybe never again,
but  in that moment,
I never felt so grateful
and touched beyond words.
Cancer like poetry
reaches out unexpectedly
and finds compassion.

                                                               446   06-05-2025