It’s Saturday morning 2am and my blood results are in, its not good, once again my PSA has risen. All my other bloods are either good or moving in the right direction. I’m gutted, I had hoped to be holding my own, but clearly I am not. My partner wakes up and comforts me and eventually after taking a couple of paracetamol I return to bed and try to sleep till the morning.

I do wake up later on Saturday morning and go to breakfast with my partner as the rain comes down and the lake looks distant. Breakfast is a refuel and then we return to the room. Over breakfast I found a first line and when back in the room I carried it on.

461
I stick my hand
down the throat 
of desperation,
seeking something to fight with.
My PSA rises again
and in my fatigue 
I search for anything 
to hold onto.
Over and over
my anchors strain
to remain strong, 
to fight, 
but:
I'm tired
and undermined
by my anxieties. 
Its an arm wrestle
with myself
over what owns
my body. 
The views are beautiful,
the food good,
the luxury top notch
but it pours with rain 
as I seek the energy 
to fight,
there is no relaxation

461 13-09-2025 Armathwaite Hall, Braithwaite.

Slowly my partner and I get ready to go walking in the grounds in between the heavy showers. We don boots and start our walk through yet another wedding throng using the hotel as their venue. The grounds are large and there are plenty of walk to take so we take a couple of short walks and find our way to the lakes edge.

On the way back from our walk we watch the bride and her brides maids gambolling about on the lawn with a photographer capturing it all as the rain comes down. We retreat ultimately to the lounge for drinks and sandwiches. While I rest and watch women’s world cup rugby my partner goes to the Spa and a splash in the heated infinity pool. The final final draft of my anthology comes through. At last it is finished and will soon be available. It is a relief and marks an important achievement. Now I can move on and consider an audio book.

My partner returns from the Spa to find me drafting the blog. I feel I can do no more today apart from shower, eat, pack and sleep. I’m disappointed with my blood results and now need to pick myself up for the return journey, Mondays jab and Wednesday’s oncology review. I feel another renaming of the blog coming on. I shall write no more today and concentrate on rest.