Monday and I am slow to wake, it was an interrupted night. Eventually I get up and make breakfast and take my morning meds. My partner is going out to have coffee with friends so I decide to take Elsie (the newish car) to the garage and fill her with petrol and take the opportunity to stock up on chocolate and goodies including more Red Bull. Its good to get behind the wheel again and to make a short trip. I know this is not exciting but when I feel so low on energy getting out to do a simple task is good news. I find myself scribbling a self instructional poem.
493
I just wanted to say
I’m struggling.
I sit fighting chemo
but all around me
the chores of everyday
life pile up.
Insurance, tax returns,
the bureaucracy of living
and taking care of myself
is drowning me.
My inactivity is killing me,
my fear of haematuria
paralyses me.
I need to exercise,
to engage but,
but the dishwasher is playing up
my lungs are full
and I’ve no energy.
I need to dig,
dig deep and find something
or else I am going to slide
deeper and loose my footing.
My environment reflects my mind
and at the moment it is messy
and chaotic, I crave
neat and tidy,
the return to a semblance
of control.
Must try harder,
and get a grip.
493 19-01-2026
Once I have returned there are crosswords to do from todays paper before I embark on a major clear up. I’m sick of being surrounded by old Christmas cards, letters, bills, and all the collected dross of living. I rabidly start to throw stuff away and put things in order. Bills to be paid are set to one side and a lot of old statements and bills get filed in the office. On top of this I shift outstanding work on the new poetry website. I dig out some content I had prepared and send it off to the person building the site for me. There was a request for photos of me for the site so I thought I would use my pre and post chemo rechallenge pictures. They are in stark contrast with each other.
How things and circumstances change and how interesting it is to be a chameleon. Eventually my decks are cleared, my external environment is tidy and manageable and strangely my head feels better for it. No surprise really, the inner and the outer environments are often reflections of each other. Along the way I have ordered new pairs of joggers, safe grip handles for the shower and an accounts book so that I can catch up with my tax return. By early evening all there is to do is eat, rest and wait for Tesco to deliver what is going to be a bit of a mystery basket. So I watch more Brokenwood Mystery’s until its unload and squirrel away time. I am tempted to watch Kill Bill 1 but take my meds and go to bed.
Tuesday and I am pleasantly surprised as my partner appears with a warm drink and toasted marmalade bagels. We lay and eat our picnic and discuss how we are and what the plan for the day is. We are still sleeping in separate rooms as my partner still has her cold and my immune system is crap at the moment due to chemo. Hopefully soon this can stop. While chatting we rediscover the nebuliser that we acquired some time ago so my partner gives it a go to see if it relieves her cough.
Once up I am in the kitchen clearing away and trying to keep straight. My partner hoovers while I clear stuff and pretty soon we are ready to go to a local garden centre for the treat of bacon rolls and black americano. The place is quite full, so I guess there are lots of people like us just looking to chill and to meander. With the end of the bacon rolls I grab a box of bird feeding suet balls. The birds in the garden have really taken to the fat ball dispenser that was a woven Christmas present from a friend. On the way out we grab half a dozen “free to a good home” plants and drive off to another village where my partner collects some jewellery that is being mended for my eldest daughter. I am surprised to find a jewellery designer and maker in this village. On a whim I have a conversation with the jeweller about using some of the jewellery that I have inherited and making it into something different. I’m tired of having old stuff laying around which is doing nothing and belonged to relatives I’ve no idea about. So if I can get it recast and made into something that I can wear or my family can wear then that seems a more healthy option. I am quite keen on this idea now that I see it as a possibility and see myself hunting through what I have. I have no idea what I might convert it into but then the jeweller said they could provide a designer to advise.
On returning home I immediately fill the bird feeder with new fat balls and top up the squirrel feeder. While I am at it I put new batteries in the wild life camera and re site it in the garden. I am interested to see if the hedgehogs are emerging and whether the squirrels are being active. My new joggers have arrived so I get into a new comfy pair of them and settle down to catch up with the blog while Alexa plays me relaxation music. I am feeling quite tired now and I am content to drift towards the evening with one eye on the door to see if my other Amazon purchases arrive. There is football to watch tonight as it is a European competitions week. Of all the things that need to be done to maintain myself and give myself the best survival chance, exercise is the most important. I have to find a way to exercise safely so as not to induce Haematuria. At the moment swimming is my best option, it is unfortunate that the gym pool is at the moment not very serviceable. I shall continue to work this out. As a final side note to my chemo rechallenge, I have started to develop dark rainbows on my nails in response to the chemo. Last time I got a ridge for each cycle, this time it appears to be dark arcs. Always something new to find.
