Saturday and only two things matter today, Poetry Stanza and the Strictly final, the fact that Brentford win away from home is just a bonus for the day. My partner brings me breakfast in bed, a real treat, and then I am up and trying to get the poem I am taking to the stanza to print out, I need twelve copies. The printer plays up and I have to spend ages getting the errors sorted out. By the time I have it all sorted out its time to leave for the stanza meeting clutching poems. sweets and mince pies.

The Stanza meeting is well attended and there are some terrific poems. I take my “waiting” poem. People are surprised by the amount of literary references in it. Some where in there are references to Dylan Thomas’s Under Milk Wood, Pablo Neruda’s Lament, The Life of Pi and Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Goddo.

481
I'm asked if I have a plan.
I have children's toothbrushes,
steroid tablets, and all the 
paraphernalia
to self inject.
I've had a pre-emptive haircut,
number three all over
as I anticipate it
falling out.
A new set of clippers 
to control any patchy growth. 
I have made sure I have a suit
that fits me, 
an act of faith, 
that at sometime 
there will be a need
to look smart,
a funereal perhaps?
Hopefully like butcher
Beynon's finger,
"not his own".
I wait
and listen
for the call,
the invitation to the 
chemo party, to submit
to the poison from the 
Yew tree, that will stiffen
the tubercles and kill the cells
that are busy devouring me
as I wait.
I am becalmed 
in a beautiful boat,
left with my enemy 
and the ever present battle,
waiting for reinforcements
that may never come,
held back for other foes
or redirected to those with
fewer birthdays behind them. 
A life of Pi but with an
invisible, untrainable tiger.
I wait
and try not to get excited,
to contain the anticipated
journey across the seas.
But as this silence 
and this pause goes on
my energy drains
and I cannot bear
the non arrival.
Does Goddo ever appear?
I feel like the luckless slinger
in whom everything sinks.
My one lament amongst
a life of joy,
and so
I wait.


481 14-12-2025

Back home I find that Tesco have delivered early so its an easy run into the evening. Curry leads to the final of Strictly. I sit and watch and for the first time I vote for my favoured contestant. I am pleased when the result reflects my vote. With the rest of the evening done I sit and watch the football highlights before I take my evening meds and retire to be. My blood results have come through but I have not looked at them, I do not think they are crucial at the moment, they are what they are and will the base line against which the chemo will be measured. I will of course look at them before I talk to the chemo nurse and the oncology review on Christmas eve. I have not trained now since the 1st of December when I passed blood after training. Although it cleared quickly I have not had the nerve to row since, so its been 21 days since I have trained. I think I want to start chemo before I train again. Having said that as from Boxing day I shall cut out all sweets, cakes, biscuits and goodies. In fact try and eat a healthy diet and exercise more, probably more swimming once the gym pool is back in use.

Sunday and I am awake early and make warm drinks. I take my vitals, all good there, and then I am up as a friend is visiting mid morning. My friend arrives and we sit and drink coffee and nibble treat as we talk about mutual colleagues and experiences in the prison system. It is good to see a friendly face and to be able to chat about so old history. After a good chat and an exchange of presents my friend leaves and my partner and I prepare to go to the local garden centre.

Our raid on the garden centre is successful and I stock up on chocolate creams for the festive season. Hopefully now all our Christmas shopping is done. When I get home I do the last of my wrapping in readiness for tomorrows trip to meet my youngest daughter and family. We are meeting them at an arboretum café half way to their house. With my preparation done I watch a rugby match and draft the blog for the weekend. The evening will see then end of a series that I have been watching and then it will be an early night, meds and bed in readiness for tomorrow.