Monday, a Bank Holiday, and its a very hot day. I get up and sit on the patio having eaten breakfast and taken my meds. I sit in the sunshine and write a poem felling overwhelmed, but not quite sure why.

532
So its thirty degrees plus
and I am up to my eyes
in rules. 
All the shoulds and oughts 
that would keep me alive.
The exercise I struggle to do,
the diet I should eat,
the tasks and to do list
that would give me 
quality of life. 
A life of denial of 
Dis and dat
to keep me healthy.
But I’m not, healthy that is,
I’m fighting prostate cancer
and the more ill I feel 
the greater the rules,
the rights and wrongs of 
survival grow.
If I gave them all up
what would become of me?
It all ends in death anyway
so what am I clinging to?
Life of course,
But I’m not sure why anymore.
If living becomes filled with tasks 
then life becomes a chore,
a series of tick off jobs
with no guarantees.
I tell myself its part of the battle,
the taking control,
of how I fight my corner
so I can stay longer.
Again I wonder for what if 
I cannot function well enough
to do the ordinary,
to be good enough.
I wonder if I’ve already lost
and what is worse is that 
I’ve mislaid my ability to be reckless.
A simple glass of wine,
an indulgence or two
seem to pass me by.
Remind me,
what am I living for again.
Just the satisfaction that I’m not dead yet?
Well that’s no life at all!
I think I am a coward,
I do as I’m told
I take my meds
I give my bloods
and struggle on,
what was it I’m looking for?
Quality of life!
Oh yes that,
It seems I have fucked that up.
A neat realisation as I wait for the 
pain killers to kick in.
Its all a malaise
in which I cling to words,
words to read and to write 
as I try to make meaning of all this.
It feels very alone 
and maybe that’s the point.
There is no one but me 
who can live and die this conundrum. 
It’s a rule.

						532 25-05-2026

As the day warms up to its scorching heat I alternate between soem gardening and sitting in the fan cooled lounge reading or doing odd life admin tasks. My eldest daughter gave me a copy of her board report from her doctorial Viva. I read it through, its a really good report. It is clear that the board was very impressed with the content and quality of her work. The whole devising of a new methodology is impressive. It is a well deserved PhD and one that has real relevance to people and the criminal justice system today, which is more than can be said for some things that get awarded the same accolade.

Slowly over the day I finally get my sunflower seedlings planted up in their new containers. I have to do this in stages but I eventually get it done. I just hope the bloody squirrel does not dig them up. I will be interested to see how they survive, they are supposed to be purple “teddy bear” sun flowers. If they survive and grow they should be spectacular.

With the sunflowers out in the world I take pictures of the new flowers that have bloomed today in the ever increasing heat. The peonies and the roses seem to be the most happy in this heat. I take more pictures and then retreat to the cool of the lounge and its cooling fan.

Due to the heat the family eat late and then I and my partner finish our binge watch of Death Valley and the joys of Timothy Spall playing an actor. We round off the evening with the final episode of Grace. I took my meds and went off to bed while my partner continued to isolate to fully recover from her recent bout of vomiting and diarrhea.

Tuesday and I am up early after a terrible nights thrashing about in bed. I did not sleep more than two hours at any time last night. So I am up at 7:30 and in the kitchen making the breakfast. I eat breakfast, take my meds and then catch up with drafting the blog. With the drat as far as it can go I wander into the garden, raise the sun shade and then roll out the hose and top up the tiny pond. No sign of any frogs, I think the pond is toxic. Once refilled I try and get the solar pump working and eventually after a lot of scrapping I get it going again. Its ideal weather for the solar pump so I am hoping it will help clear the pond a bit. It is still brilliant sunshine but the forecast says there is a thunder storm on the way.

My partner and I share a pizza for lunch after which I read a bit of another new book. It is the sixth in the “Before the Coffee Gets Cold” series by Toshikazu Kawaguchi. I have read all the others and like the unusual premise of them. You can go back in time but you cannot change anything, It leads to some very interesting situations and is very philosophically Japanese.

The afternoon passes with reading and some more light gardening. There is some poetry admin to do to make sure that all my back ups are in place as I prepare to publish again in a few weeks. I return to the garden and despite the forecast suggesting a thunderstorm I water the garden with the hose. Despite the odd rumble of thunder there is no sign of rain. I slip into the evening very tired, I eat tea and then watch TV till I take my meds and get to bed. Tomorrow I have an oncology review which will determine if I start cycle 8 on Friday on a lower dosage. \its an important decision.