Monday, jab Monday so I am awake quite early knowing I am going to shower and have to wander to the GP surgery later. My partner brings me hot water and toast before she gets ready to go out to meet friends. I shower and get my “going to the GP and then pub” bag ready and then set off in plenty of time. Its a slow totter of journey, I’m still feeling the effects of chemo on Friday, not a surprise really, but I always under estimate how much it knackers me. I get to the GP surgery and log in expecting to wait a while but the nurse calls me in quickly. I am soon full of the thick depot that will last me the next 28 days. I was going to go to the pub for a late breakfast or early lunch but I felt so shit I chugged back home and slumped on the sofa with a Red Bull and Alexa playing me relaxation music.

In these situation I am prone to do odd things and in this case I designed and ordered business cards that proudly proclaim I am a poet with a mobile number, email address and poetry website. Bright red cards with both versions of my photo on. It was a moment of “fuck it why not” it is after all what I do most now. I am amused by my own vanity. Further more being impatient I have ordered them “in a rush”, why not? Having go that out of my system I scribbled another poem that seemed to appear as a consequences of the morning.

503
I’m just so fucking tired of it,
Chemo Friday, jab Monday,
I totter to the GP,
nurse fills me with meds,
I chug back home,
to drink Red Bull alone.
I’m desperate 
with myself 
to be better than this, 
to be out in the world,
making being alive
worth the effort. 
I know this is a low point,
a nadir of resistance
but it irritates the fuck 
out of me
to be like this.
I’m probably best left
alone for now,
until some sense returns
and I recover some form of 
agency.
In the meantime 
I order business cards
with “poet” on.
Vanity to the last.
					503 02-03-2026

With my initial “spleen” vented I draft the start of todays blog and contemplate the task of revealing the cast of my hands that I made yesterday. It will be my afternoon challenge once I can summon the energy to find some food.

The whole cast gets exposed and has an initial clean but is now set aside to cure for as long as possible. It is clear that this is a first go. Some bits have turned out well but other parts are clearly distorted and due to me not being able to hold my hands steady in the latex as it set. If I were to do it again I would use a single hand and ensure a more comfortable posing position. So I shall return to the cast in a few days and see what can be done with it.

I clear away and then eat tea feeling worse as the day goes on. I return to the blog and wait for the Tesco delivery. Once squirreled away there is a Brokenwood Mystery and then I am off to bed, taking my night meds and hoping to sleep through to the morning. Tomorrow will be a slow day.