Monday, I wake up feeling crap but get up to move my car so that my partner can go out. I stayed up last night to get my blood results, but they never came. When I check this morning and during the day they still have not appeared. I therefore do not know what my PSA level is and whether or not it is rising or falling. It was on this piece of information that I was going to base my decision about more chemo on.

I spend my morning and afternoon resting, feeling weak and without energy. I do fill my drugs dosettes for the next two weeks. Eventually I write a bit and start to draft the blog. When I feel like this I do not know what I want or how to get the energy to do anything apart from sit. In all likelihood this is me for the day now. Perhaps football to night then back to bed. I do ring my GP surgery about my blood tests and get told that the report has been done and gone to the oncologist, so I guess this set of results has not been posted on ‘patent knows best’. This means I am dependant on the oncologist telling me what my PSA level is and then me making an off the cuff decision. So its all on tomorrow then!

538
Bad day,
Feeling terrible, 
Don’t know why.
No blood results
from yesterdays tests,
crucial information 
not coming through. 
Tomorrow I have to decide
whether to go again
or bail out of chemo.
No PSA level 
to judge efficacy
means no data,
I’m in limbo
and feeling
shit.
I feel like the boxer
having been hit
knows it is only a matter of time
before they meet the canvas.
Weak, but brave 
the end is inevitable
now that last piece of hope
has gone missing.
Standing still, 
facing the opponent,
arms heavy,
legs dead,
trying to move,
to dodge and weave,
feeling hollow
and waiting.
So here I am 
still standing,
hoping for a last minute
moment of reprieve,
a bell or towel to end 
this round.
The irony being
that this is one big 
rematch that goes on forever,
until eventually I succumb,
and can fight no more. 
Perhaps my corner
will split my glove,
call in the cuts man
or just sit me out,
I need the bell,
the retreat to my corner
and a chance to do
something different. 
No more,
my body
cannot do this 
anymore. 
My head,
my spirit
are willing 
but the limbs 
can carry no more.
I need rest.

								538  16-06-2026