Monday and I am the one awake first so I get to make the warm drinks. My partner and I chat about our plans today and then its up for breakfast and morning meds. By the time that is done my partner leaves for the gym for more “bobbing about in the water” and I get into my training kit to go for a session on the rowing machine. I set myself up for a 45 minute session and set off sluggishly. I get into my stroke quite quickly and I am able to maintain a good stroke rate. By the end of the session I have managed to get to my standard of over 9 kilometres and burned 600+ calories. It is an unexpected session outcome, which I am pleased with.

I get to the sofa and record the session before snacking on home grown tomatoes and going for a shower. Feeling refreshed I for some reason decide that this is the day to be mending the last hole in the back of the writing shed. It takes a while to gather up the tools required and to find the sealant that is still viable from the collection in the garage. I find a piece of shed lapping and cut it to size and then screw it over the hole in the back wall of the writing shed. Then I seal it and repaint the back of the shed. Its taken longer than I thought it would but it should protect the shed for at least another winter.

It takes a while to get all the tools away before my partner takes me for an afternoon milk shake and cinnamon. Its a nice way to relax and find time to chat. Unfortunately time is short as the Tesco order is due in a short while. Once home I start to draft the blog while waiting for the Tesco delivery and my partner starts to prepare for her singing lesson this evening.

My evening is slow and full of TV films and odd jottings before I take my night medications and look forward to my uplifting visit to the chiropodist tomorrow. My feet are excited.

Tuesday was a day of indulgence but also one of headaches and tiredness. On the plus side I managed time in the Shed to write a letter, my visit to the chiropodist was relaxing and a pleasure, as was watching England thrash Serbia. I also saw the final manuscript for the anthology, which still needed a couple of changes. On the down side I needed to take paracetamol for the first time in a long time. In short a very mixed day right up to the point that I take my night meds, draft the blog and go to bed feeling depleted and in need of a lift. The fact that I had forgotten to post Monday’s already drafted blog is an indication of the fatigue I felt on Monday night, and when I recorded my vitals and calculated my average blood pressure over this chemo cycle so far I found it was up. Not a huge mount but a definite average rise so far. Its coming up to my next lot of bloods, 28 day injection and oncology review, all in the next eight days, which also includes a weekend away in the Lake District, so perhaps there lay my anxieties. Tomorrow I need to train to hold off the side effects.

Saturday and apart from a brief visit to a garden centre to buy some new planters and another forty winter plants the day was spent in the garden. There were the usual meds to take and some women’s world cup rugby to watch but apart from that there was tree repotting to do and pots to be restocked. By the the time the evening came round I was knackered but managed to stay up unwisely late to watch a film. As usual I took my meds and went to bed craving sleep.

Sunday and of course its a long lay in with warm drinks before getting up and indulging in a fried egg sandwich. Out it the garden again I collect seeds from one of my purple leafed plants and pot them up. The pots go into the cold frame, so I shall be watching them over next few weeks to see if they germinate. There then followed hours of women’s world cup rugby, only interrupted by food and down loading the images from the garden camera. Unfortunately there was not a single hedgehog or fox to be seen. I clearly need to re position the camera and hope that autumn is fuller of wild life. The evening is filled with a film and drafting the blog before downing my meds and doing a last minute Tesco order. Not an exciting weekend but the garden has benefited. Tomorrow it is back to the training.

Friday, I wake up feeling far more chipper than I did yesterday and I happily take my vitals, down my hot water and get up whilst my partner goes off to “bobbing about in the water” at the gym. I take my morning meds and get myself ready to row. sounds quite active but all of this is done at a snails pace with lots of diversionary activity along the way. I finally get to the rower and decide to try a brisk 30 minute session with the aim of making my 6 kilometre standard for the time. I strap in and set off. If I can hit my target I won’t have to listen to the odious Jeremy Vine at lunchtime. I work hard and indeed achieve my goal which is indeed satisfying.

The session get recorded in my journal and I then shower followed by a quick snack of home grown tomatoes and edam cheese. It is not long before my partner returns and we take Elsie out for a spin to the local shopping centre to return some goods and end up in Zizzi having a late lunch. Its a rare pleasure to eat lunch out and have time to sit and chat about the world and future plans. Feeling full we return home where upon my partner goes for a nap and I walk to the village pharmacy to collect my prescription and some indulgent goodies.

While my partner naps I do the days crosswords and read the right wing rag they are in. Nothing like knowing what the enemy is pumping out to its reader. No surprises really, the usual fear mongering and political snipping all under the banner of journalism while the money making bits focus on who was wearing what where and with whom. I confess I know none of these people especially those that try to out do life pain with each other. I was a teenage crocodile and no one believed me when I said I was abused by a social worker who wanted me as a hand bag. That sort of thing. The medical pages are the best. How to avoid dying of alcohol poisoning by astral plaining and crystal ingestion to realign your chakra, anything but stop drinking the bloody stuff. Just a different planet. The poor bastards who die in a tragic accident in a European city get relegated to page twenty something behind some inconsequential entertainment Arsehole who is consciously uncoupling from their pet dog. Any way I leave you to guess what rag this is.

Well that was fun. I read the whole thing avidly so that I can enter into conversation with anyone that I meet. I settle down to draft the blog and ease my way into the evening, which will see me watching a world cup qualifier and the last episodes ever of the Berlin Agency. Bodies all over the place so far, and I expect more with probably a dissatisfying conclusion. There will be night meds and then sleep before a weekend of mainly gardening as there is a window of opportunity to replenish pots and get plants into the ground for autumn and winter. I am also hoping the final version of the up coming anthology will appear. I think I might be becoming addicted to publishing, so an audio book might be on the cards.

Thursday the 4th of September a special day. I wake up feeling crap but I remember that yesterday I was sitting in a hospital waiting room with my eldest daughter waiting for the results of her eye examination, which turned out all good, and remember that ironically six years ago I was sitting in a hospital having my first chemo session. Six years ago today I posted my first blog. I tell my partner this and she gets Alexa to play “i’m still standing” and dances to it at the end of the bed. Its a moment and when she has gone to have her hair cut leaving me still to get up I write a poem.

460
I remember yesterday
is my anniversary.
It skipped my mind 
as I sat in a hospital
with a worried daughter
whose eyes turn out 
to be good.
Six years ago  I sat
in a hospital
for my first chemo.
Today my partner
dances to "I'm still standing"
at the foot of our bed
as I slowly enter the day.
That's joy, 
that's love,
were still standing.

                       460 04-09-2025

I finally get up and get into my training kit, full of good intentions having taken my vitals and found my blood pressure slightly elevated for me. I have days like this recently when my blood pressure is higher for me than usual, to day it coincides with me feeling shit. I have breakfast with the intention to train but find I need to fill my dosettes so I gather up my drugs and start to fill them for the next two weeks. I am part way through the pill distribution when friend rings. She is in the middle of running chores like returning children’s shoes and doing the recycling run. We chat about how our families are and what our children are doing. It is a pleasure to hear her news and to catch up. After the call I continue to organise pills until I get a message from my son confirming his wedding date next year. If I am lucky and all goes well I will be in Stockholm at the end of March next year.

My partner returns and makes bacon sandwiches for lunch which I cannot refuse, however I wash them down with dissolvable paracetamol as I still feel so crap. I draft the blog while I wait to feel better, the window clean arrives and goes in a blink of the shammy leather and equally quickly I pay the fee by BACS. I need to rest but need to train so I recline hear waiting for the paracetamol to swing me one way or another. One last time I check my emails and to my surprise I find the proposed cover for my anthology. It matches the theme of my other covers and is almost what I want. On checking my manuscripts I find there is a terrible mistake in the Preface. There is time to draft a reply email and to request the changes needed before I get tempted by a bit of world cup football but I get bored by half time and if I am not careful I will have walked around all day in my training gear and not trained. Although I do not feel like it I get myself into the garage and onto the rower, knowing how I am, I set myself for a 30 minute session. The session is tough and I come in under my usual standard but I’m just pleased to have finished it.

Post session I record the session, down a pint of Ribena and a scone and then return to drafting the blog. It is early evening and all I intend to do this evening is to rest and move slowly through it until I reach time to take my night meds and get myself to bed and rest. I am pleased that I do not have anything in my diary for a couple of days. At the moment life seems to be an effort, and I am not sure why.

Tuesday, one of those mundane days where I plodded through attending to life admin and domestic needs. By the end of the morning most of my to do list is done. I pop across to the post office to get my sons birthday card on its way. In the early afternoon I take my partner for a drink and a bite to eat at our local garden centre. Of course we come away with packs of winter pansies to begin the autumn replanting of some of our many garden pots. We spend a lot of time searching for a weekend break, rummaging around the internet for a hotel that can offer what we want. We find some but on reading the reviews and Trip Advisor we reject several. Eventually we find one that seems to fit our needs. I go into the website and work my way through the requirements finally getting to the payment and then taking the plunge, so there is a weekend break booked and something to look forward to. It also means that Elsie, the new car will get a long run, which will afford me a chance to get used to Elsie.

With the big decision made its time to welcome the Tesco delivery and to settle for a simple tea. The evening slides into watching The Great British Sewing Bee and more of the Berlin Station series. By the end of the evening I am out of energy spoons when I realise that the bin needs to be put out and the dish washer loaded and started. So having take my night meds I sort the chores and get myself off to bed but not before one last check of my emails to see if there has been any progress on the anthology. The is no word, so I continue to wait.

Wednesday and I am awake and up early as I am accompanying my eldest daughter to her morning appointment at the hospital. After a quick breakfast, morning meds and gathering up my “hospital survival” bag my eldest daughter summons an Uber and we are off to the hospital. The local traffic is bad but we arrive in time. We sit in the filled waiting room and watch as people enter and leave cubicles like an advanced game of “whack a mole”. It is half an hour after the appointment time when I go for a piss only to return to find my eldest daughter gone. Its sod’s law again. She returns and we wait for another hour for her to be called and drops put into her eyes, to wait again to see the consultant. There is another long wait and eventually she gets called to the consultant. Its all good news, the scan is good and as he peers into her eyes with an optical thingy he confirms that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my eldest daughters eyes and she is formally discharged. We go to the hospital café and have something to eat before summoning an Uber and returning home.

I have little time before I am off with my partner to the spa to have our nails done. Its becoming a regular ritual but my hands feel better for the experience. The beautician tries to coax me in to having a ghost on one of my nails for Halloween next time. I am very tempted. While my partner is finishing having her toe nails done as well I sit in the gym lounge and read a letter from a friend who I have not heard from for a while. Its a real treat to catch up on her news and how well one of her daughters has done in her cancer treatment. She is now getting married, which is a great outcome for her, needless to say my friend is really happy for her. My partner emerges and we return home where I do crosswords and start to draft the blog, before my partner goes out for a meal. While drafting the blog and waiting for my food I have Wednesday on in the background.

My food arrives and I dine watching Wednesday to the end of the series. I get to my night meds and finish the blog draft. Its been a long day but one full of good news so I go to sleep tired but content.

Its been a weekend full of family as my youngest daughter brings her `family to stay so there is time out and a family party. On the Saturday we go off as a group to a local farm park and spend time feeding all sorts of farm animal and of course there is a petting area where there re Guinea pigs and Rabbits. I take lots of photos and videos of which these are two.

After lunch and and more play and we make our home to the tea that has been bubbling away while we were out. There is lots of chat over tea and then its the grandsons bedtime. He goes to sleep quickly after his exciting day and the adults then have pudding and continue to chat. There is a brief period of TV before people go off to bed. I take my meds and do a late night check on my emails and messages before I too go to bed looking for sleep.

Sunday and the visiting family have already breakfasted and gone off to a local soft play area with the youngest grandson by the time I get up. Yesterday tired me but today there is my partners mothers birthday party to do go to, she s 97 on Monday and the family are gathering on the Sunday to celebrate. I have breakfast and reorganise the array of toys that are around and then load Elsie (the new SUV) with all the goodies for the birthday celebration). At noon we drive over to my partners mothers house where we unload the feast and spend an afternoon eating and chatting. As I get older the family grows with more young people in it. It is as it should be and there is something energetic about and dynamic about that. One young niece starts school on Monday and another moves on to the ” twos room” at nursery. All signs of progression and young people thriving. There is also a new baby on the way, due at the end of the year or at the start of next, so the family grows. It is a healthy place to be, there are elders and young which make it strong. There is of course birthday cake and candles to blow out before people have to leave and make there way home. The wife of one of my nephews asks me to sign a copy of my last collection of poems, which I duly do, a nice personal moment.

Having packed all the remaining food back into Elsie I drive the family home for tea. My youngest daughter and family pack up their car and drive off home with a very sleepy little grandson in the back. my partner and I are tired and flop in front of the TV to watch the missed episode of The Great British Sewing Bee and more episodes of the Berlin Station having broken open a packet of forgotten chocolate finger biscuits. My partner goes to bed and I take my night medication and take a few minutes to put the dishwasher on and have a quiet moment to myself. I have run out of energy and log in my head the things that I need to catch up with. The 1st of September will bring some life admin to do, not least sorting out my sons birthday presents that will need to go to Sweden.

Monday and I wake up groggy, not sure why and take my vitals. My blood pressure is slightly higher than I would like so I need to train today. I sort out presents for my sons birthday and check all my start of the month accounts and run an eye over my finances. I finally get up, still not feeling as chipper as I might, and have breakfast. My partner has done a Beezer job of clearing up after our weekend of guests and there is already laundry on the go. By lunchtime she is ready to aqua aerobics (Bobbing bout in the water as I factiously call it), which means I have to move Elsie whilst still dressed in my Daddy Cool Pepper Pig loungers and an ice hockey top. With my partner on her way I settle down to catch up with the blog before training. Its as to be an hour to fight of the side effects of my chemo that I can feel slowing me down.

I eventually get into my training kit and make my way to the garage and the rowing machine. I am not feeling chipper at all and the last thing I want to do is train. I strap in and set up my Fitbit and away I go. Its hard to get going and as I monitor the distance and the calories burnt I know I am having a bad session. I expected a hard session after the active weekend but not this bad. by the half way point (30 minutes) I am well under 6 kilometres and it looks like I might not even make 11 kilometres in the hour. I start to make an effort and painfully begin to claw back some metres but it is hard work. I have very little left in way of energy by the time I hit 11 kilometres I have just about 4 minutes left. The choice is is cruise in or try and get 12 kilometres, which means a burst of hard pulling to get 250 metres every minute of rowing. I go for it and dredge up energy from somewhere, clicking over 12 kilometres a few seconds before the end of the hour session. I am sweating and gasping having put in an effort like I haven’t for at least two years out of fear that I would start to bleed when I piss again. This could be an important day.

At the end of the session I could not catch my breath for a while, I down a pint of lemon squash and sit for a while until I record the session in my journal. While I recover I snack on tomatoes and baby bells before taking a shower. I go for a piss and thankfully there is no blood so I am pleased and hopeful that this means I can once gain build some confidence in my body. By the time I am done my partner is home and I resume drafting the blog. The evening is a mystery so far as it is unclear if my partner will be having her Monday singing lesson. I am now spoon less, the effort of the row has drained me but I am hoping I will reap the benefits tomorrow, however there are still today tasks to do before I can collapse into a heap and watch TV or read. I am waiting anxiously for the final final draft of the anthology to arrive and preliminary book cover designs. Once that is done I can get on with exploring an audio book. Of course tonight also has to include finalising tomorrows Tesco delivery and taking my night meds before I can settle down for the night, I’m hoping the effort I put into today will be reflected in my vitals tomorrow morning. Here’s hoping.

Friday and I wake with a sense of urgency as my youngest grandchild is coming to stay for the weekend. I check my vitals and get up to find my partner has already prepared a pie for dinner tonight. I get into tidying mode, putting clothes away and making sure the spare room is clear. Only after I’ve cleared the decks do I have breakfast and my morning meds. There is a pile of stuff that came out of the old car, which has to be put into the new one but am delighted to find that there is loads of storage space under the boot floor. With everything neatly stowed away I install the new car mats to finish off the job. Not long after the family arrive and join me on the patio to have drink and to let my youngest grandson explore the garden.

The family settle inn with cups of tea and chat and then we are off to a local garden centre to buy some outstanding food for the weekend and to have a cool drink and a slice of cake. I drive the visiting family to the garden centre in Elsie, Elsie’s first outing with people on board. She handles very well and I feel I am already getting used to her. My partner and I buy the food we need and then we accompany the youngest grandson as he wanders around the garden centre stopping at things that interest him. We head for the aquatics shop and look at the fish including some very big koi carp that cost an arm and a leg. Eventually we hit the café and have cooling drinks and large slices of sponge cake of various varieties. Refreshed I drive us home where there is still more drinks and I find that I have been sent the final draft of my next publication, an anthology: The Cancer Years: Man to Man. I read through it all one last time including the foreword, that has been written by the chair of the Poetry Stanza group I belong to. It is a very kind and generous Foreword and I am greatly indebted to the author for it. As dinner is served I press the send button on the email that takes the final script to the publishers. All that remains now is to see what the cover design looks like and then, if good, the anthology will be ready to go up on the publishing and selling platform. I am curious to see how this publication turns out and whether is comes close to being what I fantasise it to be. There is talk of an audio book, but first things first.

The family sit down to dinner around the table and chat until the youngest grandchild is ready for his bath and and bedtime. With the toddler in bed asleep the family reunites around the table, eats Strudel and ice cream, swapping holiday stories and memories as they do so. Eventually my guests go to bed and as do my family and I am left alone to draft the blog, take my night meds and relax before going to bed. It has been a good day, a family day and those are to be treasured.

Thursday and its been a busy first day of Cycle 29. My partner is out to lunch so there are thing to do before my youngest daughter comes to visit with my youngest grandson. However the big thing was to train given my fatigue, and my hot flushes so I get into my training gear and head to the garage and the rower. I have ears full of rock music from a BBC training podcast. I set the rower up for an hour and get on with it at pace. I really get into the groove, driven by the need to shake off yesterdays terrible row and to banish my sense of “temporary lostness”. As the hour progresses I realise I am going well so keep the effort going to by the end of the session. I am knackered but I have rowed a personal best.

I am dripping in sweat as I record my session and trying to cool down. I get a shower and I make myself ready to go shopping with my partner to get al the food we need for our visitors and for my partners birthday party on Sunday. So the late afternoon is spent in Sainsburys gathering goodies and then its home. The garden guy has arrived and is down sizing a large shrub. I am knackered and retreat to the sofa and rest. While checking my emails I find that the Forward for the coming anthology has been written. It is a very humbling piece to read. I slip into the evening, I eat, watch TV and end up taking the first does of cycle 29 as I draft the days blog. I need sleep but know I need to get up early tomorrow to compete preparations for what is to be a very busy family weekend.

Wednesday and the last day of cycle 28 of my chemo. On one hand that is an achievement and on the other hand its still an achievement. Although recently I have been feeling less energised and finding difficulty in focusing when I am fatigued. I am pleased to have got through the last 28 cycles. I make the effort to take my vitals so that I can complete the blood pressure average over the cycle. When I get to calculate the average blood pressure for the cycle it turns out to be 124.9/71.7. I’m okay with this, its not bad for my age and condition.

Before I get up I have a couple of moments in which I jot down a couple of new poems which seem to reflect how I am at the moment. In future I will be able to put any new poems on to the new website that is being built. here were my early (almost early) morning thoughts.

458
If I am not careful
I miss the moment.
I get caught up in the net,
both electronic and chore based.
My "to do"  list snares me
and the instant gets lost.
All this especially when a cycle ends,
when my drugs run low.
I am all over the shop,
loosing focus, mind tired
and feeling a little lost,
but I remain in the desert 
parched and craving nourishment
having swapped my Arabian thorough bred 
for a camel.
A car metaphor, as I seek to distract,
from what, I am not sure.
But I am certain I'm still
anxious about how my prostate is
doing or not doing.
Always cancer is at the root
no matter how hard I try 
to distract myself. 

                                                           458   27/0/2025

459
Meet
Roland T Woodward
a loose collection
of fantasies
in a private universe,
neither integrated 
nor organised.
What falls out
onto the page 
is no guide at all. 
A Carbon Based Species Unit
searching for meaning  
both out here with you 
and inside with me.
I am not sure which is
darkest.

                      459 27-08-2025

Nothing for ages then two come along at the same time, like buses. I finally get up, get into my training gear and then have breakfast. There are things to be done before I can train, so I set about my chores list, which includes a modicum of Hoovering, but of course not before emptying it and dehairing the roller. With my chores almost over I bring my blood pressure data base up to date. I can start cycle 29 tomorrow all square now. As my partner returns from visiting her mother with her brother I head for the garage and the rower. I set up for a 30 minute row and get myself going. Bloody hell it is a hard one, after five days I expected to be a bit stiff or tired but this was really difficult to get going in. By the end I have struggled to get over 5.5 kilometres, which is below par.

I end the session and get to the sofa and record the session in my journal and then change into something that I can travel in. Then comes the fun part of the day I drive my partner to a garden centre in the new car, Elsie, and snack on bacon sandwiches and milkshakes. Did we come away empty handed? No of course not, we plundered the cheap, end of season bargain rack for two Hibiscus plants and a pretty pot for my stolen money plant that now needs potting on. Home and I feel myself rapidly becoming spoonless so I settle down to draft the blog knowing that tonight I shall eat pasta, watch TV, fight off hot flushes and take my meds as I drift into cycle 29 hoping for more energy.

Tuesday and I wake up knowing how my day will go. So while my partner goes off to the gym for aqua aerobics I have breakfast, take my morning meds and then set about emptying my car ready to trade in. As I look around the car I find the drivers side front tyre is completely flat. The pressure monitoring dust cap has snapped and hence the flat tyre. So I spend time re-inflating the tyres before clearing everything out of the car.

My partner returns from the gym and I shower before taking our last ride in the car that has done us so well for the last ten years. At the dealership the sales guy greets us and we sit down to do all the paper work required for me to become the new owner of the car and the dealership to own my old car. It takes a while but goes reasonably smoothly. The guy shows me how to down load the app for my car and when we finally go out to take possession of the car he takes me through the basics of the car and the touch screen controls. Then after a quick visit to the facilities I’m as ready as I am going to be to drive off in my new car.

So the for the first drive is the one home from Loughborough. Its that strange mixture of anxiety and excitement of a new car. Finding out how a new car handles is an interesting experience, which will become easier as time goes on. I get home and breath a sigh of relief that the new car, “Elsie”, goes through the gates. I did have a moment of doubt in the showroom as to whether it would. Elsie is a big unit as she is an SUV.

At home I am suddenly tired and I ease myself into the evening with dinner and TV. By the time I go to bed I am having trouble concentrating, I take me meds, draft the blog and go to bed.