Saturday was grim really to start with. I think I had eaten something that had not agreed with me. I got up slowly in my hotel room, took my meds, and packed most of my stuff. My partner and I went down to the hotel restaurant and tentatively ate until my eldest daughter and son joined us. As we finished, my youngest daughter came and said goodbye to us all before she and her partner went off to see other relatives. I packed the car, sorted the room bill land then packed the family into the car. At about 11:30 I drove out of the hotel car park and headed for home.

Thankfully the journey out of London and back to Leicester was a relatively smooth one, with just one one comfort stop on the way. We all unpacked and sat around doing little for the afternoon. I restocked the hedgehog canteen and checked the garden camera for the last 14 days. In that time the garden had been visited by the usual squirrels, pidgeons, cats and pleasingly the hedgehog. The fox put in an appearance but to my surprise so did a couple of black Labradors. The latter appearing at 4 o’clock at night. Not what I had expected to see.

The evening was spent having a family meal, catching up and then watching a strange film together. By the time the football highlights came on I was the last one awake. My family including my son had all gone to bed by the time took my night meds, set the dishwasher going and went to bed very tired.

Sunday arrived all too soon, and everyone stayed in bed for a long time until finally there was coffee. I send a birthday greeting to a friend and manage to get her name wrong on the WhatsApp. It turns into a joke thankfully but I am embarrassed. Slowly we all got up and my partner made us all breakfast. There was time for more catching up and some international dishwasher mending by phone. My son got ready to go and visit with his mother who he had not seen for a couple of years, however before I drove him over to her he presented me with another ice hockey jersey for my collection. A rare local Swedish one, which I of course immediately put on.

I drive my son to his mums and then return home. My partner had gone to see her niece to give her a birthday card and present so for the first time in a few days I am alone. There is time to stare into space at the cherry blossom and the front garden while the TV plays an international rugby match. I start to draft the blog until my partner returns.

I still have a sense of relief that the funeral is done. There is part of me that is curious to download the service and to watch it back, Since zoom and COVID created the situation where it became common place to attend funerals by web cast it also created the ability for those at the actual scene to watch it back. A strange phenomena, I think. So I shall be able to watch myself deliver my tribute to my sister. I think this is part of the process of reassurance that the funeral was okay. That I did okay in doing her proud. I tell myself that I can now move on, that I do not have to worry about her but there is a nagging feeling that it is not going to be as easy as that. In one sense me getting on with it is working through my wait before my assessment for Radiotherapy. All ready 27 days have passed and there are another 46 days to go. In all I will have waited 73 days knowing that my current medication is not working adn that my PSA is rising. I sometimes think I get glimpses of anxiety that I am not acknowledging, I think I have become super sensitive to small changes in perception or proprioception, any change in my body is noted. When I weighed myself today I came in at 98.8 kilos. A weight gain that wiped out my weight loss of last week. A couple of days of hotel living has done that adn once again I am reminded that no matter what is going on I need to keep fighting or I lose ground. The problem is that over the next 46 days I am going to lose more ground. I am in damage limitation and I find that difficult to take. Somehow it seems to take more energy to motivate myself in that situation. However tomorrow is injection day so my cycle starts again and I will set out on a new Monday to once again take up the fight.