Mothering Sunday and I surface to find that I have already been made a coffee. I drink it gratefully and then make myself and my partner a second drink. We chat for a while and eventually we get up. My partner makes the family breakfast while I start to do some more death admin. Breakfast finishes and I show my daughters the letter I have written to the solicitor. My daughters give their mother cards and presents. We then spend time going through some of the things that I brought back from my sisters house. It is a strange and difficult experience for us all so it takes quiet a long time. Eventually we are all clear about what is going to happen to the things we have looked at and then its time for my youngest daughter to go home with her partner. We wave them off and then there are chores to do.

My afternoon is spent printing off the letter to the solicitor and signing documents. I send the funeral director the details of the flower order so they know what to expect and when. With the paper work done its time to do the mundane like feed the hedgehog and fill the bird feeders. Its time to sort out my laundry and pack for going away for a couple of days. I draft the blog as cup football acts as TV wall paper while I do it.

I weighed myself this morning, a very dispiriting thing to do. I weighed in at 89.9 kilos, that is porker weight, fat, unhealthy and distressingly an indication of my lack of self care. I understand how such feedback can trigger a self perpetuating spiral and I am determined to overcome it. I know I need a routine to keep my efforts going as routine enables me to balance my energy. Its very simple I either train, rest and eat consistently or I don’t get better. I have to get into shape before radiotherapy, there are no other options so the the two day trip to the spa starting tomorrow has to be the start of the new regime. I haven’t got time for trivia, or distractions or anything other than what preserves me. So I don’t expect to be easy to live with for a while. I have enough trouble at the moment drumming up the motivation I need so I’m expecting the immediate future to be a bit of a bastard. On that cheery note I end todays blog to attend to an evening of packing and organising.