Wednesday and I am up early for me and tucking into muesli and coffee for breakfast. My morning meds get downed and I start a blog page for the day. I am traveling to York today so need to pack and organise myself. One of the people I will see is an old colleague who now acts as my mentor/ listener who I go and see in order to check how I am coping with my cancer and all the things that are affected by that. I find it invaluable to have someone who is outside my situation to talk to who asks the questions that I or my family might not ever ask. It makes me think and helps me to stay grounded about my situation. Importantly it makes me think about the people around me and how they are and what they are coping with. Cancer tends to make me very egocentric and forget others are also dealing with my cancer and what that means to them. I am also hoping to see other old friends and colleagues for meals or coffee but all that depends on their situations and commitments. Now its time to organise and pack.

The drive to York was unremarkable apart from the treasure trove of wine gums I found in the glove compartment. Well done past Roland. The first few miles up the motorway were a tad tentative. I think like all skills if you haven’t done it for a while it erodes a bit. By the time Sheffield hove’s into view I was well back in the grove and cruising along quite happily. The cranes at Sheffield are still there and I wonder if they had a star on them at Christmas. The rest of the run was easy going and I arrived in York with time to spare before check in time so I “treated” myself to a Tesco egg and bacon brioche and coffee. What an experience that was is it arrived with a plastic cheese slice melted into it with the addition of a sweet onion relish. Thank god they did not find a way to fuck up a black americano. The brioche prompted me to order more toothpaste and a book from Amazon. A little post lunch shopping and I drove to the hotel and checked in. Once in the room I checked to see if an old colleague was free for coffee but she was busy with students and holiday admin, so I wrote some lists and caught up with drafting the blog. I’m dining out tonight so I shall kill time till then. My room for some reason has a sofa bed in it that has been made up, I’m a bit baffled by this so fold it away so that I have the space and a sofa to laze around on.

I sit and reflect on my journey and note that I did not stop for a pee on the way. When I was first diagnosed with my cancer I am sure that the same journey was punctuated by toilet stops, as were other journeys. Looking back I think this may have been the result of anxiety. After all it was a period when I had self catharised for a while and had little confidence in my body. Things seem to have changed as I have got used to my status and condition. I have clearly adapted over the last three and a half years, and probably my body has interacted with the various drugs it has absorbed, and continues to do so. So any conclusion about my current state is difficult to clarify or attribute to a single variable but I do feel less need to be “all consumed” by my cancer. At the moment I am just waiting to see what the next set of bloods brings and the outcome of my PET-CT scan. All of that comes on the 7th of March. There will be a new set of arithmetic that will contain the logic of what will happen to me and what options are available to me. I already know that my medication will change, the question will be whether radio therapy will be of any use to me and that is the logic in the arithmetic. Too big, too small or just right, its the Goldilocks syndrome. I can do nothing but wait to see how Grimm my fairy tale will be.

I watch a women’s football match on the hotel TV, Italy v South Korea. Good to see the game played without the rolling around or mouthing the referee. I go for a meal with an old colleague and friend. It is a lovely meal and a chance to catch up. We talk about long COVID and the similar experience to how cancer robs me of energy. I drop her off at home and make my way back to the hotel to finish the blog. I spend some time preparing for my meeting with my mentor/listener. There is much to consider before I see the oncologist again at the start of March.