Monday, here we go again, I wake up feeling crap again so I get myself up and coffee’d. I get my washing in and then pack my bag for the gym. I weigh myself as I did not have time yesterday. That turns out not to be a good decision, or at least a disturbing one. I weigh in at 97.1 kilos, that’s the heaviest I have been for years. I am concerned but know I need to knuckle down and sort out my eating. I can no longer indulge in treats. I’m pissed off with myself as I have made my situation worse for myself. So starting today its operation “eat careful”. I can now no longer reward myself for training with sweets, chocolate, hot cross buns, scones and biscuits. Its back to fruit.
I get to the gym and find that all the cross trainers are taken. As an alternative I hop onto a bike and pedal 65 minutes away, I burn 625 calories and go 23.81 kilometres. It feels a while since I cycled and my body reminds me of the fact. I do the hour adn head for the showers adn then the lounge where I order my usual coffee and egg and bacon bun. I rest a while, check messages, make calls and arrangements. Business done I drive to our local Sainsburys to buy a new milk pan and pick up some bathroom cleaner. I was hoping for a Vileda mop head replacement but like Tescos there are none, it would seem the company is struggling right now. I drive home partly satisfied.
Home and the washing goes in the tumble dryer and I head for the Shed. There I do todays crosswords and rest. My next chore is to fill the bird feeders. Bye late afternoon I am done. I unload my ironing but before I can do anything with it Tesco deliver. So there is a quick interlude and then I am back folding up my washing while watching another historical episode of The Fugitive. My evening will be food and football and hopefully an early night.
Sunday, its cold and grey to start with and I wake up feeling decidedly groggy from the meds. My partner is up and brings me coffee quickly followed by a bacon bagel. A chat ensues and we decide to go the zoo, Twycross zoo, which is not far from us. We decide to go as a family so we get ourselves ready for the trip, including getting my hair braided for the day.
Pre zoo hair braiding
So of we went to the zoo having booked our tickets on the zoo app. We arrive and are taken aback by just how many people have turned out, families everywhere, all wearing more clothes than us and many in wellies. I think we sorted out quite quickly that we might be underdressed. Getting in was tricky to start with as their IT system could not find my order number. Eventually we were ushered to visitor services who had an older IT system that found us. We wandered off into the zoo to seek animal moments. There were some good moments but generally the animals looked miserable, cold and much of the zoo had been affected by COVID.
There were apes, a rhino and gorillas but all looked cold and bored and by about two o’clock so were we. We headed for the food court and drank coffee and nibbled sandwiches while watching the snow leopard wander around its enclosure and looking like I felt in lock down. Its that universal same old same old experience of being cut off from what is natural and normal. Enough was enough and we drove home. It was a better day than sitting around or going to the gym but somehow the experience was saddening to see how the zoo had been affected by COVID.
I settle down to watch half a rugby match and then drift into the evening where I eat tea against a background of TV. There is Peaky Blinders and then the news full of the Ukrainian war. I try to draft the blog but frankly it is difficult when everything is invaded by the inhumanity of war. Nothing is beyond being newsworthy and there is scant regard for peoples privacy or dignity in their struggle to survive. Our news machine is as self interested as any other and when it takes up the moral higher ground it also looses its sense of humanity.
Friday, a slow start but there is a work call to make in the morning, so its a swift breakfast and I am in front of my laptop. The meeting is a useful and leaves me with admin to do. By lunchtime i am finished with work, eat a light lunch and go to the Shed to write letters. Having written at last I walk to the post box adn send my letters on their way. Its home and then my partner and I go to the gym. As soon as I step onto the cross trained I know its going to be a tough session and so it proves to be. I burn 695 calories and go 7.37 kilometres. A shower and then a lounge coffee before going home to an Indian take away and an evening of rugby and the end of Click Bait. I recommend Click Bait to anyone who wants to know how to go “catfishing” and thinks that social media is only of the young.
Saturday and its dull and cold so there is little incentive to be getting up and leaping around. We get up and have breakfast put a meal in the crockpot and then grit our teeth and go for a walk at our local duck pond. We chat on the way and then head for the garden centre to buy a Sunday pie and bacon. We return home and watch Tigers loose to Saracens. An evening meal and then we discover Bordertown, a Finnish drama with a strange but gifted detective in the lead. Its dark, minimalist and dour but interesting. It is strange but I watch these dramas and decide if I would fancy living there or visiting. Young Wallander ensured that I will never voluntarily go to Malmo. Bordertown has convinced me I have no desire to go to Lappeenranta in Finland. I was also disappointed that there was no mention of my favourite Finnish football team Honka.
I have a real sense of waiting for Spring to properly arrive. I am training regularly but making no effort to really control my diet hence my weight is stuck around 96 kilos. I just want to feel the sun on me and have that sense that I no longer need my winter fat. Is this a delusion and an excuse for laziness, I’m not sure, but I do miss that sense of shorts and T shirt time.
Thursday, I wake up feeling groggy, its the usual these days, just the result of the new antiandrogen. I’ve a meeting at 9 o’clock so its a quick coffee and drugs adn then I am in front of the laptop talking business. A couple of colleagues are unable to make it today so it is mostly focused on my new service that I met with yesterday. So the meeting is useful adn we end on time releasing me to head for the gym.
The gym is almost empty, just some familiar faces, fanatics and older people like me staying alive. Its back to the cross trainer today and its a grind, my body really does not want to do this but its medicine and Rocket needs support. I do the hour burning 709 calories and going 7.79 kilometres. I make myself do some weights work on the machines. A swift shower and then into the lounge for more coffee and an egg and bacon bun. I take my time and let myself recover as I check messages and e-mails before driving home. I do however spend a few minutes before leaving to order soem anti Putin merchandise, which I will share on the blog as soon as it arrives.
As I drive home a friend calls adn we chat about how her recover from long COVID is going. It is of course slow as the real world continue to make its every day demands of work and family life. We talk about how the war in Ukraine is affecting us. That combination of anger and desperation is an uncomfortable feeling. Once home I unpack my kit and set off to the village shop. I need the steps and a paper. The reality is I get my walk but additional chocolate biscuits, chocolate and grapes. I retreat to the Shed to read the paper and do the cross words while I nibble my way through a mystery bag of Maltesers.
Early evening and my partner and I eat tuna pasta before I go off to collect my eldest daughter from her circus class. It will be an evening of football and early sleep, I’m not fit for anything else and my body is already protesting the exertions of the day. I think my intentions to rebalance my activities is timely. Today is world book day, I should at least make the effort to take a book to bed tonight.
Wednesday and its off to the gym asap despite the crap weather and the rain. So after coffee and drugs I drive to the gym. A few sturdy souls are there already, mostly ageing blokes and younger women. I guess we are all avoiding something. Me? I am avoiding crowded changing rooms, intolerably mouthy macho blokes and sitting in my “Soffice” for a morning. My legs feel tired and I resort to a recumbent cycle thinking it would be easier on my back. I stop after 10 minutes intensely irritated by my stupidity. I had forgotten to strap my Fitbit to my trainers thereby losing steps to my step count. So I put my oversight right and continue to pedal for the rest of the hour. I eventually burn 568 calories over 22.89 kilometres. My body is not pleased when it finds the showers tepid, but it gets itself to the lounge for coffee and egg and bacon bun. I think I am becoming addicted to the gyms egg and bacon buns.
I get home, unpack my kit and make more coffee as I settle down to get ready for my work call at 2pm. The call comes and goes. It is productive and a while ago it would have kindled some fires of motivation in me but, nice as it was, the joy quotient was low. I follow up the call with some admin work and make up February’s invoice to send off. I’m still waiting for January’s to be paid, not an unusual wait. So I arrive at early evening with not a lot in my head except the vague thought that I miss the Shed, gardening and that there is more football on TV tonight. I am aware that I have not read anything for ages and that my pile of “waiting to be read ” books is now seven books tall. I’m beginning to think that I’m starving myself of stimulation and that can only lead to one thing; becoming a boring old fart. Now that’s something to be avoided, I would not like to think I am losing my curiosity.
Monday and I am up early as I am off to the GP for my monthly injection with the added bonus of a B12 jab as well this month, I am well prepared and organised today, gym bag already packed. I down my morning meds and drive to the surgery. It does not take long, I am in and out in a very short time with my white fluffy cloud stuck to my stomach. I drive to the gym, order coffee and a bacon adn egg roll and then sit an write a letter. It feels odd sitting in the gym lounge writing a letter but it is quite nice to be away from home writing. I have bought a second padlock so that I can have two lockers for my bags, a second pink one.
I get on a cross trainer and bang out an hour during which I burn 722 calories and go 7.90kilometres. I toy with the idea of doing some weights but decide not to, I just want to get in the shower to easy the soreness and sense of tightness around the injection site. The shower is good and I head for the lounge and another coffee. I intend to have soup for lunch but the bar tender tells me soup is off, so I stick with just a coffee.
I return home adn make myself a smoothie before walking to the post box and then on to the co-op to buy food for the evening meal. Tesco is delivering late tonight so I decide to cook a chicken Jalfrazi. Once home I cook and get the masterpiece gently bubbling on the range. It turns out that my eldest daughter is going out for the evening from work so there is just the two of us to enjoy the meal. We eat and then mop up some of the series that we have been watching on TV. We finish Young Wallander, Professor T and get the end of Click Bait in sight before calling it a day. My day catches up with me so I have mem evening meds, more paracetamol and head for bed.
Tuesday, pancake day, St David’s day and the day of my work one to one. I eat a muesli breakfast and get ready for my meeting. A colleague WhatsApps me and shares some family news, which might have a work bearing later in the week. At 10 o’clock I log in and start the meeting with a review of how my oncology review went and how I am. We discuss the future and the options and agree a way forward. Once this is out of the way we review my work and make appropriate plans. We end the meeting, I put my washing in and go to the gym feeling slightly of kilter. This mornings meeting has left me with some interesting feelings. I get to the gym, buy a bottle of water and then get on a cross trainer for an hour. I burn 717 calories and go 8.09 kilometres, much teh same as yesterday except today my injection site feels more sore. This is usual. The day after is very often the worst day. A shower and then to the lounge, which is pleasingly empty. I sip americano and nibble an egg and bacon roll, slowly. I am still pensive from this morning and dawdle over my coffee. Eventually I drive home, put my washing in the dryer, grab the newspaper and head for the Shed where I do the crosswords.
I emerge about 5 o’clock and decide I will keep it simple for tea tonight, soup, my gut is off and settle down to catch the blog up from yesterday and today. There will be soup and football this evening and an early night. I am hoping that as the days extend and the weather gets warmer, where is climate change and global warming when you want them, that I will become more activated and energised. At the moment I feel sluggish and there is definitely a limit to how much Ukraine news I can watch. Perhaps we will all go out with a bang and not a whimper as T.S Elliot suggested.
We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats’ feet over broken glass In our dry cellar
Shape without form, shade without colour, Paralysed force, gesture without motion;
Those who have crossed With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom Remember us-if at all-not as lost Violent souls, but only As the hollow men The stuffed men.
II
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams In death’s dream kingdom These do not appear: There, the eyes are Sunlight on a broken column There, is a tree swinging And voices are In the wind’s singing More distant and more solemn Than a fading star.
Let me be no nearer In death’s dream kingdom Let me also wear Such deliberate disguises Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves In a field Behaving as the wind behaves No nearer-
Not that final meeting In the twilight kingdom
III
This is the dead land This is cactus land Here the stone images Are raised, here they receive The supplication of a dead man’s hand Under the twinkle of a fading star.
Is it like this In death’s other kingdom Waking alone At the hour when we are Trembling with tenderness Lips that would kiss Form prayers to broken stone.
IV
The eyes are not here There are no eyes here In this valley of dying stars In this hollow valley This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms
In this last of meeting places We grope together And avoid speech Gathered on this beach of the tumid river
Sightless, unless The eyes reappear As the perpetual star Multifoliate rose Of death’s twilight kingdom The hope only Of empty men.
V
Here we go round the prickly pear Prickly pear prickly pear Here we go round the prickly pear At five o’clock in the morning.
Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom
Between the conception And the creation Between the emotion And the response Falls the Shadow Life is very long
Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency And the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom
For Thine is Life is For Thine is the
This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.
Sunday, a rest day but I am mildly surprised when I wake up at 11 o’clock. Clearly my body is telling me something. It takes two cups of coffee to get to functional and a bacon bagel cooked by my partner. I take my drugs and my first dose of prophylactic paracetamol before tomorrows injection. Eventually I come to my senses and get going. First there is a call to our youngest daughter who is recovering from a blown exhaust and a roof clean. My first chore is to fill the squirrel feeder and the bird seed dispenser. Then its the hoovering and the tidying of my “soffice” and the downstairs. The more I use the Henry the more I get used to it and appreciate its subtleties.
Rugby time is three o’clock and Ireland predictably beat Italy who end up playing with 12 men. Its a dissatisfying experience so I turn to upgrading Mondays Tesco order. It is becoming an interesting pastime trying to predict which items will not be available on the day. It has an interesting influence on the family diet over the week. Currently next week looks like a week of soup and cereals. With all these Sunday jobs done I settle to drafting todays blog. It is a rest day so not much is going to happen. The only thing that will happen in this evening will be the viewing of the last episode of Trigger Point and first instalment of the final Peaky Blinders series. Of course they are being aired at the same time so we will juggle the i player. There are the final episodes of Young Wallander to be viewed as well. So I admit tonight I will be a vegetable of the sofa kind. Tomorrow its an early start to get to the GP for my monthly injection, I’m hoping to just go to the gym to pump the stuff around my body. I like to think it helps but I think it might be the pull of the bacon and egg brioche roll. I need Shed time most of all but face a busy work week.
Saturday and it starts with a coffee in bed and the making of a plan for the day. Its a simple plan, gym, rugby, collapse for the evening. So its up and a brief toast breakfast before changing into my training kit, clothes in the gym bag and my partner and I are on our way.
The gym is not very busy and I am soon on a cross trainer listening to a random selection on the i-pod. I work away taking a drink every 20 minutes from my water bottle. Although a a bit of a grind the time seems to go quite quickly, perhaps I am getting fitter. I burn 712 calories and go 7.9 kilometres, an average session. After a coffee and bacon brioche my partner and I go to the supermarket to buy fish and then home.
What follows is international rugby and an evening of Young Wallander. Its all I have energy for. Tomorrow sees me taking my pre injection paracetamol. I plan a day of rest.
Friday and that bastard Putin invades the Ukraine. It seems every generation has to have its power crazed psychopath dictator with all the attendant paranoia and messianic complex. Not to mention the maladaptive destruction and suffering it brings. Of course life goes on which is why I am in front of my laptop at 9 o’clock for a work meeting. It goes on beyond its time and then I spend time chatting to a colleague about all things European football and future of work. Its lunch time by the time we get through talking and I have the chance to eat.
I do some admin work and then before my energy and motivation drains away I get myself into the garage to row for an hour. Its a while since I have rowed for an hour and it starts out as a real effort but eases as I get into a rhythm. It goes better than expected and end up quite close to my personal best.
Over 15000 metres and a 1000 calories, got to be pleased with that.
I can feel my body complaining at the effort that I have just put in, especially my back. so I take myself to a hot bath embellished with a bath bomb from my collection.
My pleasure of the bath.
I eat my favourite Thursday meal of tuna pasta and then settle in to watch Leicester beat Randers before moving onto the Rangers match. My work colleague who is a Rangers fan will have been over the moon as they get a 2 all draw with the German favourites which means the Germans go out of the competition. I meander towards bed losing energy all the time, there is not enough energy to be doing the blog, it wil have to wait.
Friday, a non work day. Putin loses it and thinks the Ukrainians are Nazis and calls upon the Ukrainian forces to commit treason adn turn on their government. Just how deluded is this man, very is the answer. I have a light breakfast and head for the gym. I get my usual bottle of water and get myself a cross trainer, turn up Rammstein to full volume and grind out an hour. My legs complain but I get through 705 calories and go 7.67 kilometres. Its an average session but good for an end of week effort. I do a few repetitions on some of the weight machines and then have a long shower. I sit in the gym lounge and drink coffee and eat a couple of bacon brioche buns. The chairs are comfortable and my back does not ache so I am tempted to linger. I do in fact linger and message several people. I notice that some people are sitting with their laptops and idly tapping away. I note this and think I might do this at some point. I return home and my partner and I walk down to the village so that I can collect my drugs, in particular my injection for Monday. Yep its that weekend of pre-emptive paracetamol.
The evening comes and is mostly TV until I get to the blog both depressed and incensed by the war in the Ukraine. Sprinkled through the last two days have been conversations with friends and family over WhatsApp and email. It is these that add the sense of connectedness with a wider world, it helps to fill the gap of not getting to the Shed to write letters. Hopefully this will be one of the things to change when I rebalance work and life.
Wednesday and a post euphoria waking. Yesterday was a good day and now the days ahead are to be focussed in and organised. The real world can feel dingy against the good days and sense of life. So today I get up for coffee, toast and chores. My pill boxes are empty so I perform my fortnightly ritual of filling the racks of day boxes. It jogs my memory, so I order my next prescriptions for Mondays injection. I tidy the kitchen and load Daisy dishwasher. I take time to have another coffee and read a letter from a friend that arrived yesterday. It is a thought provoking letter and raise issues about my relationship with cancer and the balance to be had between acknowledging the reality of it and not becoming it. Its time to sort out the squirrel feeder. What ever broke into it did a good job, I suspect a particularly muscular wood pigeon.
Burglary of the highest degree
I put the squirrel feeder right and re fill it By the afternoon Squishy adn Squashy have found their way back to their treasure trove. They really love the raw peanuts that go into the mix. I take a quick trip round the back garden and note just how much is coming up and flowering, spring is truly burgeoning.
I turn my attention to the training session I am due to run in the afternoon. I have several goes at getting my screen to share with no luck at all. My partner patently assists me but we hit a wall. I email the presentations to the probation administrator, who does nothing with them. I give in and eat a fried egg sandwich, my go to “I’m pissed off” food. A friend rings as she delivers food to a very new mum and baby. We chat for the journey until she arrives when we go our different ways.
I go to my training session to find just two people there. Well I dump the demanding IT material stuff and settle into a guided discussion with them based on the standards to be covered. It turns out well and we all discover new things. That’s real work, creative and adaptive. I lay out my training kit but before anything can happen my partner and I walk to the village shop to collect food for this evenings meal. Back home I take another call from a golf playing friend who has been bitten by the bug and now seeks ambitions for a handicap and to go the full 18 holes.
By the time I am thinking of training again I have run out of energy. This is how it happens, the energy ends and I have to cruise, reorganise and reset. I drift into the evening, eating a meal, watching football, Professor T and then writing the blog. It is a meander down the gravity well till I find my bed and wake in the morning with an unpredictable reserve of energy. This element ,of how things are, is the factor that makes it necessary to rebalance the activities in my life.
