Its Wednesday and I wake up feeling like my body has been given a pummelling but at least the blows have stopped. It would appear that my 28 day jabs are giving my body an increasingly hard time leaving me weakened and tired for longer than it used to. This morning I have no option but to get up as my partner is going out on business and there is a dishwasher doctor coming to look after Daisy, our sick dishwasher. So rather than my usual lazy waking routine I am up and breakfasted and doing life admin from the off. In preparation for Daisy’s operation I clear the mass of things that have accumulated under the sink cupboard and clear the area. All I have to do is wait for the engineer to arrive. My partner returns just as the engineer arrives.

My partner goes off to see her mother and the engineer cracks on dismantling Daisy who has become incontinent. From then on there is much activity taking bits off and putting bit back on. There are test runs and adjustments going on as I retreat to let the man work in peace and I start to draft the blog. I can hear there are several false starts as it is proving difficult to stop Daisy leaking from one of her inner pipes connected to the pump. Eventually there is failure, the right sealing kit has to be ordered, so it will be next week for the return visit. A new sealing kit is £46 so I just have to wait and let the guy ring me when the it arrives and he can get to us. So now I can get on with the rest of my day.

With the engineer gone I sit down and write a letter. I type it because writing with a pen is less comfortable due to my Dupuytren’s contractor in my right hand, mind you typing is also a bit more awkward. Having completed my letter and tucked it up in an envelope I venture out to the post office to send it on its way adn to buy a paper. Once home I settle down to do all the days crosswords, which I manage far better than previous days, so I am clearly getting better. I nibble a sandwich and read a bit before my partner returns from visiting her mother. It is only 4:30pm and already it is dark, the light rapidly failing. It feel as if winter is here and preparing to spring typical wintery weather on us. At these times I feel the urge to hibernate but there are still many chores to do before I can truly hunker down. Tomorrow is a day I must make the effort to train and to get to my chiropodist before the afternoon. Before then is an evening to fill, meds and bed.

Sunday was a slow day of walking in the local park and preparing for Mondays jab, filling the car and checking the tyres and watching a rugby match. Of course there was the Strictly result to thrill to but apart from that not a lot happened.

Monday is a far more interesting day. I am up early in order to shower and then make my way to the GP surgery for my 28 day jab. It goes well but it is in my right side which historically tends to give me more jip than the other side. I get home and I have a sudden flurry of activity which includes booking some one to come and mend our ailing dishwasher. My partner and I go to the gym, she to train and me to eat bacon rolls and do the days crosswords. It is a relaxing time until we head back home. Once again there are things to be organised including a birthday stay at a Spa for my partners birthday. A friend rings adn I have the luxury of a conversation out side the family. It is really good to catch up with my friend and hear how her family is doing and how Christmas is creeping up on us both. By mid afternoon I start to type up some poems, ramblings really, but I am very aware that I am flagging as my energy is leaving me and I am becoming more and more sore at my injection site. Here’s a couple of poems that I typed up.

416
It’s a universe away
The woman playing tennis
While the sports club lounge natters.
There are baristas forced to serve
me fruit tea. 
Legging clad exercisers passing through 
like migratory birds, with 
stick thin legs they stride 
by basking sofa bound walrus
and torpedo seals.
Somewhere these fowl flutter
and then bathe in marble baths
and showers warmed by heating
not paid for by them.
Perched upon my rock
with a head full of young sirens
I hear music and order flowers
for memories still cherished.
I feel like the elephant
but I am more perplexed
by how quickly the hibiscus tea
can chill and become insipid ink.
I missed that amongst the ant hill
being poked with a stick
and the scurrying became escape.
Time for more go cold quickly
Rosie Lee and a giant cookie
while I wait for my mate
to return  to me. 

							416 21-10-2024

418
Dylan Thomas
staggers out
from a days
labour.
“three words”
he mutters.
That’s one
“bible black bat”.
Can’t help feeling
the lazy bastard
could have managed 
more.

								418 21-10-2024

I stop typing up poems because I am now feeling rank. It is increasingly difficult to do anything and all I want to do is curl up into a ball as I start to get cold and shiver like a junkie doing cold turkey. It is as my body has has finally decided that it does not want the 28 day jab in it and is reacting to it as if is a foreign body. I manage to watch the final episode of Paris Has Fallen before going to bed and laying there shivering. My normal night meds are taken but I am reluctant to take anything else until I’ve been in bed for two hours when I resort to taking paracetamol. The rest of the night is a restless, shivery experience.

Tuesday and I wake late still feeling like a withdrawing junkie and lay there trying to form some sort of strategy to get through the day ahead. First thing is to try and book a Christmas delivery slot at Tesco. By the time I get to log in all the slots have gone and the closest I can get is Saturday 21st. Just one of the practical ways this bloody cancer fucks up life. Eventually I get up, have breakfast and then finish off the typing up of some poems and drafting up the blog. I ‘m feeling rank and I am aware that there is a list of jobs that need doing, but really do not feel well enough to do them.

Of all the things I need to do I manage to wash up the pots and put the bins out for tomorrow. I then fall asleep on the recliner, so that when I wake up it is dark, my body still feeling grim. Basically I am sitting it out until the Tesco delivery rocks up and then I shall eat and take myself off for an early night. My body just needs to pull itself together. This is keep it simple time, Tesco in, pasta eaten and now utter rest. I hate this, this is cancer fucking me up.

Saturday and I wake with training on my mind. My partner is on her way to meet friends for morning coffee and then lunch. I take my vitals and my morning meds and then I am off to the garage and the rower. This is a day for an hour session, so with radio 2 in my ears I set off in determined mood. To my surprise I am able to maintain my pace and end the hour with my best hour figures yet. I get over the 12K mark, which used to be my pre operation one hour standard row. This is good news, it is clear proof that I am getting fitter and stronger. I will know at my Sunday weigh in whether I am getting any weight loss, which is the crucial element. I am hoping over the next two weeks to get under 100 kilos and down to 98 kilos by Christmas.

I record my session in my journal and then send various messages and emails before changing. By the time I am changed I have a response from the hospital I contacted about my hand, they will contact me soon to discuss options. With a bit of time before the rugby I cook a quick tacho based quiche, which I an my eldest daughter tuck into. The rugby starts with England doing quite well but inevitably fall behind, it is the usual story. I start to draft the blog for the day so far.

The day is then full of rugby, Strictly, fish and chips and football, all very prole until I learn my youngest grandson is still in hospital and poorly. It puts everything else into perspective. The only thing that matters now is family and getting the newest member better. I take my night meds and go to bed hoping for a good night for everyone. Tomorrow is the day before my 28 day injection so I will start taking prophylactic paracetamol to overcome the side effects and get me through the first two or three days of my next injection cycle. Step by step, day in day out is what will get me where I am going.

Friday and I wake up to find my partner off to the physio, so I take my vitals, which are all good, have breakfast and then whizz round doing chores to tidy the house. My morning meds get taken and them I take a quick walk to the village chemist to pick up my months medications. This is prior to Monday, how quickly jab Monday come around. It means that from Sunday I will start taking prophylactic paracetamol to counter act the side effects of the jab. These tend to last two to three days and make me feel like a junkie doing cold turkey.

On my partners return we drive off to an art and garden centre. There are all sorts of small traders at this centre as well as the usual plant selling centre. What I had forgotten was that it has a model village. It at first looks impressive but on closer inspection it is clear that it is falling into disrepair, which is backed up by a notice that says “wanted, plasterers, renderers, and enthusiast to renovate the model village.”

After a quick whizz round the model village and the various craft and art shops we have lunch at the restaurant. The food is good and afterwards we return to the shops and buy the things that we had ear marked on the first round. With our bags full of pasties, diffusers, a tray and small bag we drive home, collect a paper and settle down to do the crosswords as the sun sets and the temperature drops to truly winter proportions. Every so often I check my phone to see if there is an update on how my poorly youngest grandson is doing, he is currently in hospital with an infection. So there are reasons to be concerned.

The evening sneaks up and so does the international rugby. Its going to be a full weekend of international rugby so I have a reasonably good idea about what I will be doing. Intertwined with the matches I shall be doing odd chores and doing life admin, like chasing the plumber and seeing if the local private hospital will consider me for the removal of my Dupuytren’s Contracture.

Thursday, a good day, I slept well and wake ready for the day. First there are vitals to take, messages and emails to check and respond to before getting up. My vitals are good as is my memory, I get up ready to train. I slip down my morning meds and go to the garage and my faithful rower. Today is an hour session day. I get going to the accompaniment of Mark Steels in Town. It is difficult to know how it is going so I give myself up to listening and letting my body find its own rhythm, in this state my mind drifts to times that have found their way into my universe and stayed with me. Before I realise it the display says 0 minutes. I gather myself together and go and record the session. When I do this I find I have just rowed my best hour since I started to train again. Just goes to show how things can happen.

Being pleased with my effort I settle to the task of filling my drugs wallets for the next two weeks. There is a moment when I do not think I have enough cancer chemo to see me through to my next oncology review in December but when I check and do the maths I find I have ample to see me into the new year if needs be. Its a laborious job but in the long run it makes my life easier in terms of a daily meds routine. With my meds sorted I take a shower, a shower that includes hair. My hair is now four years long as I keep my word not to cut it after the first bout of chemo made my hair fall out. I am interested to see just how long it gets to, as long as possible hopefully, even as long as Hamza Yassin. Its good having long hair as I get my moneys worth out of the shower gel.

Once preened and dressed I head for the village café and have a very late, mid afternoon, sausage baguette breakfast, where I do the days crosswords and try to ignore the pages of depressing speculation about what a Trump presidency means. I turn quickly to the sports pages that are no more comforting. They are full of English loses and examples that show that footballers, professional footballers are a bit dim. Having finished all I can get out of the paper and eave dropping on the conversation that is going on I go home to clear the kitchen and draft the blog. There are messages to catch up on. My youngest grandson is back in hospital on oxygen, clearly a concern. Other friends are either traveling abroad or wrestling with the perturbations of life. All I can do is try to be supportive from a distance.

My evening heaves into view and my mind turns to the evenings entertainment, possible football or reading, but once again I will retreat to my bed early after my evening meds to try and keep my restorative life style going. I want to travel again, firstly to York to see friends and secondly abroad with my partner while I can, but I have to be fit to do this, hence my current determination to get myself fit and strong enough. Getting fit and loosing weight is not in itself fun but like all important things in life it is what choices it brings me.

Wednesday and I wake up to find my partner is taking a rest day after yesterdays trip to the hospital. I check my vitals and then get up to my morning meds and breakfast. From then on I am busy doing stuff around the house. The dishwasher needs cleaning out and the filters checking again so I get to it and empty it out and re-align the filters. With my first job done I turn my attention to the dripping overflow in the downstairs toilet. After spending a long time wrestling with a dodgy inlet valve and eroded ballcock I give up and phone the local plumber. I leave a message and pack away my tools.

After a late lunch I listen to some episodes of The Infinite Monkey Stage and then prepare to train. I really do not feel like it but make the effort. Belatedly I go to the garage and set myself up for an half hour session and get going. Its hard work and my body complains but I get to the end of the session having completed 5K+. That will do me for today.

As usual I record my session and listen to some more Infinite Monkey Cage. My partner returns from visiting her mother and we drift into the evening with football and the new series of Shetland. The blog gets drafted and I take my evening meds before heading for bed. So I come to the end of my second day of no sweets, treats and biscuits, already my body is wondering what is going on, so I guess I just need to persevere and get through the initial phase and then keep going till Christmas. It will be okay as long as I see a drop in my weight, it doesn’t have to be a huge drop but a small consistent fall would be motivating.

Tuesday and I wake to find my partner has booked an appointment with the GP. I take my vitals, all good there and then get into my training gear ready to row. My morning meds slide down and I am about train when my partner returns from the GP. We are off to the emergency day centre as the GP has referred my partner to it to have her heart checked.

We pull into the hospital and I drop my partner off and try to park the car closer than before but end up at the back of the main hospital carpark. I raid the snack shack for food and a paper and make my way to the clinic and find my partner is already being seen. After a few minutes she appears having had initial bloods done and her vitals checked we settle into wait and I eat a sandwich breakfast.

After a wait my partner is called into to see the doctor, the outcome is that there are to be more tests so the wait goes on. We read the paper, do crosswords and read a book. We have done this before. During this time I get a phone call from the hospital that I had booked into to have my Dupuytrens Contracture dealt with. They have turned me down due to my medical history and current conditions. The hospital is a small one and they clearly feel they cannot cope if anything goes wrong. So I am told the hospital has returned the referral back to my GP who will have to re-refer me. We nibble and drink until about 3 o’clock when my partner is called in again. We go in to hear what the medics have to say. Its all good news, my partner has the heart of a lion, nothing wrong, it appears the symptoms are a result of a combination of stress and something labelled in the medical world as exercise lag. So all is within our own grasp but will take time. We leave to find the car in the car park.

Arriving home I unpack the uneaten food and drink and as my partner settles down to rest I change into my training kit for the second time and head for the garage and the rower. I strap in and set myself a 45 minute session. My body is not keen and I feel sluggish but press on. In the end it turns out a reasonable session. At least I manage to get 8K+

The evening starts with a simple tea and moves onto another episode of Show Trail. I started to draft the blog while waiting for Tesco to deliver and the kick off of a European football match. Tonight will be an early one of clearing up, taking my night meds and going to bed.

Sunday and I wake up in the same strange bed from yesterday. I take my meds and join the rest of the family who are up, which of course includes my youngest grandson. There is breakfast and then I set about replacing the broken power socket in the kitchen which has the new dishwasher plugged into it. Its a strange damage as the back box has shattered and left the front plate in tact. I turn off the power and get to work. It’s fiddly and tricky as the replacement power socket has a deeper back box. All I have as tools are ones I had delivered with the new socket. Its old wiring, still using the red and black coding but it means the wire is solid copper and not flimsy woven wire like the modern Blue/Brown wiring. I finally get the wires matched to the new socket but I have to use the old screws to hold the back box onto the kitchen island wall. Ultimately the new socket is fixed to the wall with a small gap but it is attached soundly and all the wiring is safely enclosed. I plug in the dishwasher, return to the fuse box, cross my fingers and throw the switch. No bang and everything works, job done. I clear the kitchen and then join the family in playing with the array of entertainments that the youngest grandson has.

There is a sleep period for the family except me who sneaks off to watch a rugby match on the laptop. The family go for a walk and later we all dine on the crock pot meal that was prepared earlier. Of course there is only only one thing to do on a Sunday night and that is to watch the Strictly results show followed by the Antiques Road Show. The youngest grandson is asleep in bed and people are flagging so that by the time we have watched the first episode of Show Trail every one is off to bed. I take my night meds and settle down. I tricky night as the young one wakes up full of tears and cries. My partner gets up to help and then returns before the small ones dad returns home from a trip to Poland.

Monday its time to get up and to have breakfast before packing and driving off home. The youngest grandson has just got used to us and is holding his arms up to my partner to be picked up and even gives a small baby kiss to her. We drive the pretty no motorway home stopping just the once for a drink and a comfort break. Once home everyone is tired but despite this my partner and I go shopping to get some food for the evening. Having grabbed provisions we have a coffee and I do a Tesco order before we return home. One thing that I had overlooked when we had the new side way gate put in was that no one could access the emergency key safe at the rear of the house which meant that my eldest daughter could not get in, so it is now relocated. There are always details to attend to that go under the radar. Once in, there is some napping to be done by some, I do my unpacking and do some life admin. With a bit of breathing space I catch up with the blog. This is not the most exciting blog but the very ordinariness of it is a pleasure. For so long the ordinary has been a real test, so to be able to go away for a weekend to be with family has been a real pleasure and reinforces the idea that I am recovering some of my old energy and ability to do things.

There has not been enough energy today to train, so that will be a priority tomorrow. Tomorrow will also be the second day of trying to cut out the sweets, biscuits, cakes, and other sugar based goodies in an attempt to loose weight before Christmas. I find the only way I can manage this is by absolute abstinence, I’m an all or nothing sort of chap when it comes to things like this. It is like when I gave up smoking, I went from 20+ a day to zero in a day, that was the last weekend in August 1981. In the September of 1982 I ran my first marathon. Its pretty much the same with alcohol, the reality is never as good as the fantasy. Only Armagnac lives up to expectations, followed closely by a “medicinal” brandy. However for now the new regime excludes these things. My evening will see me watch some TV, take my night meds and see me go to bed early so I can get to grips with my new regime in the morning.

Saturday and I wake in a strange bed in Cinderford where I am visiting my youngest daughter and her son. There are croissants for breakfast to go with my morning meds and a young child who wants to join. As a unit we are pretty organised which means by just past 10 o’clock we are on the road with two cars and on our way to Over Farm for their Spooky farm and pumpkin experience. We get in with our two bags of animal feed and some trail completion cards and set off. Immediately someone offers to take our photo for us, and obviously we cannot refuse.

There is lots to do and animals to feed as well as a tractor ride to go looking for the farmers lost pumpkins. When we were tired of donkeys, sheep, pigs, llamas, ostriches, chickens, goats, horses and pumpkins we had warm drinks and watched the show put on to entertain the children. All in all a really good time. Having exhausted the pumpkin spookery we visited the farm shop and bought pasties and other local goodies to eat back home. A thunderingly good time for everyone.

We return home and eat some of our farm goodies and then sped time playing with the young grandsons toys, until I break ranks to watch the rugby international, which England lose. There is time to take in the Amazon delivery of the new power socket I am going to put in tomorrow and to drat the blog before the youngest grandson goes off to bed and he rest of us eat and settle down to Strictly for the evening. We are all tired so for me its an early night and early night meds. Its been a day out which for me has been very good, it another step to getting back engaged with things.

Friday and I wake to find my partner up and around. I take my vitals and make myself breakfast to go with my morning meds before taking a shower. What is left to do is pack for the weekend and clear the kitchen. With the house sorted there is time for a pre travel sandwich and then its into the car and my partner drives us off to the forest of Dean to our youngest daughters house. I am pleased that I have survived the journey so well as a passenger. In the past my condition has made his difficult but today it went well, somehow being the driver has proved to be a useful distraction but being a passenger has been difficult, so day is a good day.

Its a good journey and we arrive safe and sound to warm drinks and biscuits. It is not long before we are unpacked and organised and my youngest daughter and my partner go off to collect her son from nursery. He returns looking sleepy but perks up with a new book to look at. After a bath and food the young ones goes to sleep and we the adults eat and settle down to watch a film, while I also keep an eye on a rugby match and then draft the blog. Its been really good to sit with all my family again and although this has been an “ordinary ” day its been a good one. During the evening I respond to an email that invited me to choose which clinic I want to go to have my Dupuytren’s contracture treated. The first two I chose had no appointments, the third is in Coventry, but all of them are saying treatment will be between 20 and 27 weeks. I knew this was going to be a long haul. I take my night meds and then get off to bed, smaller than at home so a challenge, hoping for a peaceful night. Tomorrow I am hoping the new power socket that I ordered from Amazon arrives so that I can replace the damaged one in the kitchen, it appears I like to remain useful.