Wednesday and I am awake to the sound of a gently turning cement mixer below the bedroom window. It can only mean one thing, the builder badgers are on site and started their day. My partner has already given them cmy list of offee to get them going and brings me my morning hot water. I do my vitals, all good there, and get up to go through my ritual of emptying Daisy dishwasher and making my breakfast. Its one of those mornings when I can not decide what to have and finally go for a toasted cheese bagel and water. With that out of the way I check my messages and emails and reply to those I need to before I start to check one or two things that I have sent the Americans. I had found that I had made a dyslexic mistake on the acknowledgements page of one of the collections. There was an omission that I had realised suddenly when I was drifting off to sleep last night. I had missed someone important from the list of people I wanted to thank and was appalled I had done so. That was my first rectification to be made and my second was to correct my spelling of “Knight” and had originally left the “K” out. In the context in which this happened it made a huge difference to the meaning. I send the Americans an email with the corrected page and then settle down to read.

Its been a while that I have let myself have a morning of reading and it I find it eases me. My book of choice is Italo Calvino’s Cosmicomics. It has appeared in the blog before but I am still enthralled by the stories, they are so rich and inventive that they make think a great deal, this is indeed rich brain food and it comes in small digestible meals that are a treat.

My reading is interrupted by the arrival of the post and to my delight there is a letter for me, a real ink and paper letter. This is a good day. As it is lunchtime I settle down to a dish of chicken soup and read my letter. It is a real lift to my day and makes me Shed itchy, so that I can return to my pen and ink world. The expectation is that the garden guy will turn up today so I write a list of jobs that need doing before I complete the last thing on my to do list for the day, namely to trim my beard. Feeling less fluffy and dishevelled I read some more Calvino and then start to draft the blog for the day. As the sun is shining I am tempted to visit the local shop and buy myself a treat and a paper for the crosswords.

The papers crosswords are soon done with little problem and I am soon chatting to the garden guy. He is soon rescuing some of the iris that have got displaced by the builder badgers, there are also some roses to try and keep alive. Looking around the pots its clear that once the building is over they will need to be planted up for the summer. Looking at the patio as it grows I keep thinking that there is room for a pergola. It is noted for the future. My partner returns from seeing her mother with her brother and starts to get ready to go out with a friend for a meal. My eldest daughter and I order in an Indian takeaway and as its only down the road it arrives quickly. There is time to eat before the nights big European football game. I settle down to watch. A good game. My partner returns home and we watch the finish. There is just time to watch an episode of Race Across the World and then its time to take my meds and head for bed. I am pleased to have managed to avoid taking more co-codamol. I need to begin to become more active and will use my garden to do this.

Tuesday and it back to work for everyone, except me who wakes up feeling strangely hung over, for which I have no logical explanation. So I do my vitals and find my blood pressure slightly elevated, I wonder if I am excited, I check and find I am not, so I get up. With the kitchen cleared I make the builder badgers coffee and have a conversation about the invoice for the electrician. A take time over breakfast and then I am in full poet admin mode. There is a sheaf of questionnaires to fill in about the two new collections, including cover designs, proofreading and production details. Its a flog but I get there in the end and send them off to the Americans to start the work in earnest. Its lunch time and I’ve run out of spoons already so I start to draft the blog to the background of old TV dramas.

I lunch late as I am not feeling well, but make the effort to clear out the fridge of all the food that is out of date or that we will never eat and then make the builder badgers more coffee. These badgers are diligent builders and earning their corn, the walls of the new patio are growing with the wiring being built in for the lighting. At the top of the garden they have already dug out the old raised bed ready to put in the new sleeper surround. It is building in the wall lighting in the patio that is the tricky and precision work, so the lead badger is being very careful to get it right. At the moment there is no rain forecast until Friday so the badgers have a good run at the project. I am hoping that by the weekend the back garden part of the project will be nearing completion. I take the blog forward a bit more and begin to plan the evening, of course there is the Red Eye to finish.

I’ve entered the inpatient waiting on the Americans stage now and find myself checking my emails to see if they have started work on my collections, as they are five hours behind us they do not start their working day till 1 o’clock our time, so its the afternoon or evening when I am most likely to get any glimmer of hope to see my new collections become tangible books. It is the proof reading and corrections that keeps me occupied and engaged until I get to hold the new book. I spend some time reading the collections that I have already published. I know I am biased but when I go back and read some of them I think that they are not so bad. They may not be the universal stuff of Pablo Neruda, Ginsberg or any of the great poets but they do at least say something about my personal universe. Once the next two are published it will probably be time to take a break and have a period of reflection and recharging the verbal batteries.

My partner returns from work and the builder badgers start to pack for the day. Once they are waved on their way the bins can go our and Tesco can deliver unhindered. So the evening beckons and I ease towards it with my eye on taking my night meds and getting a good nights sleep. All goes to plan apart from falling into the Eurovision semi final trap. Its that time of year and no doubt I will be glued to the final on Saturday. On the positive side the Americans have confirmed they have received everything that I have sent them and that they are starting work on the collections. Once again I am starting to get excited about the new collections as I head towards bed.

Monday and I wake up aware that I did not return to the blog yesterday. My grandson had been taken home as his cough was worsening so wise parents had taken him home to keep him in his familiar environment. So we had waved them good bye mid Sunday afternoon loaded with food and good wishes. As a result we had the evening to ourselves, in which we discovered Red Eye and will doubtless continue to binge watch it later today. After a long lay and doing my vital, (all good), I got up for breakfast and reoriented for a grandsonless Bank Holiday Monday. I noticed that the temporary overflow that I had rigged up while the builder bunnies do their thing, had come apart again. Despite the sunshine my weather app said it was going to rain latter in the day so I needed to do something about it.

In this situation there is only one thing to do and that is to do the thing properly so I take my partner to the local Wickes to buy three lengths of standard 68 millimeter down pipe and a couple of straight joints. Fortunately I can get the pipes into my car. Back home I set to work with the help of my partner to put in a proper temporary down pipe. After some experimentation with support for the pipes and cutting one to drain length the task gets completed. We cannot open the rear patio doors but it is only temporary inconvenience.

Having packed away the tools I am very hot and sweaty so take to the recliner to rest. I’ve clearly over reached myself for the moment and take time to recover. Its a beautiful day outside but I do not have the energy to go out in it. The nap I have does not last long and then I am back on the laptop to see if there is a reply from the American publishers. There is and they have reduced the price of my publishing to something I can manage so I accept their offer. I then set about checking the materials to go and find that I have mislaid a USB stick so have to copy the final poem off the website and then rejig some bits of the materials. I am still not feeling that chipper and so continue to try and rest. I pop out of the room for a pee and the Americans ring me so miss the call, clearly they do not do May Bank Holiday. I am not in a rush so I update the blog before checking the email they say they have sent me. My cousin in Scotland has sent an email saying that they have received my video letter and encouraged me to ask them anything about the family if it will help to build the family tree.

I shall reply to the Americans and send them the Zip files today before I settle into the evening. I note the promised late afternoon showers have not materialised, perhaps the night will be different and my down pipe will prove its worth. For now its rest and recovery leading to night meds and hopefully a peaceful night.

Sunday and I seem to have had a good night. It appears that, at least initially, I am pain free. My partner is awake and has brought us warm drinks, she no longer needs to ask what, its always hot water. We chat for a while and then my partner gets up and reappears with our grandson. Of course there is then a prolonged bout of play and engagement with the young man as he curiously explores the world, us and of course his socks. He is of course the most delightful child, smiley and “chatty”, who seems to have a lovely temperament.

My grandson goes off to breakfast and I do my vitals, which are normal again, before I join the rest of the family for breakfast. With the meal cleared away my partner and youngest daughter go off to do some clothes shopping for the small person and when they are away my grandson goes for a short walk with me and his dad around the village. He naps briefly but when returning home he is awake again. My eldest daughter and I take turns at entertaining him until his mum returns home to give him lunch. The poor mite has a bit of a cough but he seems to be well within himself. I take some pictures of my garden. There are many displaced pots due to the landscaping work that is being carried out and some of the pots are flowering for the first time, notably a pot of my grandfathers iris that I had moved to the front of the house last years. There are daisies as well that always make me smile and make me feel happy.

With the return of he shopping duo the happy little boy is fed lunch as I start the blog for the day.

Its five thirty on Saturday morning and I am up. My symptoms of disruption to my urine flow have sneaked up on me again. no blood but soreness. I did not drink much yesterday so I am up early and on to my second hot water of the day in no time. I’ve taken my meds with three biscuits and had an early co-codamol to stave off pain, I’m desperate to be okay for the arrival of my grandson and his parents later this morning. I do what I always do when I get into a corner, I write. This is not a pretty poem or an easy one, or one to lift the spirits, but its how I am at five thirty in the morning when not doing okay and that is what this blog was and is intended for. No one needs to ask how I am or ask the awkward questions.

386
I am trying really hard
not to be a nuisance,
endeavouring not to add
to the general pain. 
Every way I turn those I love
are battling oceans of storms. 
It is as if the world
has filled its self with illness
without cure or palliative care.
I really am trying
but its hard to deny my decline,
those subtle, sore signs
that things are getting worse.
My head weaves benign explanations,
makes up logical explanations 
for this and that 
ache and ague,
each difficulty and soreness,
but deep down I know 
I’m on a slippery slope.
I tell myself that this is 
a negative mind set, 
that I am making things worse,
that being chipper and up beat
would help, but I know it’s not true.
I’ve either been or being ground 
fine in the grindstones of my disease
and finally, it’s found its way 
to bring me down. 
I really am trying 
to be brave and not cause a fuss,
I’d just like a hug,
but so would everyone else 
in the midst of their travails.
It’s a busy world of pain 
And there is no time 
to stop, just rest when opportunity arises
and then start all over again.
I realise we are all trying hard
and the silence of my loved ones
is a different kind of unbearable,
a mute gagging on the expected 
loss and perception of the ebbing
flow from those they love. 
I’m trying really hard 
in my way to carry on,
but the mirrors I look into 
show me failure, decline and 
worst of all the aloneness.
No one else but me can do this,
this standing, looking over
the landscape of my life 
and putting away my feelings
knowing there is not enough 
care or love to take away or slay 
this singularity.
I am trying really hard
not to be a miserable old git,
the downer in every one’s day,
the grandfather and father 
who is no fun anymore,
just the old guy who has to be asked,
“are you okay”?
I miss being loved,
I miss the no strings attached affection,
the delight in me,
like some immortal,
an everlasting thing of joy.
A shiny object with a future 
and more fun to come.
The Real World swallows us whole
and love becomes duty,
obligation and a chore, 
a world devoid of its core.
Is this depression,
is this the manifestation 
of some chemical imbalance 
or is this life in its later form?
I do not know 
but I’m trying really hard.
Trying really hard to be okay,
to ignore my longings and to 
get on. 
To that end I’ll take the drugs
and hope at least the pain subsides 
long enough to give another hug.
I’m trying really hard.
Perhaps my next collection will be called
“Self Pitying Bastard” 
I think I’m trying really hard,
perhaps I’m not;
not hard enough.																		
                                                                                                                        386 04-05-2024

By seven thirty I’ve blogged just as a way to keep me occupied while the drugs kick in, my partner is up and showered and making toast, now the day starts in earnest and I need to get going to be ready for my grandson to arrive. It is all hands to the psychological pumps.

Post toast I am struggling and although I manage a shower I’m not functioning well. Although I’m not experiencing haematuria I am in some discomfort as I frequently visit the bathroom. This is how I am when my youngest daughter , her partner and my grandson arrive late morning. He is a delight and is gurgling and smiling happily all the way to lunch time, when we all make sandwiches and indulge in cake. I help to clear away and load the dishwasher while the family prepare to go for a walk in Bradgate park. They drive off and I settle down to rest and watch some football and rugby noting that my symptoms are decreasing in frequency if I stay reclined and quiet. This is how my afternoon goes.

The family return and dinner is prepared, the grandson fed and prepared for bed and then the family eat. I cannot face it, I just want to rest really, but eat I must and spend the evening with my family. I make the effort knowing there is co-codamol to fall back on. Its what I do, having watched a film with the family I take my night meds, finish the blog and take yet more co-codamol, vowing that if I am not improving tomorrow it will be time to call 111 again. What all this does do is prompt me to email the Americans to begin to haggle over the price of my next two collections. I’m very tired.

Friday and it starts with my partner thrown into the need to go to see her mother with her brother as her mother has had a fall in the night and the paramedics are in attendance. My partner goes off to deal with the situation. I take my vitals and then get up to make breakfast. The builder badgers have arrived and already are laying bricks on the new patio. They are given coffee and encouraged in their work. I clear the kitchen and then go to take my morning meds to find my wallet empty, when I check my spare one is as well so its time to do my fortnightly drug load up. Its a boring thing to be doing but its one of those tasks that forms the structures that help me stay on track and in control of the things I can keep control of.

Once I have filled my wallets I take my morning meds and get on with things, which includes giving the builder badgers another coffee. My partner returns from her mothers and there is time for a quick chat before we go off to the local garden centre to buy food for the weekend and our family visitors. The shopping goes well and so we stop off at our favourite coffee house at the next garden centre down the road. It gives us time to sit and talk through where we are with coping with all the stuff that is going on. It seems there is a lot of heavy lifting to be done in the future and we need to find ways to have time to recover and to replenish ourselves as we do the lifting.

By the time we get home the builder badgers have gone and before we can squirrel the shopping away the first part invoice for the badgers work arrives in my in box. I pay it by BACS and send the head badger a text to tell him the moneys gone, to which he promptly replies that the payment has gone through. My partner goes for a rest and I clear up some chores and tidy away things. I join my partner and take the opportunity to try out the new blood pressure cuff that has been delivered. Its a large size one that makes taking my blood pressure easier. With a successful test of the cuff I have a nap and when I wake I go on getting the house ready for our youngest daughter visit tomorrow. Everywhere I turn my friends and family appear to be struggling with weaving the mundane work and family stuff with ongoing extraordinary distressing demands. No one I know seems to be living lives of serene satisfaction, perhaps its just my age or the times we live in or my particular view of the world. In my small way I try to keep with them all.

When my partner

Thursday and after a reasonable nights sleep I take my time getting up, taking my vitals before I actually do. The readings are good and are normal. Once up I clear he kitchen and make myself one of my favourite breakfast of fried egg sandwich and coffee. The builder badgers are well under way and spend all day brick laying, it is in marked contrast to the literal heavy lifting and clearing they did yesterday. There is a lot of meticulous brick alignment going on and careful consideration going on. By the end of the day the patio has acquired its shape and the walls are growing. Within the brickwork is woven the trunking for the lighting that is being incorporated. Apart from providing coffee these badgers are very self sufficient.

I settle into my sofa office and set about recording more video letters. Its quite a slow process as I find appropriate conversation and try to produce some sort of appropriate flow. Some are easier than others but I try not to pause the recording. I would rather create a shorter letter than struggle to fid things to say. So my day is filled with spoken word as I talk watching myself on the screen, it is a strange process. I try to imagine the person in front of me and therefore create a conversational tone. When I play them back I am appalled by how often I Um and Ah and use certain fill in words. Part of the problem is needing to produce all the content without having someone to provide feedback or any conversational content. It makes me realise how brilliant Alastair Cook was when he recorded his Letters from America. He did have the advantage of having to produce fifteen minutes on a topic of his choosing but nevertheless it was a master class in verbal letter making.

By mid afternoon I have completed all the letters that I intend to record. There is all the envelopes and insert notes to do which takes a while and then I take a trip to the Post Office. I have seven small packets to send and I see the post folk sag as they realise I shall want all my packets sent to be signed for. We get the business done and I by a paper and some treats and return home to do todays crosswords. I am on form and soon whizz thorough the crosswords in time for tea. Its tuna pasta night as my partner will be doing her singing her lesson. As for me I am hoping to watch some football tonight and then have another early night to continue resting in anticipation of the visit by our new grandson at the weekend. So another mundane day where I have tried to rest. It makes me uneasy to be this passive but I am trusting there will be a pay off at the weekend.

Wednesday and I wake fitfully after a terrible nights sleep, I saw every hour and made at least two attempts to sleep on the lounge sofa. By the time I got out of bed my partner had gone to work and the builder badgers were under way. Breakfast is simple and taken quickly before I make the badgers a start the day coffee. My spoon reserves are very low so I make the decision to do very little today beyond recording video letters. I make a list and start my letters keeping an eye on the badgers digging up the front garden and moving the rubble from the back garden. As the morning goes on the spoil heap grows as the badgers get to work.

By the end of the afternoon I have made four video letters but I can’t get out of the drive to post them. At about five o’clock the promised big digger lorry arrives and in no time at all the drive is clear, its been an amazing effort by the builder badgers today.

Before I realise my partner is home , the builder badgers have packed up and left I have re-taped the improvised down pipe in the back garden. While my partner settles in before cooking tea I change all the bulbs in the bathroom to new LED lights. The effort uses up a lot of spoons and I return to the sofa to rest and dine. I am flagging already so I watch part of a film and Race across the world as I try to finish off the blog. There is nothing from the Americans yet, I guess it is going to be a while before they start to chase the money and get in contact again. I am hoping to get my night meds down me and have an early night and a better nights sleep than last night, I just want to be as good as possible for the visit of the grandson this weekend. I’ve noticed that over the years the period of time that my monthly jab affects has grown. Its definitely taking me longer to recover, it seems this combination of drugs is playing havoc with my gut so I am not keen on food too much.

It’s Tuesday and I am up early to move the cars off the drive before the builder badgers arrive sharp at 8 o’clock. When they do arrive I make them coffee and they get underway. and I have breakfast. I once again work on my poetry collections all morning punctuated by an expected call from a friend. Its a brief call as we catch up before she goes to work, just as she concludes the call the “new bin” delivery man arrives and gives us a replacement garden waste bin and takes the old damaged one away. I settle back to my editing poetry. I find it difficult to keep focus and I am aware that my injection site is sore and I am not feeling at my best. By late morning I am out of spoons already and decide to take a break from the laptop.

My to do list has some chores on it so I set off to change a spot light in the bathroom but cannot find my bag of replacement bulbs, I get ratty as my frustration gets the better of me. I give up the search and just order more from Amazon before having lunch. Snooker is my TV wallpaper as I start todays blog. I have an email from the Americans telling me my books are now on more platforms so I check. It turns out that I am on Amazon, IngramSpark, Kobo, Goodreads, Waterstones, and Barnes and Noble. I notice that none of the platforms have any reviews and are asking people to be the first to review the books. So if there is anyone out there who would like to write a brief review then please feel free to do so. It gets to 2 o’clock and the builder badgers move their van in anticipation of Tesco delivering over the next hour, I watch eagerly for the delivery while composing my next email to the Americans.

Tesco arrive and I do the weekly squirreling and then return to composing my email to the Americans. I am interested in the offer of an audio version of one of the books but I have reservations about the suitability of some of the material. I am suggesting that perhaps an audio book should be a later development when more material has been published. I have two more collections ready to go and invite the Americans to make an offer. Having sent the email I go to take my vitals. They turn out to be good and while I read afterwards I fall asleep. By the time I wake the builder badgers have left and I have missed a phone call from a friend and my partner had returned from work.

The evening starts with food and an email from the Americans with an offer. Its an offer I will not take up unless they drop the price. There is a meal and some chores to do as tomorrow is bin collection day and the day the builder badgers are saying they are bringing in big lorries to clear away all the debris that they have created so the decks are cleared and they are able to get on actually constructing things. One film later I am back sorting out the blog and then its time to take my night meds and get myself to bed. The early morning caused by the builders is taking its toll.

Jab Monday so I am up early to get showered and to move the cars off the drive so the builder badges can get going at 8 o’clock. So I manage to squeeze in toast and a coffee before the badgers need a chat about some construction details. Apparently they have order a “big grabber” to clear the rubbish pile that is becoming mountainous in the front garden. So by the time I set off for the GP surgery for my jab I have been quite busy.

I get to the surgery and log in and realise that I am not feeling that good. Fortunately I am called in early and the usual nurse gets to work with the same patter as always. The actual injection is okay. Once over I book the next one and a set of bloods before my next oncology review that is coming up. I get out of the surgery and head for the local co-op and buy bread and a paper on my way home.

On getting home I make a drink and take some paracetamol to stave off the aftermath of the injection while I do todays crosswords. I settle in on the recliner and start to work on the next poetry collections that I want to get underway with the Americans. I take it as auspicious that it appears that my very first royalties have appeared in my bank account. This is how I spend the rest of the day. I proof read two collections and write the acknowledgement, contents and dedications. By the time the early evening arrives I am done, I also have a garden full of bricks. At the mid afternoon a huge builders materials lorry rocks up and unloads bags and blocks of bricks. Our badgers are certainly cracking on.

As I start to draft the blog the after effects of the morning jab is kicking in. I can feel my injection site becoming sore and I am feeling less well and my attention is flagging. So my evening is going to be one in which I finalise tomorrows Tesco delivery and then head for bed as early as possible to try and get a good nights sleep. The biggest decision, paracetamol or co-codamol?