Friday and I wake full of dreams or the backwash of them more accurately. I get up and go through my usual rising ritual of making the bed, drawing curtains and sniffing the world to see how it is. I do something that I do not usually do, I weigh myself. My rule is that I only weigh myself once a week on Sunday but today I break my rule in the hope that I get some motivation to train today and to keep going with the diet (I do miss sweets and chocolate. My partner gave me 4 chocolate buttons in a dish this week as a treat/thank you, but I only smelt them and then fed them to my eldest daughter). I look down at the display and find I have dipped under 97 kilos; it is enough of a downward trend to give me hope. Breakfast follows as does clearing the kitchen and then I am off to the Shed to reacquaint myself with pen and ink, it’s been several days now since I wrote a letter. My Christmas cards have arrived so I shall soon be sending those at the crack of December.

I do not make it to the Shed, Amazon delivers and then the post office and then another carrier. There is squirreling to be done. There is also some Christmas shopping to be done as lists become available. I manage to be busy till lunchtime when my partner and I sit down to a dish of soup and more fresh coffee. My partner goes off with her brother to their mothers, and I set about my washing, feeding the squirrels, replenishing Fort Hog with food and then getting some life and death admin done. By the time I have hung my washing out and completed my admin tasks I am feeling tired but need to train. I get myself ready and get to the garage and set the rower up for a standard level half hour. I feel knackered before I start but grind on in a sort of daze. It turns out okay, I managed 6000+ metres and 400+ calories so it was worth it.

I record my session and catch up with the blog. I notice I have missed calls from friends today. I guess I have been preoccupied with admin and jobs and for once not carried my phone around with me. It irks me that have missed the opportunity to talk. The evening is dark and, on this night, there are difficult decisions to make. Its Pudsy night on television, its either watch entertainment punctuated by miseryverts or Warrior Nun. If I am lucky there might be a rugby match to view. So I meander into my Friday night with no great hopes of joy. Unless of course I send the evening trying to get the printer to work. It ceased to function because HP ink had not been paid for the ink. So I spent time changing the payment method but by then the printer had cut itself off so now I have to get it back online, which means firing up the big system and buggering about for ages. The reward for doing this will be that I can run off all the poems for tomorrow’s poetry stanza meeting. I’m vaguely interested in what they make of mine. Some of the other members poems are really imaginative and creative, some are not my cup of tea, so I expect tomorrow’s meeting to be more stimulating than Pudsy.

Thursday, and I wake to the sound of my partner busy at work in the office downstairs. Its 9 o’clock and I am chilly so its a quick dress and down for breakfast. My usual muesli, fresh coffee and meds to start the day. I check my social media and find an intriguing text from an ex-supervision client asking if I would consider a one-off session to think through a situation. I mull it over and decide that I will do it. Mostly I decide to do it because this person was one of those clinicians who was always willing to go the extra mile for the client and was brave in reflection and taking responsibility. I await dates.

At 11 o’clock my partner and I attend a Zoom funeral of her uncle. It was my first zoom funeral. I go from the funeral to draft the blog but find that the chancellor’s economic statement is going on. It’s a skilful delivery but very Tory. It will no doubt satisfy the markets but the crucial strategy on care for the elderly is stopped and the appearance of money and bigger council taxes are being relied upon. This means that in all probability selling my partners mother’s house will be necessary to provide care for her, which means she will have to go into a care home at some point. I watch the statement and the shadow chancellor’s response, while my partner and I have lunch. There is of course a lot of television discussion afterwards at which point I disengage.

My partner returns to work and I dally over some snooker before I get myself ready to train. Today will be a half hour session at my normal level but done gently. I need to avoid passing blood, so today I intend to be gentle. The logic is in the arithmetic as I clock up less than 6000 metres and less than 400 calories so today was indeed gentle.

I retire to the lounge and record the session and bring my blog up to date, while the snooker rumbles on in the background. I prepare for an evening of nothing very much. I have downloaded the poems that members of the poetry stanza have sent in readiness for Saturdays meeting. I shall read them properly tonight having already glanced over them. There are some unusual presentations in this batch of poems. It is really interesting how the poems vary in style and tone. Already I can see the way poems reflect the poets, which unfortunately highlights my prejudices and stereotypes. There is definitely some poetry that I find syrupy and contrived, but then I guess my “bony” poetry is not favourite with others. So my evening will be a mixture of brain sustenance and episodes of Warrior Nun.

Wednesday and I wake up to find my partner up and my eldest daughter departed for work. I have breakfast and meds and then settle into a morning of Christmas shopping and organising. There is a lot of messaging going on and checking of links and wish lists. Once into the swing of things I gather pace, write lists, check off acquisitions and develop delivery strategies. My partner is easing her way through the day as she recovers from yesterday’s visit to the hospital so we both tap away at our techno. Now that there are orders out there the waiting for delivery begins. I always have a nagging concern that every trade or deal I do is a scam, and I am just waiting to be let down, robbed or conned. I have to say my faith in technology is glass fragile and not a little paranoid.

By lunchtime I am content with the progress made. A package marked fragile arrives for me, so there are positive signs that the world is functioning. Finally, I have got as far as I can get and resort to the mundane tasks like doing next week’s Tesco order. All that remains for today is to select a poem to throw for slaughter at Saturdays Poetry Stanza meeting and to train. The latter is not appealing as my injection site is still sore from Monday, so I will preload with paracetamol and reduce the resistance level a notch and increase the time. Long and easy is the watch word. But first the poem selection. I think I am going to go with one about old men.

I know why old men stare,
Why they sit and look.
Nothing now is real
So we cling like Harlow’s monkeys
To the Terry towelling comfort of memory.
All those moments when alive
When love, passion and life
Grabbed us and gave us meaning.
Now we see the world,
The bird on the wire,
The crow on the roof,
The raptor high in the sky,
We feel the air, the effort to fly.
None of what we are is here
But the world remains,
It persists and so we watch,
We see the world
And so we stare at it,
But it no longer gives us meaning,
We are in it,
But we are not of it. 

I am not sure, and it will need to be tidied up. Perhaps by the time I get to the actual submission something else will have presented itself. It’s something to think about while I train.

I did not think about it while I trained. I sent my old man’s poem off and went to the garage to train. As I did not train yesterday due to the hospital adventure, I decided to train for an hour today at a lower level. I confess I did not fancy it but then that’s what Rocket is for. He came through, he always does and soon I was astride my rower. The first half hour was a strain but as I got into the second half I relaxed a bit and found some energy. In the end it was a good session. Over 12 kilometres and 800+ calories burnt.

The session gets recorded in my food and training journal before I change out of my kit and make myself the luxury of a fresh coffee. I am truly addicted. I retire to the lounge and sit on the sofa with my feet on the Circulation Reviver, which, as far as I can tell just mildly electrocutes my feet, but it seems to work, so as I tempt myself to up the voltage I sit and catch up on the blog. My intention is to have a mindless evening as I have no spoons left. There appears to be little on TV so I expect I will scour the various platforms for something suitably undemanding.

Tuesday and I wake up with my usual injection ache, so I head for the kitchen to make muesli and fresh coffee. I settle down to eat and take my morning meds while I watch a forensic expert talk about 16 groove right hand gun barrel rifling. My partner goes out to see the GP and I learn more about hollow point 2.2 rifle bullets. I get a call from a friend, and as we are catching up my partner returns and says that the doctor has arranged for her to go to hospital. Not what either of us expected, so preparations got under way, a bag packed and clothes changed.

I was going to drive and then I remembered the queues at the hospital car park and brought up the Uber app and we were on our way. When we get to the hospital we see what a good decision a taxi was as the street queue to get into the hospital car park tails back at least three streets. We find our way to ward 16 and my partner checks in.

This is how the waiting starts. My partner finally gets called to have her blood pressure taken and returns with a catheter in her arm and a few millilitres of blood short. All we can do is wait for the results to come through, hours go by and we improvise a game to keep us occupied while everyone around us are buried in their phones.

Eventually my partner gets called back to see the doctor. She returns after some time, back after more probing and prodding, with the news that she is to have a scan but there is between a one or two hour wait. We settle down for the wait, its gone four o’clock and I am hungry. I go to the restaurant and grab a sandwich and as I tuck in my partner text me to say she has been called back in to see the consultant. By the time I get up the five floors to the ward waiting area my partner is there waiting for me. The consultant has decided that my partner can become an outpatient and have her investigation in due course. In the meantime she is prescribed codeine. We wait for the paperwork to arrive and when it does there is a discharge repot and a prescription. The nurse says we can go however is a bit embarrassed when my partner points out that she still has a catheter in her arm. There is a quick hunt for a nurse and my partner returns without catheter and the hospital gown she has been sporting.

We leave the ward and head for the pharmacy. We think we have found it at reception but are redirected to a portacabin by the car park to get the prescription fulfilled. We are order 173 and it will take half an hour to get to us, so we sit in the waiting area still masked up, unlike the overweight bloke in shorts and two families. Bastards. On reflection there was a woman in the ward waiting area, clearly sign posted a mask area, who just sat there without one. Bastard, I should have ranted but I had other things to do. 173 finally gets called and we collect the codeine from someone who clearly had had a long day, either that or she was just miserably lacking in social skills or just plain miserable. Any way we left, took our masks off and applied the Uber app. This driver was chatty all the way home.

It was a relief to get home, with a flurry of activity the bin gets put out, coffee made, clothes changed and food decided on. My partner goes for simple cereals, banana and savoury bagel while I and my eldest daughter go for an Indian takeaway. We all slow down and watch the Great British Bake Off and I draft the blog. It’s been a long day, Longest of all for my partner. There will be early nights. I will take early night meds and retire spoonless.

Monday, its injection day. I grudgingly get up and have a muesli and fresh coffee breakfast along with my morning meds and pain killers. The walk down to the GP is misty and autumnal. That’s as poetic as the day gets. I’ve no sooner logged into the GP system than the nurse calls me up. Usual procedure, lay on the couch, loosen the clothes round the target area and wait for the sharp scratch and the slight burning sensation in my left side. Finger on cotton wool while it gets taped down adn I’m ready for the next bit of fun. It’s time for the three monthly B12 jab. That get stuck in my left arm with even more of a burn this time. Not being able to book the next appointment because the GP techno system does not go that far I bound from the surgery ripping off my mask and walk home.

On my return I have more fresh coffee and change into my work kit. I have decided to tackle my gutter hedgehogs that have got blocked. As the forecast is for it to piss down tomorrow, I figure that today is a good day to get the gutters clear and the gutter hedgehogs cleaned. So I gather tools and steps and clamber about removing the gutter hedgehogs and clearing out the silt from the gutters at the back of the house where all our roof rainfall runs to. It goes reasonably well, and I tuck the hedgehogs back into the guttering with a degree of satisfaction. With luck the guttering will cope without overflowing tomorrow. While I am in the garden with the steps I trim the fir hedge back to encourage it to bush out and to keep it from becoming too tall. As that goes so well I prune the climbing rose back to the top of the wall height. Thats’s me done in the garden now till Spring.

Back inside and in laze around clothes I have a soup lunch and some tuna before catching up with my cash book and starting to do some Christmas shopping along with some present hunting for my partners birthday that is rapidly approaching. I am beginning to feel my injection and have more coffee and pain killers. While I wait for Tesco to deliver, I watch some snooker, I know that’s not very intellectual but that is all I can manage. Tesco rocks up adn tries to reverse down our narrow drive, there is always one tosser that has no sense of distance or width. As usual he ends up parking outside on the road like everyone else that has a brain. As my partner is on the computer taking a work call I get to have all the fun of unloading and filing the family’s food. Of course, I hide stuff, wouldn’t be fun if I didn’t. My eldest daughter returns from work as I begin to think about training, it’s getting dark and cold and I am tempted to rest, but cancer doesn’t rest and neither does Rocket. I get into my kit and go to the garage. I really do not feel like it. It is a half hour session at my usual resistance level. I do it and it is okay, at least it is done.

I return to the lounge to recover and as I sit, I start to draft the blog. I can feel myself being spoonless and drifting into the night. I shall don my Merlin robe and watch rugby and whatever else takes my fancy before wandering off to bed and hopefully sleeping. There will be meds and more pain killers to see me on my way to the ocean.

Saturday and the day is mainly rugby in all its forms. I watch the first game at 7 o’clock with coffee and bacon sandwiches. Everyone in the household goes out to do things like have their hair done, shop for Christmas or go to the gym. In between rugby games I set about mending the broken greenhouse. After a lot of juggling and replacing joints and connections the greenhouse is retuned to a good condition. It no longer leans or dips and contains the plants I am hoping will be ready for the Spring. Another tick on my to do list.

My youngest daughter who is visiting overnight returns from her shopping in town. She has bought us a present for the Christmas tree, which I instantly love. There will be a tree soon to be decked and these new additions will be right up the front of it.

There is more rugby and then as the sun goes down and the temperature dips, I force myself to change into my training gear, and head for the garage. I can only contemplate a half hour session on the rower and start out at a slow pace. As it turns out I manage to burn 400 calories.

I recover and slip into my Merlin robe to watch Strictly. It’s clear to me who should go, I hope there is justice this week. I finish watching SAS Rogue Heroes and then return to Match of the Day to watch my Brentford beat Manchester City with their first away win. I go to bed with a headache from too much screen time today.

Sunday, the household doesn’t wake up until gone 11 o’clock. I go and weigh myself as it is my Sunday truth slot. I weigh in at 97.8 Kilos. It’s a gain of 0.9 kilos, which after my week, that included time in York and a couple of missed training sessions, I am not surprised. All I need to do is focus and let Rocket do his work next week. There are warm drinks and conversation before I finally get up for breakfast. In an effort to get out my partner and I go to the garden centre to top up our vegetable and fruit. While there we wonder around looking for Christmas present ideas. We are not successful, but I do buy my festive ear stud collection to go with my Xmas jumper. Not classy but fun. My plan is to change my festive stud depending on my mood.

My partner and I move on to the next garden centre, known by us as Hagrid’s, where I buy more peanuts for the squirrels who are being very busy at the moment as autumn begins to bite. Once home I refill the bird feeders and the squirrel feeder that has been emptied quickly over the last two days. I also check Fort Hog and fill up the food bowl again. I am still not sure that it’s not next doors cat that is stealing the food. When everything is refilled, I take time to check the garden camera and I am pleased to find more pictures adn videos of the hedgehog on the night of the 10th-11th of this month, so the hog has not hibernated yet. My partner and I spend time ordering Christmas presents for family members and trying to make inroads to Christmas planning. The evening approaches and after tea we ready ourselves for the Strictly results show. The rest of the evening will pass with a Tesco order check and I will continue to take my pre-emptive pain killers in anticipation of tomorrows injection. Yep, it’s that time of month again. I have had the luxury of an extra week on this cycle as I forgot to order my drugs for last Monday, which made my trip to York far more pleasurable than it would have been.

Friday morning and I wake up again in a hotel room. I have a shower and then pack my worldly goods before going for breakfast. Last night I spent a bit of time going over the exhibiters at the Christas fair on the racecourse. There were four jewellers and two of those I knew from previous visits to York. One of the others focused on “bold ceramics” so I was not tempted to go as all the other stuff was either local food produce, at lot of which was alcohol, and knitted or crafted stuff. I thought I would save the £6 entry fee. Instead, I went to see a friend for coffee and chatted while she waited for the delivery of a new bathroom, which when arrived sat like a modern art instillation on the roadside until the builder arrived to break the pallet down and move it onto the property. I said farewell and drove home via a service station for a sandwich.

It was a good drive and I arrived home safe and sound with one thought in my head: drugs. I dumped my bags and went straight to the chemist in the village to collect my drugs, including the injection for Monday. It will be a week late, but it’s been nice to have made the visit to York without a hen’s egg lump in my gut. I return home just as my partner returns from the gym. In my post I find two blood forms and an appointment letter for my next oncology review. It’s not going to be early November at all but on the 24th, the 3rd anniversary of me and my partners civil partnership anniversary. So, I will get my face to face at 9:15 in the morning and have the rest of the day to get off my face if necessary. I pack my clothes away and then check the garden and deduce by the lack of leaves that the garden guy has been and tidied up for us. I also ascertain that Fort Hog has had its food eaten so take the time to replenish it. Its time my hedgehog went to sleep I think, hopefully the colder coming weather next week might do the trick. Back to the chores, I empty the dishwasher and stow things away before realising that it has gone dark. I do a bit of quick Christmas Shopping online and then I settle down to start the blog.

Tonight, I am anticipating the arrival of my youngest daughter so tonight we might be a full family house. Hopefully I will still get to see the England women’s football team play Japan before I have an early night, as tomorrow morning at 6:30 the English women’s rugby team play New Zealand in the final of the world cup. A good excuse for bacon sandwiches.

I always return from my trips to York to see my mentor and catch up with friends and colleagues feeling more balanced and clearer about moving forward. This time has been particularly helpful as it is the first thinking space I’ve had about me since I fully retired in mid-June. I’ve adjusted well and do not miss anything this time and I have also been able to plan for the future. There are still elements of battling with cancer that will crop up, but I have a better grip on them now and feel less deterred by them. I think I feel in less of a hurry in some strange way.

Thursday and I wake up in a strange bed in the hotel. Eric Sarte plays as my alarm. I check my social media and give myself a mental once over to see how I am. So far so good. It’s time to shower and then go and eat breakfast, always a bit of an adventure in a hotel. At least this time I do not have to go far as my room is on the ground floor. Perhaps they saw my age and took pity on me or they just squeezed me in where they could as it appears from the fullness of the car park that they busy. So, another day starts with me drafting the start of today’s blog whilst still in bed.

I go to breakfast and load up on protein. The morning passes as I get ready to meet my mentor. I set out and I am soon eating a sandwich with my mentor and a colleague of hers. Post sandwich we move, and I am soon settled on my mentor’s settee talking through the issues on my mind. We talk and drink coffee with a quick break for some business. In what felt like a blink of an eye it is dark and I am in the car driving back to the hotel. Of all the things from my old professional life, keeping up the practice of seeing a mentor is the best thing I do. It is invaluable to me to be able to check out my perceptions and to explore options. I may not be a practicing clinician anymore, but I have a life to run and a battle to fight. My partner rings and we chat through our days. As she goes off to prepare for her singing lesson, I catch up on the blog and then go to the hotel restaurant to feed myself. The restaurant no longer does steak except ribeye, so I have the curry followed by ice cream and coffee. This will have to be paid for in training before Sunday’s weigh in. I return to my room having scribbled some thoughts and settle down for the night. It will be night meds and sleep. Coming to York and talking to friends and my mentor makes me realise how much they are dealing with in their own life’s and how, when it comes down to it, I am blessed in many ways. Being existential in outlook and valuing the here and now I am fortunate that I can appreciate how life is from moment to moment. This is it, or as a friend of mine labels her WhatsApp “This is not a rehearsal”.

Wednesday up early and straight to the garage to get todays rower session in before going to York. It’s an effort this early but this is Rocket time and there is a goal: staying alive for as long as reasonably possible.

The session goes well for an early morning session and means I will only miss the Thursday session from this week’s schedule. The goal this week is to dip under 96 kilos. I bring the recycling bins back onto the drive and then I head for the garden where I check Fort Hog. The food is gone so I replenish the bowl. That will cover tonight and perhaps Thursday night as well. Finally, I settle down to my muesli and fresh coffee breakfast and the first draft of the blog. Now it’s time to get ready to travel.

The drive to York was smooth with one stop for a sandwich. I arrive at the York marina where I meet and old colleague for a coffee and a sandwich. It’s good to catch up and hear how the impending move to a new home is going. Before long I am on the road again and soon checked into the hotel. I’ve booked a restaurant in town and will see if another friend who is battling long COVID is available to dine. In these times of spoon economics and the struggle to survive nothing can be for certain. As it turns out she has enough energy to make the trip, so we dine and chat over a meal. It is clear that the effort of coming out is a large one as it need a sleep during the day to have the energy. I am glad that we had the chance to catch up and compare our experiences of the issues we face. Back at the hotel I take my meds, jot notes and catch up with the blog.

Tuesday and I wake and nap. At about 9 o’clock I get up and have my usual muesli breakfast. I think I am addicted to the honey since I cut out sweets and biscuits. Rocket is not pleased and suggests I drop the bee juice. He might have a point. I take my meds and move on. In an effort to attend to myself I spend some pamper time trimming my beard. That was all the pampering I was getting today. I retrieved the steam cleaner from the garage and set it up. Once it was bubbling away nicely, I set about steam cleaning the carpets in the lounge and dining room. To my surprise it turns out that steam cleaning carpets works. They may not be pristine, but they are much better and look reasonable. I am pleased with myself and once I’ve restored the machine back in the garage, I order new head covers for it anticipating that I will be carpet and upholstery cleaning again quite soon. Now that I am in the groove, I empty the hoover and get to work on the carpets around the house. By the time I am finished I’m feeling a bit tired, so I take a nap.

Alexa wakes me up as requested and I check my social media. I feel strangely energetic and change into my training gear but divert myself by going to feed the hog. All the food had gone so either the hog is still eating and not hibernating, or I am making some mice and rats very happy. I note in passing that the squirrel is appreciating the refilled feeder. The squirrel is particularly active at the moment. While out in the garden and in the Shed I take the opportunity to spray the felt tacks on the roof of the Shed with a rubber sealer. I think these may have been the root source of the leak that I had a little while ago. It does not look aesthetically pleasing but it should do the job. I put the ladder away and then I have no excuse not to train, but wait the recycling bins need putting out so that takes another bite of time and delays the pain. Finally, I am astride the rower strapping my feet on and setting up the session. Today it will be 45 minutes on my normal resistance level. At last on the stroke of 4 o’clock I make the first pull. 45 minutes later I am done and pleased with what I’ve done.

It is a reasonable session, and I am pleased that I have made the effort. I record the session in my journal and grab a hand full of sultanas adn cashew nuts as I’ve not eaten since this morning. I sit and let Rammstein play in my ears for a while until I become aware that I am beginning to chill. I change into my Merlin leopard gown and start to draft the blog while my partner cooks tea. I’m listening to the radio via the TV and I am conscious that I am asking myself what is on the TV tonight and realise just how dependant I am becoming on the TV to provide me with entertainment. I hear my internal voice mockingly saying “In my day we made our own entertainment. You younger generation are spoon feed and lazy; I don’t know what the world is coming too.” I think that it quite true, I could do so much else but in my defence, I would say that there are days when I am knackered and just want to be entertained without me having to put the effort in. Tonight, could be one of those nights after my active day. Tomorow I head north to York to see friends and old colleagues. Unfortunately the King is turning up to unveil a statue of his mum in York tomorrow so I guess traffic might be an issue. I also noted that there is a big market on the racecourse close to my hotel so I might find some treasures of Yorkshire for Christmas presents. First an early night so I can train in the morning and check the car.