Thursday, I wake to my partner going off to work to Real World work that includes driving and face to face meeting. I get up slowly feeling washed out and dress before having a simple breakfast and taking my morning meds. Its taking a while to get going today and I wonder if my trip to York has taken more spoons than I realised. My overwhelming feeling is that of being cold so I check the heating and find it is not on. I immediately turn it on as I hear in the background that the fuel companies are raising their prices by 5% in January. This against the background of the Chancellor pretending that his Autumn statement was making people better off, as it turns out all the think tanks suggest he is not telling it how it actually is. Its all spin for an election, I guess we will find out how gullible the British public is when the time comes.

I start to work on my poetry collections with a view of getting them ready to publish. It is a tedious process as I literally go over them word by word, punctuation by punctuation, In the process I begin to doubt myself about what I have written and he format. I change some things adn not others. I take a break for lunch time soup and then plough on. There is a short time out as I draft instructions for the solicitors to be signed by my eldest daughter in due course once the solicitors send us an authorisation form. With that done I return to the poetry. In the process I discover how to take a screen shot with buttons I did not know I had on the key board, live and learn eh!

They call my poetry
Bony.
No flesh
No story.
I open my eyes
There is light
And wonder,
this is enough

Eventually I am down to writing the bio that I assume they will want for the book and a dedication. I cannot face doing a contents list so decide to email the Amazon publishing guy to see if I have to do it or if they will. I suspect they will do as little as possible and I will have to flog my way through making one for inclusion. I remain cold but clear the kitchen, empty bins and put out the recycling before making the effort to take my vitals. I had spent part of the morning updating my Excel spread sheet for my vitals so I know that overall they are remaining stable in the face of the chemo.

Tomorrow I am having bloods taken to monitor the effectiveness or not of the current chemo controlling my PSA levels. These will form the basis of my oncology review on the 30th of November. So tonight I shall be drinking a lot of water to ensure that I am hydrated as this affects my platelet levels. Its all part of giving myself the best shot at getting the arithmetic right. I’ve not trained today as frankly I could not face it. My partner returns from a long day at work and cooks tea. Its unclear if she is doing her singing lesson tonight, all I want to do is be warm and get a good nights sleep. I feel I am slipping down in energy and note that the weather folk are predicting snow soon. I am not amused. The evening arrives and I do my best to settle down and feel warm before taking my night meds and getting to my bed. Of course there is a lot of water to be drunk before the morning comes around and I trot down to the GP surgery.

Wednesday and I wake up in the hotel bed and get myself into the shower to get my day started. I get packed up, take my meds before heading to the restaurant. On the way the plan is to put on bag into the boot of the car but the boot wont open. My electronic key will not work so I take out the hard key and open the car to be met by the alarm going off. The car will not start. Not until I press the alarm off part of the key fob does it stop. I tentatively try opening the car using the keyless method and it opens. I retreat to the restaurant and ponder my options of what to do about my key fob. Breakfast over I return to the room and take my key fob apart and note the battery type in the fob. I reassemble the fob, gather up my belongings and go to reception to check out. Fortunately when I get to the car it opens via the fob. I drive to the local Tesco store and buy batteries for the key fob and a plant for the friend I am going to see.

Feeling confident I return to my car but find my car will not respond to the key fob. I mutter unkind words and set about changing the battery in the key fob hoping that this is what is wrong. The moment of truth arrives. Ta Da! the car opens and I am able to get on my way having stored spare key fob batteries in the glove box and in my traveling office back pack. I arrive at my friends only marginally after the agreed time and I am met by my friends old dog a new one that I do not recognise. It turns out Daisy, the new dog has found its way to the family via various foster families. My friend makes me coffee and we begin to catch up and talk about life and the things going on. Its very helpful to talk to someone outside the immediate family to get asked questions to make mem think and to explore what is going on and why it is going on. Time flies by and it is all good time, I leave feeling its been useful in the here and now but also that it will be useful in the future as I have time to process the conversation.

I drive to another friends house to visit over lunchtime before heading for home. I am kindly fed bacon rolls and there is time to chat some more before she has to prepare for work in the afternoon. I am mildly wired as I realise that I have been drinking caffeinated coffee after a long period of drinking decaf coffee. I drive to the motorway and set off south, I realise as I am driving that my eyes need to be tested as I can see better without my glasses than with. As time goes on it gets darker and I think it is going to rain until it dawns on me that the darkness is night drawing on. I had forgotten that the night now draws on early in the day. My drive home was slower than usual.

I get home just before my partner returns from seeing her mother. I am tired and my partner and I settle on fish and chips for tea. I catch up with the last two days crosswords and move on to an evening of TV wall paper. Eventually I draft the blog and take my night meds. Thankfully I have a free day tomorrow to reflect and to rest.

Tuesday and I wake in the hotel bed and go through my routine of email, message and cyber litter checks. I go down to breakfast and find all I want is grapefruit and toast. I start to prepare my Christmas lists and do some Christmas research, I also finish reading Tom’s Midnight Garden. I take a trip to the local Tesco and use the cash machine adn pick up some odds and ends. Just before lunch time I drive to my friends house and have lunch with her. We have time for soup and a chat before she has to go back to work and I wander off to York. I am feeling quite spoonless so return to the hotel and continue to do Christmas research.

I find the COVID enquiry is on and its Prof Whitty’s turn, its a fascinating watch. He is clearly a bright bunny and is very good at being clear about what he is saying and explaining why he did what he did and who was responsible for what. Tea time comes around and I head for the restaurant knowing exactly what I want. So a pepperoni pizza and strawberry ice cream later I am back in my room in time to watch The Great British Bake Off. It turns out that this year the final is going to be all male, an unusual outcome.

I set about drafting the blog before I take my night meds, pack what I can and settle into bed for an early night. Tomorrow I see my mentor.

Monday and its a relatively early start as I am of to the dentist for an emergency filling at 9:45 before I can get on with the rest of my planned day. Of course one has to shower before a dentist appointment and foregoes breakfast to forego the embarrassment of the dentist tutting at food between the teeth even though they have been brush and mouth washed . I check the appointment time with the receptionist before starting my preparations including morning meds.

On the dot of 9:45 I am in the dentist reception area where I play with my phone till called in. My dentist is vey good and is into doing the work straight away and explaining what has been lost, what has failed and what the options are. We agree a temporary filling for today and a think about crowning the tooth. By the time the temporary filling is done I have had my think and book an appointment in the new year to have the offending tooth crowned. My dead sisters Christmas present to me.

Once home I pack for my trip to York. The garden guy arrives so I spend time listening to him and telling him what needs doing, before taking the opportunity to fill the squirrel feeder. I have no cash so at lunchtime I and my partner walk to the village co-op only to find that the cash machine had run out of cash. Once home I do the final checks on myself and the packing and then head off to York. The drive is reasonably good with one comfort stop and the taking on board of a baguette to fuel me. At no time did I use the SatNav, I know this journey well now. On arrival at the hotel I automatically tapped in my car registration and then signed in. My room is okay and I settle in, making the usual “I have arrived” messages, then draft the start of the blog before getting on with having a nap. So far today the spoon expenditure has been high so I need to recoup some spoons for the evening.

At 18:45 I pick my friend up and return to the hotel to have a meal. Normally it would have been a restaurant but my friend is still fighting hard against the fatigue of long COVID. We dine and chat but by half past nine it is clear that my friend is very tired so I take her home and return to the hotel to watch the end of the England v North Macedonia with a large black coffee. Its a disappointing draw, so I return to my room and daft the blog while watching the news. It’s been a long day but strangely I do not feel as tired as I expected to be, I am taken aback by my friends fatigue and it brings home to me how lucky I am to have good days and to be able to fight the way I can. I take my night meds and read until I settle down in this strange bed to sleep.

Saturday, a day that had a morning of preparation as I printed off poems and practiced reading them. There followed quite a long wrestle with the technology as Zoom insisted on upgrading on my “unrecognised” device. It took for what felt for ever, so what was supposed to be a relaxed approach to the poetry Stanza turned out to be an unseemly and anxious rush. However once into the meeting the afternoon went by very pleasantly, my poem went okay and there were some lovely ones from the rest of the group.

Post stanza I moved into evening and of course Strictly. A strange fascination, I have no idea why I watch it, perhaps it is just something about dance for dance sake. AS the day progresses I feel the soreness in my mouth increase due the sharpness of the tooth that has lost its filling. It tends to take the joy out of food. I am increasingly looking forward to Monday morning dentist appointment. The evening ends with a film. A nonsense film full of the usual technology is dangerous messages is the food for the evening before I down my night meds and go to bed.

Sunday and I wake up to a coffee brought to me by my partner. We laze in bed and chat about family matters, finances and plans for the coming week. It is a time to catch up and see how we are. Having chatted we get up for breakfast after which we make our usual face to face call to our youngest daughter with the new grandson. I fill my drugs wallets for the next two weeks and then drive my partner and I to the local garden centre to get food and odd items for Christmas. The weather is cold and damp with a wintery nip in the air. On the return journey I check the car tyres and fill the tank in preparation for my drive to York tomorrow. I also manage to get a bottle of mouth wash for my sore mouth. Once home I immediately use the mouthwash and get some relief for my sore mouth. I then rest from the effort and continue to read Tom’s Midnight Garden until up to doing other things. One of the other things I do is finally move the last remaining storage box of my deceased families trinkets, fripperies and jewellery into the loft with the help of my eldest daughter. At last the hallway is almost reclaimed apart from some pictures that I need to find homes for. There is time to catch a rugby match before tea and then of course the Strictly results show. Justice is done as Angela Rippon bites the dust.

There is time to pack for my York trip and to get ready to travel. I finalise the Tesco order and leave a list of things that the garden guy needs to do on Monday. I am trying to ensure that I have done everything I need to do before my brief trip. Of course my first port of call in the morning is the dentist who I am hoping will work her miracles and remove the cause of my sore mouth. Then it will be a stately drive up the motorway. I take my night meds and go to my bed hoping for a good nights sleep.

Post result show

Friday and I am doing okay as I wake up. I check my messages and my cyber litter before settling down to reading Tom’s Midnight Garden. I am brought a coffee and I continue to read. I am slow to rise this Friday as I know I am going out this evening. Of course I eventually get up and make myself toast and coffee. I then start to deal with mail that needs to go to the solicitors. I discover I have lost a filing and immediately ring the dentist. The earliest I can get in is Monday morning, so on Monday I shall go and have my filling done before I drive north to York to see my mentor and friends.

There is a bacon sandwich followed by a telephone call with from the solicitors office. It is a timely conversation to have as I am half way through drafting an email to them, so the call saves me time. I start my preparation for this weekends Poetry Stanza meeting whilst listening to more episodes of the Infinite Monkey Cage. Its like doing homework or rehearsing for an audition. All the poems have to be downloaded and organised and then of course read. The reading is not just for understanding but the knowledge of knowing that I will be responsible for reading someone’s poems on the day motivates me to get it right. After all I hope other people do the same for my poem as its part of the core experience of hearing some one else read your poetry out loud. Given that the group will discuss the poem after the reading you want the poem to be shown off at its best and of course when its my turn to read I want to do the poem justice. Below is my contribution this month, its more of a frippery this month. I think I save my more “meaty” stuff for the face to face meetings.

It’s time.
Time to say farewell,
bite the bullet and concede to the scythe.
Like the inevitably
Of harvest,
I yield.
Carefully I select
the items,
and with them the memories.
With each comes stitched in
reminiscences. 
Each pair are transitional items
that will be jettisoned,
recycled or forgotten.
Reality confrontation
at a brutal level.
A mirror that won’t be denied
And is now avoided.
I’m never going to be the same 
and gone is the possibility.
I am beyond any clever fix
My waist line will never again be 36.

By the time I have done this and I have started drafting the blog the day has gone dark. So I ease myself to the evening where I shall wrap up warm and go with my partner to meet friends for a meal at a local pub. In fact its our local biker pub and I think as a consequences does very good food. I realise only now that England are playing on TV tonight as is Pudsy and children in need. On balance I think a meal with friends is preferable.

Thursday and I wake to a quiet house as my partner has gone to work, real work not a trot downstairs to the office. I am tentative about getting up so spend a bit of time reading Wild Swans and dealing with my cyber litter, messages and emails. By the time I am up I am hungry and make egg and soldiers before sorting the post and tidying up. In the post is a new book from my brain feeding friend and it is one I have not read. I am tempted to start reading it straight away but hold of, as I know I need to make the effort to train.

I am not feeling particularly good as I take my vitals but they seem to be okay so I change into my training gear and head to the garage. Its the coldest its been so far this year.

The session I decide will be 30 minutes as I am not sure how much energy I have to spend and I am aware that I am going out tonight. I strap in to the rower and set off not feeling particularly confident that I will reach my normal standards, but I do get into to a groove and make headway. By the end of the session I am over 6 Kilometres and have burnt over 400 calories, so I am pleased and mildly surprised.

As is my usual habit I record my session in my food, meds and training journal and then go and take my vitals again. They are okay but my heart rate is a bit elevated. As I am going out in the evening I decide to have a bath and hope it eases off the last of the soreness from Mondays injection. Once my bath bomb bath is ready I ease myself in and start to read Tom’s Midnight Garden. From the start I find it quite a disturbing book adn it is partly because I’ve been listening to the Infinite Monkey Cage where the idea of Block Time keeps being discussed. It’s the idea that all things have happened, past and future, but for some reason humans can only access the past. It is a matter of debate. However it becomes clear very soon that Tom’s Midnight Garden has an strong element of this idea in it. I am eager to read more but my bath gets cold and I slither out into warm towels.

I get tarted up to go out, trimmed beard and deodorant and of course dressed. By now I am hungry again and have a sandwich and drink and discover I have some more emails to deal with. There is time to snatch a few more pages of the new book before its tie to start to prepare tea in anticipation of my partner retuning from work. Just as I get the sauce underway my partner returns and so I crack on making our pasta meal. Its not long before we are on our way to the De Montfort Hall to see Fascinating Aida. We arrive in plenty of time and park in the venues car park and indulge in a pre hoe coffee and twix. There is time for the usual pre-emptive activity piss and then we are in the auditorium seated in our favourite row, which is the front row of the upper circle as it has huge leg room. Fascinating Aida are jut brilliant. If you haven’t seen them do so if you get a chance. Not for the feint hearted or Tory but both funny and touching. There is half time ice cream and then more excellent entertainment from them. Below is the trailer for the show we saw tonight.

We drive home after the show and I draft the blog having taken my night meds. I go to bed having spent all my spoons for the day but glad I made the effort on all fronts today

Same moon but always different, how is this possible, a trick of the light or of the mind?

Wednesday after terror Tuesday and I take my time to wake up and see how I am. The answer is a bit wobbly but not yet chipper. My partner brings me a coffee and I get with the goal of getting out of the house by going to the village café for breakfast. I get my morning meds down me and then get myself into my new fleece lined action trousers and overcoat, topped off with the new beanie and head off out. Picking up a newspaper on the way I settle into the village café and start the crosswords while my bacon and sausage baguette with a black coffee arrives. Its nice to be out and good to see strangers doing the same wandering the village as me. I have to say my new winter clothes were a good decision as I feel snug the entire time. I am home by noon and start to deal with the post and the emails that need attention.

I can feel myself flagging so take a break and listen to The Infinite Monkey Cage for a while and then get on with the life admin. Some forms get printed and signed. I write the covering letter and get the documents over to the post office and sent for tomorrows delivery. Back home there are emails to write to the solicitors dealing with my sisters estate. Its difficult to ensure the right balance between legal advice and other considerations without sounding arsy. So with the emails gone its time to file the paper work that has been generated. Call me old fashioned but I like to keep hard copies of things, I like the the “flipping backwards and forwards” nature of hard copy. The post has brought me a new book, a gift from my book reading friend who has been helping me feed my brain. Wild Swans by Jung Chang is a book I have read before but I shall reread it as it is a truly remarkable book. It is the true history of three generations of Chinese women from times of emperor rule through to communist revolution. The way the family survives the radical cultural and political changes are incredible.

Evening is suddenly upon me and eating tea, drafting the blog and watching an FA cup match before Shetland comes on. Its been a reasonable day compared to the last two so I am hoping I am properly recovered tomorrow as tomorrow evening I have tickets to go and see Fascinating Aida. One of my favourite evenings out as they are always entertaining and bitingly satirical. So once I’ve watched Shetland and taken my night meds I am off to bed pleased that I have stayed off the paracetamol today.

This is terror Tuesday. I wake up feeling knocked about and sore from yesterdays injection. I feel groggy and fatigued but mostly sore. I wonder if I am talking myself into this with a negative internal dialogue, but I feel crap against an internal dialogue that I can make more positive. Like in rain I know the sun will shine again, so I keep these thoughts in mind and tell myself that any small step I can make is a contribution to feeling better.

My partner brings me a coffee and I slowly check my messages, emails, and cyber litter. By 10 o’clock I get up and have muesli and coffee taking my morning meds as I do so. I wonder about taking more paracetamol, I am not keen but I know I shall probably do so at some point. I send my poem to the poetry Stanza for the coming meeting on Saturday, as I do I note that on Zoom meeting sessions I tend to send less personal poems and more humorous or trivial content poems. There is something about sharing the more “tricky” poems face to face which feels more appropriate.

By noon I am flagging again and cave in and take paracetamol. If only I could get moving, its a real Catch 22. So paracetamol, take my vitals and then try to find a way to rest restoratively. I end up listening to more Infinite Monkey Cage while laying down. Mid afternoon I try to rouse myself, clear the kitchen, put the bin out and take in a delivery, which includes my new beanie and fleece lined trousers. I am flagging but a new email comes in from the tax company that are working on my sisters estate. There are several things I do not understand and spend ages drafting a reply to try and clarify some points. No sooner than I have pressed the go key another email comes in from the solicitors which needs time to consider. We appear to have reached an impasse with HMRC despite having paid the inheritance tax, with solicitors advising to wait for the tax folk to clear everything.

Evening rolls up and my partner makes tea and we eat while I draft the blog and wait for the Great British Bake Off. I am still feeling like I have been run over by a bus and have a simple plan: take my meds and go to bed. It is definitely a case of eat, sleep, repeat. Right now my spoon economy is minimal, all I can do is hang on in there and trust my body will recover as it has done so many times before. Its just the nature of the cycle.

Jab Monday and I am awake at 7:30 listening to my eldest daughter getting ready to go to work and my partner snoozing. I get up, make a warm drink for my partner and get myself ready for my walk to the GP surgery. Just time for a coffee adn morning meds and then I am walking in the morning air that is breezy and damp. On my arrival at the surgery I fish out mask from the depths of a fluffy pocket and book myself in, take a seat and wait. Within moments I am called in to the clinic room, the upside of going for an early appointment time. I hand over the injection box to the nurse who puts the impedimenta together while I adjust my clothing to give her access to the injection site. The drug goes in relatively easy, it is viscous and bulky adn takes time to get it all in. Once done I check my next appointment time and go on my way.

On my way home I pick up a paper so I can do the crosswords as I have more coffee and toast. I consume these as I watch the government reshuffle on TV in a kind of fascination, like a snake watching a mongoose. I am surprised as the announcement is made that David, pig botherer, Cameroon, is appointed as Foreign Secretary. After the initial shock there are acres of fill in TV full of people making up opinions and waffle to fill in time before anything else happens. My partner goes off with her brother to see their mother who has returned from her hospital visit last night. I start to do my own admin by chasing up solicitors, writing letters and tidying up the domestic environment in preparation for the coming Tesco delivery.

By lunchtime I am tired and feeling sore at my injection site. I make myself soup and move the car off the drive to leave rom for the Tesco delivery. I listen to another episode of the Infinite Monkey Cage. My partner returns and we while time away until Tesco deliver. There is a spurt of unpacking and squirrelling away the food. I return to the sofa as I feel my post injection “withdrawing junkie” state coming on. No matter how warm the house is I shiver on these injection days. All I can do is take paracetamol, grit my teeth adn take myself to bed as early as I can bear to try and sleep through the worst of the “withdrawal”. My evening then is made up of eating and then trying to be as mindless as possible till I take my night meds and fight to sleep through. These days are the low points as two 28 day cycles collide, however I will stand, hold my ground and come through to some equilibrium.