Tuesday, this is a good Tuesday possibly the best. It coincides with the last day of Cycle 5 of my Chemo. Having checked my cyber litter and my accounts, drunk a coffee brought to me by my partner before she went off to see her mother, I get up and do my vitals, the last in this cycle. Having dressed I make my breakfast and then start my drug rituals of ordering next months supply and of filling my drugs wallets for the next two weeks. Its time consuming and fiddley but it keeps me straight. Its one of my mildly obsessive rituals but is part of my external structure that enables me to function on automatic when I am not at my best. I note it is the state opening of parliament as my TV gets filled with people in fairy tale carriages and dressed up in robes and waving wands of state. Some woman called Black Rod bangs on doors and people troop from one carpet colour to another to hear a King read a fantasy to them. So this is democracy, I go and put my washing in and then set about clearing the kitchen and wrestling the pile of cardboard boxes in the hall, the detritus of the shoe chaos campaign. By two o’clock I’ve done lunch, washing is on the line and I am wondering at what point I am going to train. I have to train today as I have fallen below the magical 100 PAI points I need to stay fit. It feels like I have spent a lot spoons already this morning but need at least another 16 PAI points to get to the required 100. The arrives and with it a single “bloods” form to take with me when I get my next bloods done on the 24th of November prior to my oncology review on November the 30th.

I spend time reading the Relational Practice Manifesto/ Strategy that has a closing date for comments on the 17th of November. I am in several minds about it. It is a laudable aim to place human relationships at the heart of practice and services. What bothers me that it is not a simple coming together, there is a power dynamic that seems to hold a veto in there somewhere. It seems to me that people blossom when they come together only when they do so freely, not as service provider and user. It is something I will ponder as I row, recalling my own experiences.

I don’t ponder on my row, I just row, but I row for and hour gently except for the last few minutes to get me over the 11,000 metre mark, in fact I get over the aesthetically pleasing 11111 metres and the 700 calorie mark. I am feeling mildly pleased with myself until I check my fitness app that has given me only 9, yes a measly 9 PAI points for my efforts which means I have not reached the 100 required as standard. I am truly pissed off and wonder about the efficacy of my Fitbit and the fitness app I am using.

Stamping on my disappointment I go into the now dark garden to gather in my washing, to find the airier is already in use, so I put the recycling bin out to find a rogue pair of shoes not in the new shoe rack, and so the chaos starts again. I bring the Amazon parcels in to the hall I cleared earlier so they do not get damp and then finally I sit down to record my session in my journal and catch up with the drafting of the blog. I shall change into dry clothes and unrepentantly watch football.

Apart from football I manage the Great British Bake Of and a final go at the daft of todays blog. I’m out of spoons now and down my night meds and take Oscar and Lucinda to bed. Its been a long day with what feels like little reward beyond tidying up and maintenance stuff. Tomorrow I’ve a coffee planned with a friend. and of course I start Cycle 6 of my chemo. It is unremitting, unforgiving and relentless, but I stand and my experience across the years is imprescriptible.

Sunday, a day of doing not a lot except for shopping for food, reading and watching a rugby match. Of course eating was in there as was the Strictly results show. My highlight was my weigh in early in the morning, this is one of my self checks, sometime ago I could do some things that would guarantee that I would lose weight. That is not the case any more due to my reduced ability to train hard and the adipose disposing of the chemotherapy I am on. I get myself on the scales and tentatively look down. To my surprise I weigh 96.7 kilos, this is a loss of 1.2 kilo, despite the indulgence in chocolate. So this is always going to be a good Sunday regard of anything else. The evening comes around very quickly as does the 2023 dubbed French file, Wingwomen. Its an experience, if you have two hours you are willing to use, its a very modern and very French film. Ultimately I take my night meds and saunter off to bed clutching my phone and Peter Carey’s Oscar and Lucinda, my latest gift from my book friend who feeds me.

Monday starts early with my partner getting up for work and a little time later she brings me a coffee, by which time I’ve dealt with my cyber litter and I have returned to Oscar and Lucinda. I am beginning to understand that Oscar and Lucinda is a well written and crafted piece of literature but I am already sensing that this is going to be a demanding read. It is full of detail and even though it is written in short bursts I find it a challenge to read. I have breakfast and clear the kitchen as I wait for the final pieces of my shoe organisation project and water butt maintenance scheme to arrive. To while away the time I catch up with the blog and plan my week. As I do all this I listen to the Infinite Monkey Cage with Brian Cox and Robin Ince and remember the famous “blue spot” photograph of the earth, which is the most distance picture of the earth taken. It’s always been a favourite of mine and put things into perspective.

Still waiting for Amazon to arrive I do lunch and go off to the Shed to write letters. The Shed is cold but soon warms up as I get to grips with writing on smaller than usual writing paper. I am good for one letter before I flag, these dips in energy are a real pain. I lock up the Shed and make my way immediately to the post office to send my letter on its way. I linger over the chocolate aisle and pick up a paper, my intention being to settle down to a coffee and the crosswords.

Once home I make my coffee but before I can really get going on the crosswords Amazon deliver my next shoe rack and drain piping. I immediately set about putting the shoe rack together, it goes smoothly as I know what I Am doing and have the right tool and practice to do it quickly. Its not not long before I have the new rack in place, getting rid of the garden shoe chaos.

The light is beginning to fail and its starting to rain but I crack on and use the newly arrived flexible piping to drain the top two sections of the water butt in order to make sure the winter rain does not overflow the gutters. With my two chores done I return to my coffee and crosswords. I am on fire and thrash through the crosswords with no need for Google. As I am on a roll I do some more filing of the papers and photos that came from my sisters house. By the end of my efforts I have everything stowed or filed in folders. I take the one address book from the papers that I recognise as being the most up to date address book my sister had. I am hoping that I can find the addresses of the Scottish branch of the family. Recently I have been toying with the idea of writing to my cousins to get the information I need to complete the details on the family tree. I shall be interested to see if I actually do.

I am just finished with the files and boxes when tea is ready and sit and eat while catching up with the days news only to be interrupted by the arrival of the Tesco delivery. There is toting and squirreling of food in a flurry of activity before I return to the sofa to draft the blog. Tonight is quiz night on BBC 2 so there will be a period of self inflicted ignorance confirmation. From Mastermind to University Challenge then onto Only Connect, by the end my general stupidity is confirmed. I like to think I am just a bit a slow due to age, dyslexia and chemo but I have I sneaky suspicion that a combination of lack of basic education and a brain of full of pixies that are not as quick as synapses may account for my mediocre showing.

As the penultimate day of cycle 5 draws to a close I take my medication, tuck Oscar and Lucinda under my arm and go to bed for an early night. Tomorrow is the last of cycle 5 which leaves me with one more cycle to go before my next oncology review.

Saturday and I wake up knowing my blood results from last night. I tacked them onto yesterdays blog after they were posted after midnight. The headline was the further reduction in my PSA, not by a lot but it is nevertheless a reduction. The rest of the profile is reasonable I am disappointed with the drop in my platelets and rise in Urea, which suggests I am not as hydrated as I should be.

I am usually quite chipper when I get results like this but today not so much. Its difficult to explain but the side effects of this chemo drain me and make me feel a combination of fatigue and listlessness. I find myself feeling quite anxious, so although the arithmetic is good my sense of wellness and ability to do things seem to be impeded.

My partner brings me a coffee while I check my messages, emails and cyber litter. I am still in bed when my partner goes off with a friend to spend the morning having coffee and a catch up chat. I get up and have breakfast and watch a women’s international rugby match, England beat New Zealand to win this years international competition. My day drifts as I watch more stuff, as I feel bereft of spoons. It unusual for me to feel this spoonless this early in the day. I continue to drift on the sofa, half watching more rugby and drafting things on my laptop until my partner returns. We have a light snack and I continue to drift. I notice the bathroom light has once again gone out so I gather myself together to try and rectify the situation.

Bathroom light sorted I return to other things. I check my vitals which are okay and then return to the sofa and TV. Its going to be a night of Strictly and football probably, night meds and bed as soon as possible. Definitely not feeling good. I indulge in chocolate heavily tonight, sometimes I just need the lift.

Friday and I wake knowing my first task of the day is to get to the GP to have my bloods taken. My partner brings me a coffee before I get up and dress and find time to do my first set of vitals for the day. I walk down to the GP equipped with my bloods form but as I enter the reception area I realise I am not wearing a mask. I rummage through my jacket pockets and come up with my “just in case” mask and take a seat. I barely have time to read my book when I am called in. To my delight my veins continue to be cooperative and offer themselves up with no resistance to the needle. In a trice I am done and heading towards the local co-op to get a paper. A few minutes later I am seated in the local village café doing the crosswords and waiting for my full English breakfast and coffee. Its a while since I’ve done this and I am pleased I have made the effort as I tuck into the food and do the crosswords. I realise that I have left my phone at home but despite that I compete both crosswords, go me! Sauntering home I plan my day, which is a mistake really as it means that things can go wrong. As Spike Milligan said “I plan nothing, that way nothing goes wrong”, It is a sunny day but I rest a while on the sofa to start the draft blog and watch the COVID enquiry but find it does not sit on a Friday.

I spend my morning reading Carlo Rovelli’s White Holes, which I finish. He writes delightfully about complex ideas and clearly enjoys the writing. The production of the print in the book is a bit idiosyncratic as there are frequent “i” for “I” and the start of sentences are often lacking a Capital letter but for a dyslexic these things feel normal at some level, it is the ideas that count. So now I have a basic grasp of the idea of black holes bouncing and forming white holes with lower horizons than the original black hole and how the time maybe related to an unbalanced past state to a flow into the current state. All good stuff, it seems to chime in strangely with the ethical philosophy I have been reading of late.

I see the Amazon man deliver and hope it is the next instalment of combating the porch shoe chaos. Before that I have several goes at getting an email with an attachment sent to the lawyers to deal with related to my sisters estate. Gas bills after death, another thing to hand on but I eventually get my email to accept the attachment and it goes off into the ether. Having waved farewell to a gas bill I get to grips with building the new shoe rack for the porch. I get the first four bars into one end and realise that I will knacker my wrists if I persist with this method. The rails are so tight to fit that it will take all my effort and remaining spoons to complete the job, if at all. I seek out my trusty soft headed floor laying hammer and some silicon lubricant and set to work. Once again opposable thumb creature overcomes the environment. I triumph eventually and begin to reorganise shoes and boots until my partner takes pity on me and together with my eldest daughter they sort out the pile of footwear into so some sort of order and cast away those that no longer bring them joy. I return to the blog and and enjoy the transformation.

Its a good job well done. I am out of spoons now and look forward to an easy evening of TV and a meal, perhaps a rugby game. As I had bloods done this morning I might get the results late tonight. I usually stay up to get them but today I am not sure, I am quite anxious about what they will be like. I am five cycles in now and due to start the sixth cycle in five days time, I just hope my PSA has fallen otherwise cycle six will be a waste of time and bad news. The wind will blow again and my dandelion clock become less again.

At midnight the blood results come in. The news is good, my PSA has dropped again. In general the whole profile is good. There is a drop out of the normal range in my platelets but not too far of the normal range. I caste the results up into a grid, update the blog and go to bed.

Thursday and 2 days into November and I wake up after a better nights sleep. I do my routine message, mail, account and cyber litter check. There is a scam “Amazon” text saying someone who knows my password is trying to access my account so press on the link. Bollocks really, if they know my password they will be in my account no problem. I check my Amazon account and all is well. As a rule of thumb I delete everything I am not expecting. The last time I did that I discovered it was actually my bank trying to stop a debit card fraud, but as I rang them to check if it was them I did the right thing. My basic dictum is “the bastards just want my money” and just refuse to engage with any thing or anybody unless its on my terms. Excitement over I read some of Carlo Rovelli’s White Holes. As ever it is an easy read about mind blowing cosmological concepts, I am tempted to stay in bed to read but get up to do my vitals and have breakfast.

As I sit dipping soldiers into boiled eggs the local parcel delivery guy delivers my new shoe rack for the porch. I naturally think that this is going to be a struggle but I set to work constructing it with the COVID enquiry going on in the background. One has to admire just how smooth and slippery Kings Counsel and the witnesses are, such carefully chosen words and such menace. The new shoe rack goes together without a hitch to my delight. The moment of truth comes when I look to slot it into the space in the porch, which I had measured several times, but you never know. Ta Da it fits perfectly and shoe chaos is turned in to beautiful organisation in a moment. It is lovely when we the opposable thumbed ones over come their environment and indulge their obsessive need to make order out of chaos.

I of course show it off to my partner and on the basis of the satisfaction with the change we contemplate a similar solution for the other pile of shoes and boots that litter the other side of the porch. We decide that a similar solution is required so I set about measuring up and searching for an appropriate solution. Its sods law that the space is a strange size so the hunt for a suitable solution is prolonged. In the end I find a best approximation and order it. So hopefully very soon the remaining porch shoe chaos can be turned in to an obsessives dream.

I break for lunch and watch more of the COVID enquiry as the lawyers screw down the civil servants and politicians. It is the subtlest of subtle knife wielding as they pass the blame around. It would appear that those with long COVID were always going to get a rotten deal. It would also appear that there is a game between the clinicians, civil servants and politicians of “not me gov but them”. There is an indecent scrabble for the moral high ground and who can play with words the most. I love the guy who kept saying “it was more nuanced”. I have no doubt I shall use it myself at some point in the future. I feel myself flagging and make myself get changed and go to the garage to train. Its that time of year when the garage starts to get chill, it was down to 11 degree by the time I start my forty five minute row. I am determined to try and reach my usual standard but I feel grim as I start out. I get to the end and I am pleased to have got to my 9K target and exceed 600 calories. By the time I get to the end I am done in fact I am over done, my spoon count has gone into the red.

I change and make it to the sofa to record the session in my journal just as my partner returns from seeing her mother. For me it is time to update the blog have tea and then read more of Carlo Rovelli. It is also time to update my spread sheet of my vitals so that I can track my average blood pressure response to the chemo drugs. I expect I shall be lured to TV at some point, what I do know is that I shall be taking my night meds and getting myself to bed early in order to be ready to give my blood sample tomorrow morning. Yep its blood monitoring time in the cycle. A long day as I usually stay up and wait for the results to be posted.

Wednesday and I wake after a very interrupted nights sleep. I wake tired and as a result laze in bed for a while. I go through my routine of checking bank accounts, messages and cyber litter. To my surprise and pleasure a friend rings me and I have a long chat with her about how she is and how her return to work while recovering from long COVID is progressing. We swapped news and how our respective families are developing and doing. My partner brought me a coffee which sustained me during my conversation. It was really good to be able to chat and to catch up with how we both are. It was late morning by the time I get up and make a toast breakfast. I take my meds and try to settle down to a day, I had no plan and I lacked motivation or energy to do much so drift towards lunchtime watching the COVID enquiry. Having cleared the kitchen during the recess in the COVID enquiry I return to the enquiry, but as it is not very exciting I idly have a chat with Amazons chat bot who tried to convince me they were human about self publication of some collections of poems. I realise that this is purely a vanity project but I was interested to see how easy it would be. Apparently it is very easy if you part with a set amount of money. So by mid afternoon I am in a position to start to put together my manuscripts to send off. At last I have a direction that appears simple. Now I can crack on. I intend to publish three smaller collections, Hotels and Restaurants, Herod’s Children and The Cancer Years. All this decided by the time the enquiry judge decides she needs a break at 3:15.

I find I runout of spoons early this day and end up drifting into the evening and a new series of Shetland before I take my meds and check everything is secure before the coming storm. Some days the energy just disappears suddenly, that has been today. My saving pleasure is the arrival of Carlo Rovelli’s White Holes, which will give me a break from philosophy.

Up early as my household goes off to work. I’m not feeling my best, headachy and sluggish, but I get up and do breakfast as I catch up with the news and my cyber litter. I clear the kitchen and then I go to the Shed where I settle in to write letters. This is where I stay as the weather turns showery. Lunchtime comes around and I make my self soup to take back to the Shed along with the treasure of two letters from friends. As I sip my soup in the Shed I read my letters. They are a mixture of joyful adventures, holidays and sad news. From the wonders of CERN to learning that a friends daughter, who I have known since she was a young girl has been diagnosed with cancer. It’s heart breaking and desperately sad.

I return to writing letters and sending messages until I can longer focus. I get messages from friends who are preparing to go trick or treating, clearly there are excited with Halloween. With the Shed closed down I go to the post office to send my letters returning to get ready to train. I am low on spoons but its been five days since I last trained and I need to train to keep the worst of the chemo side effects at bay. I get into my kit and go to the garage to the rowing machine. There is a chill in the air and already the light is failing. I get going on my forty five minute session. I am sluggish and stiff after five days but I persist and get to the end just short of my usual standard.

Unstrapped from the rower I am back on the sofa recording the session. I head for a bath with a bath bomb addition. Once in I reread my letters, this is where my partner finds me when she returns from work. The evening starts with drafting the blog and then having a meal. I am more or less out of spoons now and will watch tonight’s football match between the Belgium and England women’s teams.

Saturday and Sunday are spent with my youngest daughter and Dangerous Beans my new grandson. It is a weekend that is of course baby centred, but it is a delight. This new baby is a very content little person and sleeps extremely peacefully. So the family lazes and rests for two days. Saturday is a full moon. I always feel I should make more of an effort to take notice of it.

Sunday is a lazy day, where we catch up and wait for my youngest daughters partner to return from his brothers break away. Its good to be able to rest ahead of the drive back and to agree a time to see each other again before Christmas. The clocks have gone back and soon it will be dark by five o’clock in the evening, so it makes me aware of how the year has moved on and how much there is now to organise for the winter season.

In the early afternoon we set off for home and drive the slower way home. Once home I unpack and settle down for the evening, caching up with Strictly and Lupin. I check the post and find two post cards from friends who have been on their travels, one excitingly from a trip to the Hadron Collider at CERN. My driving and weekend catch up with me over the evening and I tire quickly. I take my meds and go to bed.

Monday and I wake to my usual routine of checking my messages and cyber litter but there is nothing of any import there that needs my attention. I make breakfast and make a to do list for the day. There is yet more life admin to do around my sisters estate, a bathroom light needs mending, which means a trip to the loft. The blog needs a catch up, which is started early. I find my motivation to write the blog is waning , whether this is part of my meds side effects, or a sense of lack of energy, I’m not sure but its important to keep going and remember the original reason I set the blog up.

By mid afternoon all my things to do are done. Lunch has been taken and the daily crossword puzzles completed, but with a struggle, I do not feel particularly chipper today. I briefly return to the blog before refilling the bird and squirrel feeders. I am beginning to come down with a cold and know that in a couple of days time the forecast is for a lot of rain and wind. I still have some of my; The Good Place and Philosophy book to finish so I am hoping to read my way through the inclement weather when it arrives. I see the bright sunshine in the garden and I know I should be taking advantage of it before the storms arrive but today is one of those days where I feel without energy to do much at all. I’m aware that I am coming to the end of cycle 5 of my chemo and that I have bloods to do on Friday. It feels like there is a limit to how much “stuff” I can keep pushing into my body, however the blood results will tell me if it has been worth it these past couple of months. If it has been then I will push on with cycle six and my oncology review on November the 30th.

My evening goes smoothly, Tesco deliver just after I have eaten and then I get myself sofa’d with a brandy and watch TV. Its quiz night and I marvel at others knowledge and occasionally give a whoop of joy and surprise when I get a question right. Just occasionally I get a run of two or three mainly because some of the obscure bits of random information that I’ve collected over the years have their moment of use. The news is miserable, so I take my night time meds and take myself to bed. Tomorrow is a day that I must train, if I manage that I will be content.

Friday starts in a strange bed, double duveted and vey snug. Its been a reasonable night with my usual interruptions. My partner goes off to spend some bonding time with youngest daughter and grandson. I do my usual cyber checks and take my morning meds before getting myself a new coffee and sitting in the lounge with my trusty laptop. I am joined by the rest of the family where we plan the day and enjoy playing videos of babies laughing to the young grandson much to his bemusement.

After bacon sandwiches and some slow time we all go off to a centre in the forest and go for a walk having wrestled the equivalent of an all terrain buggy into the boot of the car. When we arrive we are dismayed to see a huge contingent of school folk on their half term treat to the woods, but they soon disperse. Our walk is short, vey short as we all experience the up hill climb as being beyond our desires for a drink and a muffin. So we return to the café and settle down to our treats. The young grand son is by degrees not impressed and yawny and is clear in his communication of the fact.

We sit for a long time people watching and comparing buggies and of course babies. Ours was by far the best. With the drinks and cakes gone, as were most of the people we head for home. While dinner is being cooked I sneak off to read and nap before the evening meal. The evening meal is taken and after I clear away and wash up, I felt it was he least I could do having slept a bit during its preparation. So at 8 o’clock as young grandson goes off to bed I sit and watch England beat Argentina in the third place play of the world rugby cup. By now I know I am running out of spoons and draft the blog before taking my night meds and getting yet another early night. It must the fresh air of the forest that is making me tired or just being in another environment away from home. Either way I retreat to the ocean of night and look to sleep.

Thursday and I wake to a travel and grandson day. Its all been very simple really, eat, pack car, and drive to the forest to see my youngest daughter and our new grandson. We have made the trip to be helpful while my daughter’s partner is away with his brothers on an annual beak. It all goes well and by 2:30 pm we arrive.

What follows is a lot of making a fuss of a three month old and eating well and lazing around. I was proud to be left to look after my grandson while my partner and our daughter went to the shops to get food. It was not an onerous task as the young man slept the entire time with an occasional rock of his lounger.

There have been odd moments during the day when I have wished friends happy birthday and seen other friend’s daughter win a prize for best Halloween pumpkin but sitting quietly watching my baby grandson sleep has been truly lovely. So I shall end my simple day by taking my meds and having an early night and getting used to a strange bed. I end the day spoonless from the drive but draft the blog before I do so.