“THE CANCER YEARS: SO FAR

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Introducing “THE CANCER YEARS: So Far” – a poignant poetry collection penned by Roland Woodward, a retired chartered forensic psychologist from the United Kingdom. Despite battling prostate cancer since 2019, Roland’s dyslexia serves as an unexpected enhancement, allowing him to express his experiences with eloquence and depth.

In this heartfelt anthology, Roland shares his reflections on life, love, and resilience amidst adversity. Each poem offers a glimpse into his journey, chronicling the mundane, crises, and challenges of living with cancer. From moments of vulnerability to flashes of hope, Roland’s verses resonate with authenticity and raw emotion.

Inspired by his battle with cancer, Roland embarked on a poetic endeavor, chronicling his experiences through regular blog posts for family and friends. Now, he invites readers to delve into this intimate collection, offering insight into the complexities of life with a life-threatening illness.

As Roland navigates the nuances of his diagnosis, he finds solace and expression in poetry, joining local poets and considering publication. “THE CANCER YEARS: So Far” marks his first step into the realm of published poetry, with hopes of further collections in the future.

Embark on a journey of resilience, introspection, and hope with Roland Woodward’s “THE CANCER YEARS: So Far” – a testament to the power of the human spirit in the face of adversity.

Read Less”

My gast was well and truly flabbered. It was quite something to start the day with. I get up with this in my head and go to the kitchen to make bagels for breakfast, take my meds and put my clothes away from the weekend trip just to keep my feet on the ground. My plan for the morning goes well and one turkey sandwich later I am ready to get my new bird feed storage dustbin unpacked and into the Shed. This part of my plan goes well and even the recycling goes well. When it comes to the actual food for the wild life I was expecting to find peanuts, to my chagrin it turns out to be bird seed. Not being daunted I manhandle the sack of seed into the garden and fill the new storage dustbin and find a way of getting it into the Shed. With the bird feeders full I finish the recycling and continue to listen to Mock the Week while drafting the blog.

While I do all this I continue to think about the poem I am trying to write about being overcome by the noise of the people at the weekend. It has clearly affected me but I am struggling to find the right words to convey what it was like to stand there overcome by the sheer weight of sound. The experience was one of cacophony, it just alienated me from being in the room with the people there. Sound in the form of music has been some of my most memorable experiences but this was different in that it was so aversive. The sheer experience of that noise made me loose all interest in the people making it and turned it into something that just needed to be survived. I know I was not alone. When I recall looking round the room there were others that had withdrawn to the fringes of the room and were silent and the couple the following morning who apologised for their lack of engagement in conversation at the table because they could not cope with the noise confirmed that I was not alone. Usually I can find a form of words that gets close to such experiences but this time it is proving difficult. This is as far as I ‘ve got with it.

377A
My eyes defocus 
and I am left,
awash on the waves 
of a cornfield of sound. 
Standing in a pack of people 
all talking in that 
good time way.
Louder and louder it grows 
as I sink beneath its tides,
it is unbearable 
as on it sweeps 
building into an ocean
that drowns me. 
Cacophony fills me,
as I falter,
desperate not to hear,
to be struck deaf 
to this babbling;
I retreat to the toilets. 
Sitting there in an oasis 
of ordinary silence,
interrupted only by
the occasional occupant’s
coughs and farts
I find respite. 
If I am to dine and participate
in this nights entertainment 
I must return to the cauldron. 
Sitting at table seven 
trying to make conversation
with nice people,
the pain continues. 

Over breakfast a couple 
come and apologise
for being quiet 
for they too were 
deafened by humanity 
out for a jolly time. 
I know what purgatory 
Is now.  
							377A	07-04-2024	

It is clumsy and lacks the weight with which I experienced it, but it is an attempt. It seemed important to try and capture something of the experience. I am wondering now how I will be on Wednesday when I go to see Carmen, I relish the thought of the opera but now it is the hubbub of the bar before hand that I am wary of. I suppose the answer is to arrive as late as possible and minimise that pre waiting time and become that awkward bastard who arrives at the last moment and clambers over half a row of people to get to their seat. Perhaps my Loops will help if they arrive in time.

The evening looms and I look forward to reading and having my ignorance confirmed by Only Connect and University Challenge, interrupted by the Tesco order when it arrives. So far its been a good day without any sign of Uluru (my bladder stone) creating any problems for me, so it’s business as usual, which is of course me and Rocket fight the best we can against the cancer. I think more and more we are edging towards the reckless or at least giving the rower a go again. I can’t go on being this slothful.

Sunday I wake up after a night of Hematuria which abated by the morning. It was probably the prolonged standing the evening before that triggered but having drunk a lot of water during the night I woke to find myself clear of it. A hot water to wake me up in bed and I was ready to go to breakfast. The hotel is is an impressive place and maintains a a subdued ambience to reflect the historical nature of the place, although so new new bits have clearly been built onto the old Abbey complex to make it a viable hotel and events venue. All owned by Coventry council, so they have found themselves a nice little earner.

Breakfast was taken in the conservatory, all iron and glass. You would think that this impressive looking hotel would do a good breakfast but alas it was average. Its sausages skinny and tasteless, its fried eggs inedible, scrambled egg runny and is muesli a very much do it yourself job. I think I am to some degree a snob as the previous evening I had noted the lack of Armagnac on the drinks menu. However the food was welcome as was the quick acknowledgement from the couple we met on table 7 the previous night. The woman apologised if we thought her to be unchatty but she was having trouble with the loud background noise. I immediately breathed a sigh of relief to know I was not the only person that was struggling with it. There was mutual reassurance that we were all in the same boat. After breakfast my partner and I pack, loaded the car and paid the bill before driving home via the local garden centre to pick up food for the evening. Once home I settled on the recliner and opened my Amazon parcel. My two new collections of stories by Italo Calvino had arrived so I am assured of reading material to feed my brain for a while. Of course I’m not sure which to read first but as they are collections of stories I can dip into them at the same time, so I’m looking forward to the adventure of my new books.

Time to catch up on the blog and to unpack before the rugby on TV this afternoon. As it turns out the unpacking doesn’t happen because my Hematuria intervenes and so I resort to co-codamol, which makes me sleepy and not a little spaced out. I watch a rugby match in a distracted but pain free state followed by Sue Perkins discovering Japan. The evening arrives as does tea and then the decision of what to watch on TV tonight.

My evening is pleasingly full of Professor T and offsets my anxieties about how my night will go. In the end I take my night chemo meds and wait a while to see how I feel. I am tempted to take a dose of pain killers to help me through the night. Tomorrow I have a chance to rest and begin to read my new books and try to finish the poem I started to write today.

Its Saturday and I wake to find my partner showering so I down the drink she brought me and then try to get through my getting up rituals. They go okay including acceptable vitals, I even manage to book the Tesco deliver slot for Monday and fill a basket of semi random food stuffs. However the major task of the morning after a toast breakfast is to pack for the night away at Coombe Abbey Hotel where my partner and I are having a murder mystery evening. Murder followed by disco and then we stay over night. I start to look at my wardrobe. My first choice of outfit has a fly button missing so I spend an age locating the spare button and sewing it on only to find out the trousers are too tight. As I go through my trouser collection all of the trousers that I deem “smart ” prove impossible to get into. Even the ironically hideous Rupert Bear golf trousers do not fit. The only things that fit are jeans, hippy pants and joggers, I am so fucking depressed, I’ve turned into a middle class Wayne and Wannetta look alike. The combination of hormone drugs and inability to train has at last made a significant impact. My jackets and blazers I can still get on, but my tits are too big to get them done up. I eventually pack my overnight holdall with a random selection of wearables and decide to travel in jeans and T shirt. The effort of all this has taken its toll so I resort to the sofa and the capture of the moment on the blog. I suppose I will be buying the next waist size up again on my next shopping trip on the net. I pack my traveling office and wonder about a Demis Roussos outfit or a cut down Bell tent. It appears I can get old and infirmed semi gracefully but getting fat enrages me. I suck it up and try to suck it in and promise myself to be sociable for the rest of the day. It seems my blog is not only for family and friends but is cathartic for me too. Lunch calls before the traveling.

The drive to the hotel went really well without hitch. Reception was a bit slow but they had a lot of events going on. The room was resplendent with a canopied bed and period type bathroom. I needed to rest after the drive and order cheese and crackers as a late afternoon nibble. My partner and I passed the time till it was time to get ready for the evening entertainment. I now have a new fashion look. Hippy pants worn under a formal black shirt with Vivienne Westwood cuff links under a sky blue striped blazer with a mid back length plait. It was the only combination of clothes that was anywhere near comfortable.

At the appointed time we went to the venue to find that we has had been misinformed about the time so we sat for awhile in one of the hotel lounges. When it seemed the right time to go we went to the “Courtroom” and were checked in to the bar areas where everyone was drinking and chatting. The noise was horrendous. People in a largish group with drink all determined to have fun conversations become unbearably loud. It was purgatory. The event got under way late so I stood for 45 minutes in this cacophony of humanity from which there was no respite apart from trips to the toilet that was an oasis of quiet. I know now why people wear ear loops.

The actual meal was good, the company on table 7 were very pleasant and the murder mystery itself was entertaining. I got the murderer wrong, it was the wife, who was basically a psychopath who did it for the kicks, revenge and the money. However it was all good fun. Once over I and my partner retreated to our room. I was near spoonless and needed to rest, take my meds and try to get some sleep. I realise how I need to select my treats carefully and how much not being able to exercise has affected me, I am shocked at my decline and realise how difficult it must be for people to be around me, with my need to rest so much, I am aware that I am no fun anymore. I must find new ways to fight, I am so far away from myself. At least this trip has taught me that.

Friday and I wake and laze. I discover I have a huge amount of crap on one of my email addresses so spend ages unsubscribing to a load of sites I do not recognise. My partner brings me hot water to drink and I do my vitals, (still the arithmetic tells me I am healthy) and then change the one remaining bedside clock into Spring time. I get up for breakfast, clearing the kitchen as I go. With breakfast over and all my logs and journals filled in I now fill my drugs wallets for the next two weeks. Its tedious but I guess I owe my good arithmetic to them. The post brings me my pension upgrade information. Thank you the State for the triple lock. I do my budget recalculations and decide that I can weather the current financial climate. I count myself fortunate that past me overcame my dyslexia, studied, worked and saved when I could in order that present me is financially able to survive. I have little time before I am due to go to the chiropodist so make a first stab at drafting the blog.

My chiropodist is a wizard, I always come away with dancing and and happy feet. It is my bi-monthly feelgood fix of pampering. I am now wondering if I should have my nails done as well but wonder if this is taking self indulgence too far. So here I am with my first poetry collection on another platform and I am wondering if I should make another YouTube video to put up on my channel telling people it is there. On reflection I am inclined to wait until the next collection, The Travelling Years, is out there as well. I am aware that this is never going to make me money and I suppose that is the true definition of a Vanity Poet or at least a hobbyist. With that reflected upon I set out to research which other works by Calvino I want to read. My research leads me to order two more of his short stories, so I have new reading to feed me in the future.

The evening arrives and apart from a couple of regular programmes that I watch it is likely that the last two episodes of Nominated Survivor will get watched. Netflix cut the series after series three so I shall move onto the new series of Professor T on ITV-X. I am of course being deliberately sedentary and inactive in order to be able to go on the planned weekend treat of a murder mystery meal and a night away. After the aborted Spar experience I am determined to be good for this treat. As a result I am in “meander” mode till I reach night meds time and then hopefully “dead to the world” mode of sleep.

Thursday and I wake somewhat late and dopey probably because I took co-codamol before going to bed last night. My fit bit shows an unusual sleep pattern where I had multiple deep sleep periods soon after I went to bed. This is not my usual pattern. I am in no rush to get up today, as I am bent on recovering fully from yesterdays 28 day injection and the trip to the hospital. I watch some more Mock the Week on my phone and then decide that I need to find a name for my bladder stone. I considered several. 1, Sisyphus, the chap who rolled a stone uphill for ever, 2, Eric, after the little girls pet stone in the film “What We Did On Our Holiday”, 3, Dwayne, after Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, 4, Watts after the dead Rolling Stone, 5, Bob the bladder stone. I think there may have been others but I finally settled for: drum roll:

Uluru

Uluru? why you ask, because its a rock down under!

With the name decide on I am able to get on with my day, starting with taking my vitals, which of course are all good. Having got up hideously late I make a favourite fried egg sandwich for lunch, down my morning meds and start an afternoon of absolute sloth, but not before clearing the kitchen. I check my new IngramSpark account, which is a global publishing site that I have signed up to in order to go beyond the Amazon site. I see that the Cancer Years: So Far is being processed to be released on several platforms apart from Amazon. I have fantasies of going down big in America, but of course that really is a fantasy, even though America have a history of producing some great poets, I doubt my stuff will dent the American consciousness. Having dined I draft the blog and then settle down to read Marcovaldo by Calvino. I like this collection of short stories about Marcovaldo, as the stories have some neat twists and are short enough to savour like sweets. I should explain that this period of slothdom is condoned and encouraged by my partner as we have a weekend adventure organised some time ago. Its a murder mystery meal and stay at a hotel. I am determined to do what ever it takes to ensure that this happens unlike our aborted attempt to have a Spar break last week. So my sloth is purposeful, like a crocodile I lay still until my prey is in snapping range and then I shall strike and acquire nutrition for time to come. One thing I learnt in America at the crocodile farm we visited was that most people killed or injured by crocodiles is caused by them kicking the crocodile to see if its still alive! Nature has a way of weeding out the thick.

My afternoon was taken up with reading Marcovaldo, which I finish and write a couple of draft poems. The family eat a late tea after which I settle down to watch football and Designated Survivor simultaneously till I take my night meds and go to bed. I have managed to verify my first poetry collection on a new platform, which I hope goes well. I am hoping that today I have saved some spoons towards my planed weekend treat.

Wednesday and I am awake early as this is not only Jab and B12 day but also Urology appointment day. My partner brings me hot water and toast to get me going and then foregoing my usual getting up rituals I shower. The shower is enjoyable but takes longer now that I have long hair, having achieved my ambition to have hair as long as Lucius Malfoy. So, clean and bright of teeth I set off to the GP surgery for my 9:30 appointment. I am not waiting long before I get called in and deliver my injection to the nurse. Its relatively quick but today I get the additional joy of a B12 jab in the let arm. So I walk away with to fluffy cotton wool clouds and a date for 28 days time to do it all again. I walk home collecting a paper on the way.

Once home I take some prophylactic paracetamol and get ready to go to the hospital appointment. I’m not feeling that chipper but I drive to keep my mind off things. I know my way to all the hospitals in the area now and have no need of sat nav any more. A small skill to put on my CV. On arrival my partner sorts out the parking fee and ticket and then we walk to Outpatients 4, which is a bit of a trudge through the hospital. I hand over my letter to the receptionist who tells me to take a seat, which we duly do. Its not long before I need the toilet and to my dismay the walking that I’ve done means I have a bout of Haematuria (pissing blood). My partner gets me some water and we continue to wait until moved to another waiting area. My appointment time comes and goes and my bladder doth protest again only this time I get a sample bottle which the nurse takes. There is still blood visible, this is not fun. Eventually my name gets called and my partner and I go into the consulting room. There we are met by a dapper bloke who asks how I am but he seems to know what he is doing. My sample does not show signs of infection, hurray a positive. We do a bit of the history and he pulls my scan up on the screen, even I cannot miss the big white dot in my bladder, in fact no could. I ask how big it is and the doctor bloke measures it. Two point one centimetres by one point two centimetres. “Oh” I say “is that big?” think to myself “That’s fucking huge”. The doctor bloke says its not huge but likely to cause “irritation.” Irritation! If what I’ve been suffering is an “irritation” I really would not want to suffer his idea of pain. We talk options. The bottom line is an operation and guess what it means a night in hospital, an anaesthetic, and the inevitable medical tool up my dick to, and I quote “smash the stone”. He puts me on the waiting list, says its going to be a while and that he does not do private work and to ring the Spires. He fills in an outcome sheet to take back to reception and bids us good bye. I leave, hand in my form and my partner and I go for a sandwich and drink in the hospital café.

I drive us home and get back to the sofa and attend to my life admin. There is an email from my cousin in Scotland who provides me with information for the family tree about his brother, my other cousin. I am taken aback to learn that he died in May 2021. I never knew and I take it as a sign of just how uncommunicative my sister was about what she knew about the Scottish branch of the family. I update the family tree and then settle down to start drafting the blog. My morning jab start to get sore as it usually does. I suspect that by the middle of the evening I will start experiencing the usual shaky response to the injection. All I can do is take pain killers and ride it out for the next 24 or 48 hours. I am tempted to give the co-codamol ago. So this is how I slide into the evening with football, reading and TV on the menu. It seems to me that I am entering a phase of cruise control and pain avoidance. I am not comfortable with that but I just need to hold on in there to see what happens. I will of course ring the local private hospital up to see if they can accommodate me any quicker but beyond that I have to sit tight. It feels like its been a long day but an informative one. Ultimately it will be night meds and bed for me and my two by one. I’m sure I will soon have a name for my stone.

Tuesday and I am making the effort to draft the blog earlier in the day to avoid the tired and truncated blogs of the last few days. It must look like I am quitting or cannot be bothered but the truth is that by the end of the evening I am generally knackered and that is not the best time to write a blog. So today I am trying to pace myself and to be kind to myself for tomorrow could be a spoon heavy day. Tomorrow I go for my Easter 28 day injection early morning and then hot foot it to the hospital for my Urology appointment to have my bladder stone assessed. It will be a preliminary session where the doctor will go over my reports and ask me how I am and all the usual diagnostic hocus pocus. I am hoping he has read the now infamous scan report from 2023 that initially found the stone, reported it and had the “onco boys and girls” ignore it and tell me that my Haematuria (blood in the piss) was related to my cancer rather than the possibility it is related to a football sized stone in my bladder. So I expect them to discus options with me about ways forward. I know where this is going, basically it will be some sort of contraption down my penis and a smashing time, leaving me to piss out the bits. It does not sound a recipe for joy but if it means no more Haematuria and I can get back to being able to go for walks and training then it will be worth it. I only hope they do it under anaesthetic, I’ve had enough knob handling to last me a life time.

Any way this bright and sunny Tuesday I do not get up till late morning having indulged in watching a prolonged YouTube of Mock the Weeks, Unlikely Things to Hear at…. It makes me smile and laugh and relaxes me. I am in awe of how quick and witty the participants area and envy them this. I guess that is why they are stand up comics. My vitals get done and of course they are normal. Once up, I clear the kitchen and make myself a late breakfast and read the letter from a friend that has arrived in the post. It is a never ending source of pleasure to find a letter in the porch. It is ironic that only yesterday did I post a letter to her. So here I am drafting the blog in a more chipper state than the last few days. It feels like it could be a good day and I may try and prod the Americans about my next collection. It is also good because my son starts a new job in Sweden at the Stockholm Opera House. So this is a good day so far and one I need before tomorrows rigours. I must not get ahead of myself. A pleasant afternoon in the Shed will do right now.

Before I can get to the Shed a new book from a friend arrives, which I open eagerly. It is a new author to me so I am excited. It is a book of short stories about one man, so I am looking forward to reading it.

I make it to the Shed and settle in to write a letter. It is a while since I was here and it feels good to be back at my table top writing to a friend. My candles are lit, my wax cauldron melting nicely and the garden sounds surround me. I write and seal my letter and then close up the Shed as I return to the house. There is a gentle walk over to the post office to send my letter on its way and while there I pick up a paper. Once home there are things to do like running off the new waste collection time table for the coming year and paying the fee for the garden waste to be collected. I put the bin out and then read some of the short stories in the newly arrived book. What came next was a real blow, on going to the toilet I find my haematuria is back and there is blood. Instantly I start to drink a lot of water. Tea follows and I return to the blog. It was all going so well and now there is this step back. It doesn’t look like tomorrow is going to be easy. I feel grim and withdraw back into myself, so its back to the fight and the grind. Tonight will be meds, pain killers and bed. What started well is ending not so good, bugger.

Monday, April Fool’s day, so its a go careful day. Now its night and I am desperately tired. I’ve done little apart from write a letter and cook a meal. Apart from that I managed a walk around the village and post the letter. Tesco turned up late and prompted some provision squirreling. Now full of night meds I go to bed in the hope of a nights sleep. I’ve not had a single worthwhile thought all day, no ideas and no poetic inspiration. I hope tomorrow is a lot less pedestrian.

Saturday and I wake late as does my partner. We spend time talking before getting up late, both of us need the time to rest and reflect. I get up and take my meds including the last of my antibiotics so I am hoping that I remain pain free and infection free. My partner and I go for hot chocolate and bacon rolls and other goodies at our local garden centre. We talk about what our options are to create more spaces at home and whether there is an opportunity to continue to develop the garden once our April/May. Once home I settle down to continue to read my Stephen King book The Eyes of the Dragon , while my partner and eldest daughter go off to see Wicked Little Letters. Thus the day passes. In the evening there is more Designated Survivor to watch and finally to take my meds and go to bed. Its been another slow and resting day. It is not a life of excitement but it is one of marking time till I get to see the Urologist next week. Its all about trying to conserve my energy and to give my body as much chance as possible recover. Underlying it all the battle against the prostate cancer goes on, this last week has added the complication of stones in the bladder, I suspect this is not an uncommon complication.

Easter Sunday and of course the clocks have leapt forward an hour so I wake with nine thirty on one wrist and ten thirty on the other. Its a reminder of how parts of my environment alters itself and does not need me. So breakfast is more like brunch and the weekly call to see the new grandson takes place a bit later. As usual he is a delight and has discovered the wonders of Weetabix. A big step forward for a small person. I catch up with my crosswords and then I settle down to read my current novel for a good while. Three o’clock comes around and I watch the women’s league cup final. I go back to my book at the end of the game and then draft the blog. My evening stretches before me and my plan is to continue reading, resting and doing the odd practical things like finalising the Tesco order for tomorrow. In the end I forget the Tesco order but I do finish reading my book, take my meds and go to bed.

Friday, starts with a long chat with my partner before we go out for hot chocolate and bacon sandwiches. An afternoon of reading follows. The evening is rugby and television. This has been a slow day of reflection and small practical things. Night meds and then bed. Sometimes that’s all it can be.