DVT DAY 326

Thursday, a work day so I am up on time and ready for my first meeting of the day. As I have a quick bacon breakfast I am presented with two real letters from an early post delivery. No time to read them before the first meeting. The meeting with colleagues was stimulating and interesting with the future posing some new challenges. So once the meeting is over I get to settle down with a coffee and read my letters. They were both very welcome, one from a regular correspondent and one a surprise from a friend of my partner with whom we used to dine. A good way to spend the lunchtime, I shall return to them tonight once I have written the blog and have a moment to myself.

A smoothie lunch and I host an Open Forum for service managers. It is a difficult session. There is a growing sense of “grind”. One of the crucial issues appears to be the way the normal signals of hope like future holidays and celebrations are now no longer viable. People are having the things they look forward to as the times they recharge and recover are being taken from them, so every one is “grinding ” without the hope of relief in the usual things they look forward to. This is a major change for many people and seems to be corrosive.

By the end of the session we were collectively gloomy, thankfully one of those contributing told us a joke to cheer us up. Here is what pulled us from the gloom.

“A bear walks into a bar, looks at the barman and says “Can I have a rum and ………………………………………….coke. The barman looks at the bear and says “why such big pause? The bear says, ” I was born that way”

A new lamp arrives, which I put together and get working. Its identical to another lamp we aquired recently. The problem is they both have the same controler so there is chaos trying to get them working to thier own controller or to get both of them workign to one controller. I have still not cracked it, but will in future. Once I’ve got them both lit and the same colour Ieave them on and get changed to train. Today is a rowing day so I head for the garage wondering how I am going to be after my day of injections yesterday. As it turns out it was okay.

Post session I settle down for a drink adn take a call from a friend who is now locked down with her family and juggling work and family commitments. We talk about how difficult it is to keep ones strength going in the face of a continuing situation that continues to become more complex for individuals and families. Finding ways to keep feeling capable and able to maintian a reasonable amount of control over the things that matter to the family. I miss the opportunities to have long and rambling conversations, I guess that’s another one of those things that have got lost and add to the “grind”.

I clear the kitchen and begin to put away the vegatabe delivery before changing out of my training kit and settling on the sofa. I realise I have lost my seal ring. I start to search but have no joy, my partner joins in the hunt. Finally I fish the vegatable bags out of the bin and find my ring in the folds of one of the bags. I am much relieved. We eat tuna pasta ansd my partner disappears for her singing lesson while I watch football until “Death in Paradise” is on TV. Once the killer is uncovered its time to check what the outcome was of the football I was watching and to write the blog.

DVT DAY 325

So Wednesday rolls around and I get up and get into my training gear to have breakfast in as its an early training day due ot my other activities later in the day. So I get over breakfast and check my emails. I check my work diary and then head for the shed to train for an hour on the bike.

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As I leave the shed I notice a brave spring soldier on the shed and take a picture that tells me Spring is not that far off.

I return to the house and run a bath. While waiting for it to fill and swallow up a bath bomb I open my Amazon parcels and find my new phone case, a rather fetching rose gold case to match the phone.

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Post bath and I eat lunch, it will be the last thing I eat before going for my scan later. I keep myself occupied until it’s time to go for my COVID jab. I go to the car and try to put the post code into the sat nav but find the sat nav will not accept it. I drive off relying on my memory of the map I looked at yesterday. My faith in myself was well founded as I found the GP surgery in the next village down the road without any problem. I queued, signed my consent form while in the queue and then bared my arm when requested to. It did not take long at all. I end up with a cloud on my arm and a card to say what I have had.

I do as I am told and sit in the car before driving home. I was supposed to wait 15 minutes but got bored after 7 minutes and drove home. Once home I drink coffee and wait to see if I am going to get any side effects. Before I know it its time to drive to the hospital to have my CT scan. I get there and to my delight find there are no parking charges. The multi storey is almost empty and I barely met a soul on the way to th x-ray department.

I get to X-ray reception to find a phone and a notice asking me to ring an extension number. A sort of do it yourself reception. I ring and get directed to CT3 and told to wait. A nurse comes out and takes me into the clincial room having checked my paper work. “Which arm do you want the canula in? she asked. It was at this point I remember this bit of the CT scan, another needle.

So canula in the arm I am given two cups of water to drink and I am then collected and taken into the scan room. I lie down and a very friendly operator reminds me that the stuff about to be pumped into my arm will make me feel like I have wet myself. Oh goody something else that I forgot, another joy. So I lay on the machine and hold my breathe when told to and listen to the machine whirr and click. Its over quickly and I’m released to go and wait for them to check the images and take the canula out of my arm.

Canula out I drive home and spend my evening eating and waiting for side effects. I write the blog and get ready for the night ahead. Tomorrow I am back at work with meetings and an open forum to host. So far so good.

DVT 324

Tuesday, and its late, so this will be short. Breakfast followed by a really good meeting with a service. Its so nice to come across a group of managers who gueninely co-operate and are open to ideas and conversation.

I then check the cars and take mine to the garage to refuel and check the tyres for my journeys tomorrow. Journey one is to get my vaccine jab mid afternoon. Journey two will be to the hospital to get my CT scan done at 6:25. With the job done I have a bacon lunch and then listen to some Eioaudio, which then prompted me to watch YouTube videos of people finding and playing on public pianos, most at St Pancras station.

I finally get myself together to train. I change and head for the garage. The coldest yet.

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I retreat to the house and tidy the kitchen before an evening of football and TV. I really need to break this part of my day and do something different before I become just another TV moron. Of course it comes to blog writing time and I am tired and entering a grouchy phase. I think tomorrow is weighing on my mind more than I acknowledge. Its not the jab or the scan but the entering the COVIDverse of infected carbon based units who might infect me. Still on the up side I get to wear one of those lovely hospital gowns.

DBT 323

Another Monday rolls round and I wake up to find the rest of the household already at work. A simple breakfast of muesli and coffee accompanied by my daily drugs. I check my mail and set myself for the day. A quick call to the GP surgery books my next 28 day injection for next Monday and my pre oncologist blood test. I review what I wrote yesterday and settle on writing a letter during the morning. The snow is still hanging around so I decide to clear our path and drive way so that the Tesco person will be able to deliver this afternoon with out the the risk of an icy path. So I take a quick trip to the post box, move a car off the drive and then get to work with my snow shovel and broom. I sweaty few minutes and the path is clear. Its time for a smoothie as I need to get into the shed to train before Tesco person arrives. So I get into my training kit and make for the shed.

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I am impressed with me, a new personal best. 22.12 kilometres in the hour, this is good and my body knows it. I get back to the house and shower. I note my urine is dark and put it down to dehydration due to the exercise but I will monitor it over the next 24 hours.

I tidy the kitchen and as I am clearing away the washing up Tesco person arrives, rings the door bell. My daughter and I go to the door and find the twat has emptied the trays into the porch. Usually we take the delivery trays off the delivery person and empty them in the kitchen and return the empty trays. This mindless arsehole has dumped the lot in the porch because he thinks its faster and he can just piss off. My daughterr and I retreive our groceries and store them away. So I finally get to have my post training tomato soup.

By the time the household stops work and “comes home” it is dark and its time to move the car back onto the drive. A friend calls and we chat about COVID and the continuing draining effect that it has on everyone.

The family eat tea and I binge on football and NCIS at the same time as chatting with a friend about the difficulty hunting down some information on care homes. The frustration of not finding an email address for the registered manager is annoying but there will be other ways.

Finally its time to write the blog. This feels like the calm before the storm as I edge closer to my next oncologist appointment. But first there is a scan and a blood test to do this week in preparation. This is a time of anniversaries of ghosts I would rather forget but they are not so easily put aside, they are just part of the history of the ongoing process.

DVT DAY 322

Sunday the anniversary of mine and my partners Civil Partnerships. The day starts with coffee and chat and moves onto breakfast but only after I have weighed myself in.

92. 3 Kilos

Another reduction in flab, good news, I have earned my rest day and my Sunday treat at the evening meal. We sit to breakfast and despite conversations about not doing gifts my partner bushwacks me with a romantically folded book and a large Panetone. It will be my weekend treat at dinner. We do face time with my youngest daughter as the snow falls heavily, well heavily for Leicester. In a moment of curiosity I swapped the rug in the lounge for a larger one we had in store. The effect is universally approved and we decide to stay with the change.

The rest of the day is a gluttony of football where I watch my team beaten and my preferences dashed. As the snow fell around my dissapointment I became reckless and turned to crisps. At the end of the afternoon I prepare a chicken one pot with red wine stock and a hint of cayenne.

The evening meal goes well and I finnish off with the surprise panetone. The rest of the evenning is David Attenborough followed by TV dross that frees me to write the blog. Tomorrow I have work to do and a training routine to get back to, with its the challenges of rejecting the sweet things I like but that feed my cancer. I find survival is based on denial and physical discipline. The mental side is easy, its what I instruct myself to do and on what I hold my word on. And of course doing what the Pixies tell me to.

I shall end this day with a restorative bath full of bath bomb bliss. Tomorrow my head will be clear and my senses keen to see and hear a new day.

DVT DAY 321

Saturday and as usual its a lay in and warm drinks in bed while we chat about the week and the weekend to come. This takes quite a while today with the outcome that we eat breakfast at 11:30. It then becomes a day of chores; hoovering, cleaning, laundry, drying, and recycling. In the middle of this activity Amazon deliver my car cleaning bucket and combined shampoo and wax. The plan was to “do the cars” today but as the delivery coincides with snow the plan goes on hold. By mid afternoon I am ready to go and train. It is my last session of the week and I find I am already anxious about Sudays’s weigh in. I find the temprature in the garage at its lowest this year so far. I get to my seesion as quickly as possible.

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I change out of my training gear and start the evening meal. I’ve chosen a dish that takes two and a half hours in the oven so that I can watch one of the football matches on TV. All goes to plan. As the cup underdogs go down bravely my dish comes to its exact moment of readiness. So tea goes down well and we setttle down to an evening of foldign laundry, watching TV and writing the blog. Tomorrow brings my moment of truth and if the weather forcaste be believed, snow.

DVT DAY 320

Friday a day to write a paper for EE. However before I get on with that I need to shake off the after effects of some really nsty nightmares. They were full of Kaffka like hotels and my not being able to find people. I woke up disorientated and fragmented. In order to recover I fire up the appetite with a bacon breakfast washed down with coffee. I park my arse on the sofa at 9 o’clock and lift it up again 4500 words later at 1 o’clock. Thats my morning gone. I make a lunch time smoothie and take a breather.

I make plans for the week end and order car shampoo and polish for the cars.They need some TLC to help them through the winter but I note there is sleet and snow on the way so its a race between the weather and Mr Amazon. Time to get ready for training, its a shed and bike day. On the way to the shed I take pictures of the gifts my garden is still giving me.

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I get in the shed and get down to the business of pedaling away the flab.

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I am through the session and retreat to the house and an early bath. I use my last bath bomb, confident that the my Lush delivery wil turn up soon. It’s a real pleasure to just laze in comfort and listen to whatever I please. Nothing intellectual today as its Friday and time for Serious Jockin (no g). By the time I was crinckled and ready to re-enter the world Boris was telling the world what crap it was in again. There I was smelling good and feeling well exercised with Boris the dog of doom drawling death all over the place, there was only one possible response to thius, I order take away Indian for the family. A friend rings and we chat for a while about how we are coping with lockdown and the way we plan our survival strategies. I return to the lounge to find TV still on as we wait for the meal to arrive. I start the blog. This evening who knows what will happen, but if the Indian doesn’t arrive soon I shall get decidedly grouchy.

The Indian arrives just as the snow starts to fall, so my hunger gets fed but my plans for cleaning the cars tomorrow look like they are doomed. Thankfully my training session tomorrow is in the garage.

DVT DAY 309

Thursday and a busy day, so a quick breakfast of meusli and coffee. Then its on to meeting preparation and checking my mail for admin to do. First meeting of the day is fairly rouitne and nothing challenging. The morning gone I start lunch during which I get a phone call. I am a winner, I have COVID jab dates. So next Wednesday I have the double delights of being jabbed and scaned. Now thats going to be an interesting days. I shall be the envy of my friends, the only man in the road with a jab.

So having adjusted my diary I move onto my Open Forum session where I talk and listen to service manager and how they are manageing the challenges of COVID. At the end I have the usual debrief chat with my co- host and then move on. I have house chores to do and get through them quickly so I can go and train. Its a rower day so I head for the garage.

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Post session I take a bit of time out to consider the thorny issue of what to do on my civil partnersip anniversary on Sunday. I did not come up with any brillant ideas, yet. Tea, my favourite, tuna pasta, and then I clear the kitchen while my partner has her weekly singing lesson over the net. The goal is to get to Murder in Paradise with everything done including putting a fresh loaf into bake and the blog started.

I guess that right now its one of those times when nothing exciting is going on. In my world my “look forward ” moments are waiting for the large size finger picks I’ve ordered so I can learn the banjo. My other future joy is the box of bath bombs I have order for myself. Its a luxury I am growing more and more to like. I suppose at a casual glance it looks like life is normal and comfortable but the carbohydrate/sugarless diet and the exercise is all part of the battle with cancer, its a mundane everyday routine that is like taking medicine. Routine, repatative but hopefully restorative. With the scans being done and the blood test to come I will know at the start of February whether all this routine effort is having any effect. There are times I would kill for something sugary, mars bar ice cream top of the list.

DVT DAY 318

Wednesday; Ooops its 10:20 and I’ve over slept. Not a crisis, just a bit of a surprise. I get up and cook myself a bacon breakfast, wash it down with coffee and drugs and set about doing some work. I listen to the recording of the debate I was part of and then write a section on the discussants contribtion for the paper that a colleague and I are writing. This hopefully will complete the paper and we can send it off to a journal. Feeling pleased with myself I then log on to the Governement tax site and actually pay the tax due on my self assessment. I am poorer but secure in the knowledge that I am out of debt and do not owe anything to anyone finacially.

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A colleague calls and we talk about our contacts with the services we are working with. We both have a long history with the criminal justice system so we have an interest in how the system we worked for is coping with COVID. I think we are both relieved that we are not having to face the current challenges. I am saved from the wet and windy elements by my partner and eldest daughter who bring the emptied recycleing bins in from the road. A pre training smoothie and I get ready to make the trip to the shed to train for an hour. While I clamber into my track suit a friend calls and we chat and compare notes on how we are coping with the current situation. It is always good to hear how others are coping with their real worlds at this demanding time. At the end of the call I head to the shed and the waiting exercise bike.

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Back in the house I change and settle on the sofa and watch some football, eat tea and watch the first episode of Bay, after which I write the blog. It feels like a strange day, the rain is unremmiting and it looks set to continue. The news tells me more people than ever died of COVID in the last 24 hours and that people are facing flooding in some places. Nature just grinds away in its impersonal way, without interest in humanity and just continues to do its own thing. It makes me think that making meaning of this life with those around me even more important.

DVT DAY 317

Tuesday and I have letters to finish. ( I notice the spell check on the blog is not working again. Everytime there is a software change the spell check goes). Anyway its time for muesli and coffee. So I retreat to the sofa today to finish my letter which turns into three letters. It seems that once I get going I have a compulsion to continue writing. By lunchtime I am ready to hand over my mail to my partner and daughter to post on their midday walk. I get on with the tricky business of changeing the door seal on the cooker. I spend a useful five minutes watching a video on how to do it and then get myself ready for the operation. Not only do I change the seal but also tighten up the door cover. Mission successful.

I am on a roll and so I get the recycle bins out and take the car to the garage to fill with petrol and check the tyres. We can now go anywhere at the drop of a good excuse for an essential journey. I am still on a roll and sort out some finance stuff and write a brief note. I take myself to the post office and get proof of posting. So that was all very productive but its time to get myself into the garage for a rowing session, which is what I do.

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Ya go me, thats a personal best, I am back to being able to do more than 6 kilometres in 30 minutes. Given I am doing the sessions in a track suit and three layers in a garage that was 6 degrees I reckon I can do better than that in time to come, I might add another 500 metres to that distance as the temprature goes up and I get fitter. The real aim is to hit my first weight target by the time I see the oncologist at the start of February. If I do that I will have achieved my first goal for the year.

I am out of my training gear and ready for the evening meal and some fooball. I find my new banjo dvd and book has arrived. Apparently I am going to be playing tunes in no time at all. Well I am up for that but I think the authors may have over estimated my abilities. I get the basics in my head its my hands that seem to have a seperate mind that wants to do something else. All of that goes along with no sense of rythm. I note that it is possible to buy jars of ear plugs, which maybe a compassionate gift for my family.

Football ends, which I’ve not really watched. The more I watch it the more I find my interest in ice hockey growing. I write the blog and plan tomorrow. I need to do some real work tomorrow and write some of the papers that I have started. These days of COVID are thought provoking days, after seeing todays figures and the work that is being done I feel I am not doing enough or not being useful. It is something that frustrates me, this being confined and being seen as vulnerable and therefore redundant, its a feeling I dislike. There are perhaps things I can return to offering, its a thought that requires some thinking time.