DVT DAY 274

Injection Monday. I hate it. Standing at the back door (lepergate) of the GP surgery waiting to be let in by the nurse. Its cold, I am cold. I get in and realise that this is a Right Monday, the side that is the worse of the two. So I expose my midriff and in she plunges, slowly because there is a lot of it and its quite viscous. The initial lancing is okay but there is a burning sharp pain as the drugs gets pushed into me. I’m in no mood for small talk and get out noting that it si the 4th of January for the next one coupled with a B12 jab. I drive home determined to be okay.

The decorators arrive and we discuss brief details like which toilet they are going to use, so posh to have two but provides some social distancing. They agree to touch up the paint in the office as we have put down new carpet adn exposed more skirting board. We have breakfast and I skit about putting some things back and generally pottering. I stick feet to the bases of my youngest daughters swimming trophies so they do not scratch the new paint. My partner and daughter go to feed the ducks, I stay to cyber potter some dates. I also workout how a milk foam maker works and give it its initial first run with water to it. The postman arrives as they return adn there is our first Christmas card adn as sods’s law would have it is from someone who I did not have an address for. The card inequality is quickly remedied. I’m begging to feel the injection after effects, coldness and trembling like a two bit junky. I eat a Florentine and then I find a parcel addressed to the pixies c/o me. Anyone who knows me knows that my brain is run by pixies with whom I regularly chat to and observer. As they have never had a parcel before they are very exited. I open it and find a Christmas tree bauble adorned with a toucan. The pixies immediately want a tree to hang it on but are disappointed when I point out that the decorators are in the room where the tree goes. The pixies march off with brushes in their hands. The parcel is safely stored.

I WhatsApp my friend who sent it to tell her the pixies are delighted. My sister rings to find out how my partners mother is and sends her love. My partners mother is doing okay given she is 92 and in hospital with a broken leg that’s been pined. Lots of anxieties but we have to wait for the medical team to assess her and work out an after care plan. It going to take time and all we can do is keep calm, deal with one thing at a time adn not get ahead of ourselves.

By now I am feeling decidedly crap, cold and shaky so I retreat up stairs to the back bedroom and try to relax. I watch Citizen Kane. I wonder if I will have an enigmatic last word which will sum up the root of my life style and being. Rosebud was Kane’s last word. Revealed to be the name on the sled which was torn from him as his mother sold him to a rich and powerful man with vested interests in the fortune he had inherited. In effect it is probably the most powerful depiction of a transitional object. At the moment I would choose Heartbeat. Who would not want more?

I am really feeling off now and I go to eat without any real desire to eat, which is a shame as my partner has made the effort amidst the partial chaos of the downstairs of the house. I return to the back bedroom to rest and watch a German football match to occupy my self and distract myself. It ends and I write the blog knowing that my side of the bed is being warmed by the electric blanket. Its likely to be a torrid night as a man prone to hot flushes but is shaking like a junky is going to try to get right kind of warmth. Tomorrow is the worst day usually so I may do nothing. Right night time drugs to take and its off to bed for me. See you on the other side.

DVT DAYS 272 & 273

Its a birthday Saturday so its coffee in bed before presents and some pottering which includes a trip to Wickes to pick up a new curtain rail. While there we ponder carpet tiles in blue. Back home we measure up the office and decide to go for it. So while my partner chats to a friend on the door step I dash back to pickup underlay, carpet tiles and double sided tape. Back home and we put up the new curtain rail and curtains, so the second bedroom is getting close to being finished.

Time to cook a birthday tea and of course indulge in a Bettys triple chocolate birthday cake.

So after cake and bubbles we set up the virtual panic room and set about our CSI Christmas challenge. Which elf did steal the good adn naughty list from Santa? For three hours we set about solving the clues. Me and my partner with our eldest daughter working away whist our youngest daughter and boyfriend on the end of a WhatsApp call logged into the same panic room and solving the clues along with us. So a good fun evening. At the end of the evening I take the time to read a letter from someone my partner and I occasionally go for a meal with. A very generous letter and one that prompts me to pay attention to my training adn health again. I shall reply soon.

Sunday I am up early and ripping up carpet out of the office and laying underlay.

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My partner goes to collect clothes and comforts for her mum who is in hospital recovering from an operation to pin her broken leg. I press on and start laying the carpet tiles. With the aid of a variety of improvised tools and a tailors chalk I get to grips with acquiring the required skills. It goes reasonably well until its time to watch England play France in the final of the rugby autumn cup. At half time I cut the last three strips of carpet to go in and then watch England struggle to win in extra time. Back to the office where I hoover the carpet and begin to put some of the equipment back.

Time to put the tools away while my partner and eldest daughter start to clear the lounge for the decorator in the morning. Time for tea and to watch His Dark Materials. I laze in the bath to ease the ache from a day of being on my knees and get myself ready for my 28 day injection tomorrow morning. Its that time of month again and if if goes like the last few I’m going to feel crap for a couple of days. I’m beginning to just want to get to Christmas and be in the newly decorated house in the warm.

DVT DAY 271

Friday, its 8:30, crap the decorators will be here any moment. Three frantic people dress chaotically and get down stairs to the kitchen before the decorators do arrive. Our first chore is to find a small shop in Kirby Mallory which is our closest DPD pick up point so that we can return some wallpapers. The post code took us to Kirby Mallory race track. A friendly dog walker put us right and we eventually found a tiny local sparse shop. Mission accomplished we start out on our main mission. Fresh food. The morning really begins when my partner and I set off to visit the local farms shops to stock up with fresh milk, butter and cheese. Excellent stuff. The next farm shop produces meat and we filled out bag with fresh flesh, which will see us through the weekend. Bizarrely our next port of call was the garden centre which houses a butcher who makes really good pies and a newly acquired mini branch of Sainsburys. Ladened with pies and rubber gloves we return home.

What followed was a mixture of curtain and blind sourcing interspersed with some baking. All this against the background of the decorator wrestling a new bath surround into place. It was clearly not an easy job judging by the banging and muttering that was going on. By two o’clock I am mixing ingredients to make Florentines. I add 50 grams of crystallized ginger to my mix to give them a bit of bite. I pop them in the oven and take a call while I watch then magically spread. I cut the call short to pull the Florentines before they burn and get them where they can cool and solidify. I resume the call and chat ordinary stuff. I clear the kitchen and realise that the noises from the bathroom, have ceased and there are now sounds of clearing up and the preparation to leave. I dip the Florentines in chocolate and realise I have chocolate over and create a giant chocolate button.

The decorator leaves and of course we go to see how the bathroom looks. We are pleased, no more rotting wood but shiny reflective surfaces that are light. The bathroom looks renewed and a pleasure to be in.

In celebration we measure up the window in the office and order a blind to finish the room off. Gradually the feeling that the house is coming together grows, which is reinforced when the new curtains for the second bedroom arrives. With a little effort over the weekend the top floor can be reclaimed.

The evening arrives and we a eat dinner made from the days foraging and watch Captain Fantastic. What a surprise and lovely film it turned out to be. I realise just what an opportunity home schooling could be. I also wonder how I missed the opportunity to give my children hunting knives before puberty struck.

It is followed by Have I Got News for You. I write the blog and wait for my partner to go to bed so that I can prepare fro her birthday tomorrow.

DVT DAY 270

Its Thursday and once again I get up before the decorators arise. A quick dish of cereals and coffee and I start to get ready for my morning meetings. I move myself into the newly decorated back bedroom for some privacy. So I set myself up amidst the boxes of stuff waiting to be out back in place. The meeting is straight forward with planning for future meetings to come and some division of work related to that. There is also the bits of gossip that make the world go round and of course we talk about the effect of the new COVID vaccine. For us as a team it might allow us to get back to actually making visits to the services we work with. A final comment about tonight’s football and we push the button to say farewell.

I do not have much of a break before I am back online to host an open forum for a group of managers. My co-host has a bad back and really just wants to lay down. The forum is full of issues and things to note, so I try to facilitate sensitively while scribbling notes. At the end of the hour my co host goes off to lay down and I go to the kitchen to find freshly baked cheese scones. That’s lunch sorted.

I busy myself sorting out my weekly laundry and once underway get a loaf underway as well. There are chores of tidying to do as the decorators crack on doing the office. My partner ring the hospital to find out how her mother is. The nurse says she is out of bed with the physiotherapist and is okay, and with a think you and goodbye ends the call. Later on my partners mother rings and confirms she is up and okay.

We potter and find ourselves playing chess as everyone in the household is now on leave and finding ways to entertain themselves as our planned long weekend as a family in a cottage has been cancelled. The decorators leave and we reclaim the house. So its time for dinner and an evening of football for me as I finish my laundry and turn out the fresh loaf. Tomorrow beckons and the promise of new bath panels being fitted to complete the upgrade of the bathroom. There will be more moving of “stuff” around to clear the lounge ready for redecoration so we need to normalise as many of our spaces as possible.

DVT DAY 269

Wednesday, up and wondering how my partners mother is. Its breakfast and I get started on the work I need to do. The decorators arrive and crack on as the rest of the household go about their work. All is going well until my partner appears in distress. A vey difficult conversation with her mother. We work through it and try to get on with things. There is a walk to be had, new curtains to buy and work to be tidied up before we all stop for the next 5 days. We were going away fro my partners birthday but due to being in Tier 3 that’s no longer happening so we have five days to fill while the decorators continue their work. We chat with them and agree colours and conform the plan. By he time they leave it is dark and we start to gear down for a long weekend. There is some rare relief as photos appear on social media of my nephews wedding. Two young hopefuls flanked by three black masked people, it looks strange and vaguely like a secret meeting of a cult. We of course sent flowers and bubbly, but due to my dyslexia self I manage to send them labelled Mr & Mr. Thankfully it is taken in good heart and I wish them a good blokes night out. All the more ironic as one of the Mr is several months pregnant.

We sit down to tea and the phone rings, its my partners mother ringing from hospital telling us she is okay and back on the ward after her operation to pin her broken leg. Tough is my partner’s mother, she plays hard ball. Relief all round.

I start to clear the office ready to be decorated tomorrow. Takes a while to clear everything out adn when I am done I clear the kitchen. I return to the lounge and find my family have finished the chocolate orange. I’m irked but remember that everything is communication, so I guess I know where I stand.

My evening continues with football, boxing until the family go to bed and I have space and inclination to write the blog.

DVT DAY 268

Tuesday and its time to get up. As soon as I realise that the decorators are not due till 9.30 I’m in the shower like a rat up a drain pipe. Such pleasure to have a morning shower in the newly decorated bathroom. So smelling fresh and feeling better today than I have been I make breakfast and check my messages. One of them brings me relief as it confirms my order for a Christmas present has been confirmed but will take longer than anticipated to be made. It might be a tight call for Christmas but there is nothing I can do about that. A friend calls and we talk about presents and general day to day stuff, which is a lift for the day. Just after she sends me a link to a genius idea for a family present. Its good to talk.

I begin to prepare for my morning meeting, checking that I have an agenda and know what I want to discuss and have the facts at hand. The decorators arrive and set to work as the rest of the household settle into their work days. My meeting gets delayed by 15 minutes so I get an extra coffee. I am just about to dial into my meeting and my oncologist rings. 45 minutes early. Last time he was 30 minutes late. Clearly has no idea of boundary issues or that other people, especially cancer patients, have other things to do adn timetables to keep. Any way he tells me what is in my blood test results. I do not indicate that I have seen them, dumbness is appreciated by the medical profession, it reinforces their mystical status and guru potential. Any way he tells me my PSA is up by 0.14, but my bloods and bone indicators are all good. Crucially I manage to tell him that I’ve been suffering increased back ache/pain over the last couple of months and I am wondering if my tumours are growing and the cancer in my spine is spreading. He immediately is reasonable and suggests that as it is almost a year since I ended chemotherapy he would order new scans for me so that the results can be available for an appointment in January. This is exactly what I wanted, in fact I thought I would have to wait until the January/February appointment for him to offer scans. So I’ve got a result. Just goes to show playing dumb can profit you sometimes. He checked I knew how to contact the McMillan nurses and said cheerio. I did not even have time to wish him merry Christmas.

I dial into my meeting and have a productive one coming away with an interesting paper to write. This is going to keep me out of trouble for a while and give me something to focus on. I have time for a bacon bagel and then its time to dial into the lecture on personality disorder being given by an old colleague of mine. I get about half way through when my partner comes in and tells me her mother has had another fall. She leaves with our daughter to go over to her mothers where she will meet her brother. I finish the lecture and set about clearing the kitchen, putting out the bins and making a curry to go in the oven to cook slowly so that there is a meal to come back to. The decorators leave saying there is just two more hours work in the back bedroom to finish it. I go and have a look at the wall paper, always a tricky moment, but this time it turns out well.

My partner and daughter return having seen her leave for A&E in the ambulance. We eat and wait. I watch football and my partner monitors her phone and tablet. Football ends and we get a message that my partners mother is still in A&E but maybe on the list to be admitted. So I write the blog and we both wait. I guess we will wait and wait till we get more information. If she is admitted we will have to plan and adapt accordingly as the days go on. Its going to be a time to juggle a lot but we will manage it between us.

We hear, its a broken femur down by the knee. She has decided to have an operation rather than prolonged traction. Today or tomorrow will be the operation. We will wait, whilst tomorrow one of my nephews gets married. Life is full at the moment.

DVT DAY 267

Monday not my favourite day but I get up before the decorators arrive and enjoy a bowl of muesli, honey and yogurt. The decorators arrive like elves and I scuttle off to the shed and spend the morning writing letters. By lunchtime I’m finally warm and ready for a walk. So the family take to the street for a lunchtime walk and to explore the jitties of the village. On the way I buy stamps for my seasonal cards and post my morning letters. Back to the house for a scrambled egg lunch before putting stamps on my card and returning to the shed to write another letter and to spend time working on my latest jewellery project. Its going slowly and when I try it out it becomes clear that I still have work to do on it. It progresses by rough approximations and will either reach a point of bearable abandonment (finish) or it will break and be discarded. It gets dark quickly and I retreat to the house and take my cards and letter to the post office. The post box is crammed full so I hand my pile to the post office staff to put into there collection bags. I get home and find the new curtain runners have arrived so I get myself up to the bedroom and sort out the final curtain. I’m still really pleased with how the room has come together. After that I get to sorting out the bathroom that now has its new mirror cabinet in place. I throw out all the out of date medicines and cough mixtures with the result that the cabinet looks almost well organised. No doubt it will accrue a new layer of dross as the weeks go on.

Pizza for tea, and then I start to hunt down Christmas presents that have not arrived. One company has had the money but have not acknowledged the order. Worth chasing I think . Chasing done I settle down to write the blog. It seems there is a delay between me publishing the blog and it becoming available to others. I will see how this one goes.

Tomorrow I have a one to one with the project manager at the Royal College of Psychiatrists, which could be interesting given the way the world is. However I shall be cutting it short as my oncologist, “he who made a deal with the devil” , will be ringing me for my four monthly check. The biggest issue is how long I can keep him on the line and get some sense out of him. His usual approach is to tell me the blood results are fine, that it as good as it gets and then to fuck off as quickly as possible. A consultant with no bedside manner is just appalling over the phone. I am not hopeful and I am more interested in what his intentions are for the next appointment which will occur a year after my final chemo cycle. The challenge is to get a straight answer.

DVT 265 & 266

Saturday and I am distracted by anticipating the results of my blood test. As it happens some come through but the crucial one, the PSA does not, so I will have to wait. So I fill my day with a combination of Christmas preparation and continuing to prepare the house for the return of the decorators on Monday. Firstly there is the new under sink storage cupboard to build and fit along with the new shower curtain to put up. Once done the bathroom begins to look better.

So in between this preparation I wrote my Christmas cards and watched rugby or the Queens Gambit. Life at the moment seems to be full of clearing up, tidying and reorganising stuff. So I work away until past midnight when my full blood results get published on Patient View. I eagerly look for my PSA level and there it is at last. So now I have the full set, and it is favourable news.

Most things are in normal range but where I am out of it there seems to be reasons for it, mostly mild dehydration and the effect of my blood thinners. I will get a chance to run this past my oncologist on Tuesday providing that he rings and that he spends enough time to listen to me before he decides I am fit and well and ticks his boxes and buggers off for another four months. I got to bed with a sense of relief.

Sunday and I share the news of my PSA level and start the day with a bacon bagel. So its time to continue the preparation for the decorators. The first thing to do is to get the first bedroom sorted out by moving all the old stuff back. In the middle of moving and resetting clocks and phones we receive a delivery. The curtains for the bedroom have arrived early and they are exactly what we had hoped they would be. I set about hanging them but find the painters had dripped paint on the rail so that the runners would not run. So a little light sandpapering was required after which I used the magical silicon lubricant that solved the car seat belt problem on the curtain rail. My efforts were rewarded and the rail started to run smoothly. After some tricky sums I work out how many hooks I need and their spacing. I have enough runners for three of the curtains but only half the number for the fourth one. Amazon of course will have more with me tomorrow to complete the job properly but for now the curtains hang to drop their travel folds. So finally the look of the room is complete and I am happy that what I thought it could look like has become a reality, and it is pleasing.

So Sunday night arrives and still stuff to do to be ready for tomorrow, but I take time to watch His Dark Materials and to write the blog. Tomorrow I will post my Christmas cards, and set about some more Enabling Environment work. Most importantly I need to buckle down and train again and train hard. The fight needs to be fought.

DVT DAY 264

Friday and its a day of stuff, of bits and pieces, of filling cars and pumping tyres, of packing up parcels to go abroad, of dropping in to a garden centre to buy pies and trying to get money back from an away break that can no longer be gone to. Its been that sort of day, bits of busy, like buying hippo bags and forgetting to take my morning drugs. Of course this all came after a trip to the GP to have my blood taken. Its in preparation for my oncology appointment next Tuesday, so if I am lucky I might get them just after midnight. Happy start to the weekend, perhaps. When not doing stuff there was time to take a call from a friend and to chat about the everyday and the frustrations that Tier 3 brings. So this evening passes in odd small jobs and tidying until I get the joy of watching The Good The Bad and The Ugly, still a classic.

Tomorrow can wait until I see my results and then I will take it from there.

DVT DAYS 262 & 263

Wednesday: most of the day was spent preparing for Christmas. As amazon parcels hit the porch they get wrapped and stored. The boxes for Sweden and Sri Lanka are ready to go and just need to be taped and posted. Apart from that it was all football and preparing for Thursdays work. I friend sent me the following which I liked.

I am not old… she said

I am rare.

I am the standing ovation

At the end of the play.

I am the retrospective

Of my life as art

I am the hours

Connected like dots

Into good sense

I am the fulness

Of existing.

You think I am waiting to die…

But I am waiting to be found.

                                                                Samantha Reynolds.

Thursday: This is the day we get to see if our choice of wallpaper is good or not and get back to our own bed. In the merry-go-round of decorating my eldest daughter will be having her turn in a spare bed tonight, and this is how our lives will be for the coming weeks as the house gets done. The biggest challenge is moving the working spaces around, but that comes next week hopefully. But for now its crack on with work meetings for the day.

I also remembered an article I saw about prostate cancer I saw when I saw a television presenter talking about his experience. That and I have a blood test tomorrow. It never stops. Add to that being in Tier3 and a screwed long weekend break, life is just peachy! I miss my family and friends.