Thursday and it starts with a 9am work meeting. Of course there is an initial Christmas photo of the team dressed in festive garb. My quickly thrown together effort was I thought festive enough.

The meeting is constructive and ends with the usual seasonal wishes for each other as we head off on our various ways. Me to a fried egg sandwich lunch before going to the gym. I get myself on board a cross trainer do just over an hour burning off 711 calories and travel 8.13 kilometres. I was looking forward to a hot shower but unfortunately they turned out to be tepid. I obviously did not linger and got home quickly. I cook the traditional Thursday tuna pasta and the family having eaten I drive my eldest to her circus skills class. We drive back to find my partner in her singing lesson. I settle down to watch a football match and drink pints of water like a drunk. I’m on my fourth pint as I write the blog. I’m desperately trying to make sure I am hydrated as it affects my platelet levels when my bloods are done. Tomorrow is the day for them so I just need to keep downing the pints. Once the needle is out of my arm at 9:05 tomorrow I can stop. The plan then is to get on with Christmas, buy the tree, get the decorations out the loft and play find the dud light bulb. Midnight is the witching hour when the results of the blood test get posted. Then the fun starts.

Wednesday, lots to do today so it warrants a bacon sandwich and coffee to start the day. There is something luxurious about a bacon sandwich to start the day, a proper working class starter. I get some materials organised for the afternoons training session and then luxury of luxury I head for the Shed. It feels like an age since had Shed time, so I turn the heater up to full and set out my writing implements. I write quietly for a while interrupted only by the occasional passing squirrel. By lunch time I need a trip to the post box and find that my partner also has letters to post so we make the trip together.

At lunchtime I do the crosswords in the paper and them go into my first meeting of the day. Its a meeting of sensitivity where carefulness is a priority. The meeting is very useful and resolves a tricky issue that had exercised me for a while. I have time for a drink and then I am into a training session. I cannot get the IT to work so that I can share the correct materials to the screen. It excruciatingly embarrassing and makes manifest all my worst nightmares about presenting. I try to recover and manage a partial recover dur to the kindness of some of the attendees. We break for a drink during which time I frantically put right the IT glitch and go into the second half complete with materials. Of course it goes much better and I get to the end with some self respect and confidence in tact. However the experience has reinforced my thoughts about giving up work to take a more calm path for a while. Anyway I go straight into my late afternoon meeting to discuss a current report that is being written on a service. It is another meeting where the sensitivities are tricky but we get though to a reasonable and proportionate way forward. By the end of the day I feel tired but have enough energy left to do a bit of admin.

I finally stop by which time a friend of my partner has arrived to take my partner out to a film tonight. My eldest daughter and I do some Christmas organising and then order ourselves an Indian take away and I settle down to watch a football match and then to write the blog.

Mixed in to all of this working and doing are the messages from friends who are being boosted, raising children, caring for ill partners and facing both predictable and uncertain futures. In all of this I consider myself lucky. I have my family raised and my faculties in good working order. I am warm, sheltered, fed and debt free, above all I am loved and cared for, which makes me infinitely rich. Regardless of how my coming oncology review goes none of these riches are diminished.

Tuesday and I have a busy day, so I am up showered and breakfasted early in order to get to my chiropody appointment. What a joy my chiropodist is and the whole experience is one of luxury adn comfort. This was me giving my feet a Christmas treat. To have my feet done and left feeling renewed and invigorated is something I would recommend to anyone. So my day started with a real high.

Once back home there was a number of things to do including a lunchtime work meeting. I continued my wrestling with the RCP Share Point trying t get access to the training materials that I need for tomorrow. Eventually I ended up asking a colleague in the central team to email the materials. So much for the ease of information sharing with the wonders of modern technology. During this time I get a call from a friend who was dashing about trying to get through a list of chores before her energy gave out. It was good to have an opportunity to talk and catch up on how someone else was getting through the Christmas preparations and juggling the demands it makes. I do my lunchtime meeting and of course there is admin work to do as a result of it.

I put a meal in the Crockpot and then I finally get to drive to the gym, putting the bin out as I go. I settle down to an hour on a cross trainer. I arrive in the light but by the time I leave at 5 o’clock its dark. I really do not like this time of year. I get another call from a friend so I have the luxury of a chat before I get changed and exercise. My session goes quite well. I burn off 707 calories and make 7.68 kilometres. I drive home, put my washing in and settle down to eat the meal that was put in earlier. Tonight there is football to watch, a goal fest! At half time my washing goes into the dryer. At the end of the match I start the blog, retrieve my dry washing and get ready to go to bed. It feels like its been a busy day. What got left out to day was my Shed time. It would appear that my main juggling balls are Work, Shed and Training. Tomorrow will be the same juggle. Just a couple more days and I can drop the work ball for a few days and focus on Shed and Training activities. Of course Christmas and my cancer will have a say in that. Roll on Fridays bloods.

Monday and I rise from my bed to a day of Christmas tasks and hopefully some work. As it turned out it was a bitty day full of odds and ends with the result that I get to the end of the day feeling under achieving and with a sense of dissatisfaction. Its the little things in life like changing the central pin of a sink plug that take the time. A creative solution that gave great satisfaction but ate away time. I have managed to arrange some work meetings but also spent a lot of time battling IT and trying to find a specific link to information I need this week but all to no avail. It is increasingly making me think it is time to stop working and to retire properly or at least to take up something that I feel more in control of.

By lunchtime the Christmas parcels were ready to go, so my partner and I walked over to the post office and sent our parcels on their way. So our annual anxiety of whether our parcel will reach Sri Lanka in time for Christmas starts now. I assume our other homeland packages will arrive in plenty of time unless the post office is suffering from lack of van drivers. A shared lunch and then its a wait for Tesco to deliver, which they do and the delivery guy chats to me about the wonders of alcohol free Guinness, apparently its very good. As soon as the goodies are packed away I head for the garden centre to stock up on peanuts, squirrel feed and bird seed so that the wild life in the garden can eat their way through the festive season. By the time I get home, stow the feed and fill the feeders its getting dark. I really dislike this time of year, its dark early, the garden is dormant and my energy levels are low. My motivation is not the best its been but I still manage to tie up a few loose ends on the work front.

I decide to write the blog early in the evening so that I can get an early night post shower so that I am fresh for my trip to the chiropodist in the morning. I so enjoyed the experience the last time that I booked my feet a Christmas treat tomorrow. So my day will start with pedal pleasure to be followed by a work session at lunch time.

I suspect that I am eager to get to Christmas, that period without work where effort can be directed to just being with the family. I have Friday bloods to do and then of course tomorrow week I have an oncology appointment. This perhaps is why I find myself “itchy in my skin” at the moment and difficult to get myself focussed and engaged. It is perhaps why I am contemplating stepping back from working and rethinking what I do with my time. It is a troubling time but one which more than ever requires me to be calm in myself and recognise that I have no, or little, control over some of the things that will determine my future. Like lots of organisms I go “quiet” when I am facing a threat, in order to focus and to make the best adaptions.

Sunday, and of course its a weigh in day. I get myself onto the scales and hope. Good news:

94.0 kilos

That’s a drop of half a kilo, which does not sound much but given where I’ve been over the last two weeks is a real result. Next week is a domestic week so I can control my diet and exercise more strictly. So a good start to the day. This was followed up with a cracking bacon bagel and coffee, so things were looking up.

Next on the agenda was Christmas wrapping. I retreated to the spare room and dug out all the packages and parcels that had arrived and started to wrap for Christmas. It seemed never ending. At some point later in the day I wrote a bastardised Pam Ayres poem to a friend. It went;

I am a Christmas wrapper
All day I Christmas Wrap
Of all appalling callings
Christmas wrapping worst of all.

Not my most inspired but it was off the cuff. I promised pictures of the “fuck cancer” T shirt my friend has made me for my next oncology appointment. Here I am in my new T shirt:

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I finally get to the end of my wrapping and then there is the joy of recycling all the cardboard and packaging that has been generated, not only mine but my partners wrapping detritus as well. I’m not sure the recycling bin is going to be sufficient this week. I stow the wrapped parcels away and watch some rugby before doing the weekend Tesco order for the following days delivery. I settle down for an evening of Strictly results and of course the final episode of Vienna Blood. The end of my evening is taken up with the blog. I am hoping for a normal week this coming week where I can get into my normal routine and balance work, training and leisure. There is of course a set of bloods to have done at the end of the week.

Its Thursday and I am still at MB3, but not for long. I am driving back home by 7 o’clock and I get there in time to for a work meeting at 9 o’clock. Its a reasonable meeting and gives me an opportunity to catch up with colleagues. The meeting goes on for longer than usual as I and a colleague talk football and Christmas arrangements. I have lunch with my partner and then I get myself in to the garage to row for 45 minutes.

As its Thursday its tuna pasta day and then there is football to watch. At the end of the day I crawl into bed.

Friday: It was a gym day. 65 minutes on a cross trainer, 731 calories burnt, 8.51 kilometres done. The garden guy came in the morning to tidy the garden while I refilled the squirrel feeder. Take away for tea and best of all Vienna Blood in the evening.

Saturday, breakfast, gym (65 minutes on a horizontal cycle) and shopping followed by Strictly. Rose to win. Of course there has been some clandestine Christmas activity, some by me and some by the pixies. Best of all my friend has sent me a “Fuck Cancer” T shirt for my next oncology review. Picture to follow tomorrow. The real chores are stacking up, I’ve got work to do, DVD to move on, Christmas to finalise, letters to write, and poetry competitions to enter.

I realise that this is all very perfunctory but life is at the moment. Its just the run up to the oncology review. The world is no different, my view of it just less interested at the moment.

Wednesday and I wake at MB3 at 7:30. I have slept in my usual two hour bursts. I read for a few minutes and then get up and make my way to the main house for breakfast. I sit with the others and eat croissant and drink coffee. At 9:30 we begin our working day with a reflect meeting, orientating ourselves and beginning to focus on what the business of the day is to be. We discuss the format of the book we wish to produce and the possibilities of funding. We are a bright and creative bunch so there are many ideas and views to capture and consider. We brake and spend a time with the archivist at MB3 who has got all sorts of materials out for us to see, such as architects drawings of famous hospitals, early publications on TCs and lots of art work by ex TC residents. There is a huge wealth of material that we can use for the book. We move in to a lounge where we then have a zoom meeting with an Elder who was unable to make the journey to join us in person. We discuss what we had done so far and were then joined by the archivist who explained a couple of ideas that the Elders could help her with. It was a good mornings work and thinking and we had started to compile an ABC of subjects and issues to cover in the book.

At lunch time we sat down to a Christmas lunch of festive nibbles including chocolate log and cream with mince pies. We sat in our party hats and set off our festive poppers before settling down to watch a TV programme made about a famous Therapeutic Community (TC). It was an intense watch but provided us with a lot to consider in relation to the book we were considering. More coffee and we settled down to our last session of the day where we recapped the day and made our observation. We also caught up with how we all were in terms of health and life. At the end of the session everyone left to journey home only I and the MB3 director remained. I took advantage and caught up with the blog as the WiFi only extends to the main house. As I finish this I contemplate what a pleasure and a delight it is to have a peer group who understand the work I have done all my working life and who are generous and kind. It is a real honour to have a group of people where it is possible to talk about relational work who have a set of shared vales that place people and relationships at the heart of everything.

I shall spend my evening reading and writing with a view to a very early start in the morning so that I can get home with a full day to spend ahead of me. I might even make it to the gym to positively continue my reset week.

Its Tuesday and the day I travel to MB3 to meet up with other members of the Elders group. First there is breakfast and drugs to take and then packing for the overnight stay. This goes well and I am ready before time. I decide to train before I travel to make sure I keep my reset going. So I once again go to the garage and row for 30 minutes. It is slower than yesterday but I am pleased that I have made the effort.

I have lunch with my partner and then I hit the road to go to MB3 in Gloucestershire. The journey is storm ladened, there are times the rain and spray are so bad it is difficult to see anything and needless to say everyone (except the morons) slowed down considerably. I arrived safely and soon chose a room and go myself comfortable. Other Elders arrived and we sat and chatted until it came time to make the pizza dough. The early arrivals set about making the dough and preparing the toppings. The dough was set before the log burner to prove and we continued to chat and prepare food. After an hour we had all arrived bar one and the portable pizza oven had been lit and stoked to temperature. So we began to bake the pizzas. It was a resounding success and we all sat down to eat our individually designed pizzas. Our last member joined just in time to eat his pizza with us.

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We sit and eat our home made pizza and chat and then retreat to the fire side to talk some more and to reminisce about TCs that we have worked in and what life is like at the moment.

We talk our selves out till 11 o’clock and drift off to bed. I continue to read the Midnight Library, which has been recommended to me by a friend. I am immediately hooked by it and read till I actually get to the library. I try to settle down in the hope that I will get a good nights sleep but alas it turns out hat I sleep in my usual two hour bursts. It seems a long time ago since I have woken up in a morning feeling refreshed and rested.

Monday, reset, day but first there is a trip to the GP and a couple of jabs to have. I get myself down in the rain to the surgery and offer up my gut to be injected and then my left arm for the B12. It all over very quickly and I am soon at the reception desk booking my blood test for a fortnights time and checking when they open in the new year. I walk back home and log into a work meeting. It goes reasonably well and by lunch time I’m free for the rest of the day. I quick lunch made by my partner and the I am maintenance man. The new toilet seats have arrived and need installing, so I set about the task with a degree of confidence. My confidence is well founded and I am soon the proud owner of new fittings.

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I do some more small jobs and I am indulging in a pre training coffee when my brother in law arrives with Christmas goodies. We of course chat and drink more coffee for a while. We talk Christmas and how everything is tricky this year and how it is increasing difficult to juggle all the families commitments. It would seem that the family Christmas’s of old are gone and that now we adapt as best we can. Christmas now needs to be longer than a day. Perhaps we should we should just revert back to a good old fashioned pagan winter festival.

After he leaves I finally get changed into my training kit and get myself into the garage to row for thirty minutes. It is always the same when I return to training although this time seemed to be tougher than I remember. I grind out thirty minutes and remembered how stupid I am to stop for any time. My aim is to be back down to 92 kilos by the 19th of December. So its sessions like this and back to the protein and fruit diet for now. I’ve yet to decide how long my Christmas indulgence will be and in what form.

I eat a late tea and watch “the first vikings” during the evening as my partner has gone out for a meal with a friend. I settle to write the blog before I begin to get ready for my trip tomorrow to MB3 and the face to face Elders meeting. I’m traveling tomorrow and staying till Thursday morning so I need to improvise my exercise for a couple of days. But first there is the Richard Dimbleby Lecture by Dame Sarah Gilbert to watch, an unexpected jewel.

Saturday, I think of Saturday on Sunday and not a lot comes to mind apart a trip to Sainsburys and then my trip to the Winery in Burton on Trent to meet old colleagues and friends for lunch. A lunch that stretched to five o’clock with food and conversation about a shared history and people in common. It is quality time with people who are important to me and who know me well enough to tell me when I get up myself. I get home an spend an evening with Strictly and a film. I wait till everyone has gone to bed and then I wrap my partners birthday presents and clear the kitchen. Its one o’clock when I go to bed hoping I am tired enough to sleep.

Sunday and its my partner’s birthday, although when I wake I find she has already got up and made coffee. I get up quickly and dress as I remember that we are having visitors at 10 o’clock. A hurried breakfast of toast and coffee and then I start to prepare the evening meal. It is to be beef bourguignon with chunky vegetables and goose fat roast potatoes. I manage to get it into the Crockpot just before one of my nephews arrives with his wife and son. We sit and drink coffee and chat family and work stuff. It is a real pleasure to see them and all too soon they have to leave to go and decorate the Christmas tree at his fathers house.

After they leave my partner opens her presents and we call our youngest daughter. I remember that tomorrow is my 28 day injection and I need to take my prophylactic paracetamol. I take my drugs and settle down to watch the first half of the women’s FA cup and then the Leicester Tigers match. Tigers win. Its time to prepare the birthday dinner. I get the meal ready and we sit to eat. By this time I have retrieved the chocolate cake from the boot of my car and stuck it with candles so when the time comes I can do the traditional entry with a flaming cake and offer the opportunity to make a wish. We eat cake and then its back to Dr Who, Strictly and the blog.

Tomorrow I am back to the GP for my injection. It is my last one before Christmas, the last one of the year. I have one more oncology appointment before Christmas, which I expect will mean another round of scans and then, if my PSA has risen (as it will) then a new course of chemo therapy. So 2022 is likely to pose some new and significant challenges. My old clinical supervisor and mentor has sent me a Christmas card with a letter in it. On the bottom of the letter he has written, ” I follow your blog and delighted to see you fight this cancer. I know at times there are dips when you wonder if its worth keeping going – it is. ” It is just what I needed to hear at this time. So tomorrow I begin again, to fight, to diet, to exercise, to be organised, to be engaged and to find a way through. So thank you once again Michael.