So here we are with my fingers crossed as I leave chemo behind. I’ve stopped talking steroids, so now I will wait for whatever that means for me. Now more than ever I need to focus and keep my direction. I must not kid myself that having done chemo that I have a clear space in front of me and that I can relax for a while. Cancer won’t relax, or take a time out, it will keep trying to kill me and finding new ways to adapt and survive. I expect it will take a little longer for all that tree bark poison juice to leave my system, but it will be quite short at which point cancer gets let off the hook and can begin its come back. Clever bastard cancer got to give it its due it’s bloody persistent. So I have to remain at war and keep doing the things that I think help stay alive. Being active seems to help me stay ahead as does going to the gym. Right now I am keeping to a diet of sorts and keeping busy in terms of work. So I am of to Sheffield today for a meeting tomorrow and then I shall be in Birmingham on Thursday for more Enabling Environment work. So its life as usual except it takes on a new meaning, its life as defence against cancer. I see no other acceptable alternative. So if I appear a bit driven, irascible and pre occupied at times, that’s me in the corner fighting.
Ultimately this is about staying alive as long as possible in a state of dignified humanity and being able to go on making meaning of my personal universe, making a contribution and having my time with you. Found the Hilda Hilst poem while surfing the net and thought it reflected the sentiment.
Send me word, if you can,
“The moon is full, the house is clear.”
Send me word, and paradise
Shall be nearer, and your uncertain face
Shall seem more recent.
Send for me if your day
Is as long as your night. If it’s true
Without me you see nothing but monotony.
If you remember the gleam of tides
Some pale red fish
In certain seas
And my wet feet, send me word:
“It’s a moonless night”
And dressed in light, I come to see you again.
(Hilda Hilst, tr. by Beatriz Bastos)
