Thursday morning and I just want to cover my head and sleep after a night doing the larine two step. I tentatively look in my energy cutlery draw and find a single spoon. I try to sleep but fail and eventually my partner brings me hot water, which I sip before doing my vitals, which to my surprise are okay. In an effort to try and capture what’s going on I write something on my new notes App in the hope that it will let me move on this morning.

439
When I'd rather be asleep 
than awake, I know I'm in trouble.
When all the niggly bits
out weigh the rest ,
then it's desperate.
When nothing is a crisis
but everything needs tending 
in an endless round of care
that's when I hanker
after sleep.
Its the insidious side
of cancer warfare,
chipped at slowly,
like Chinese torture,
every drop washing away energy,
a man under erosion. 
I crave a kindness or two
just to know  that 
someone sees it
before I pull the covers 
over my head.

                                                                    439 20-03-2025

I finally get up make toast (its going to be a toast day) and take my morning meds with the additional vitamin D as a treat on this Spring equinox day. Retrieving my ice pack from the freezer I strap it onto my bruised toes and begin to draft the days blog. Already I am tired and I am supposed to be seeing Paul Muldoon at the university tonight. I even bought some of his poetry to read to prepare but I’m not hopeful of stretching my one spoon that far, although I know that other poets from my Stanza group will be going. Its 11:20am and I am already fatigued.

All day I rest trying to recover from a grim stomach upset. There is a call from a friend, which was really good. Hearing someone and talking with some one out side the household is a real pleasure. I watch Under Milkwood and in the evening the last episodes of Adolescence. By bed time I am exhausted, I take my night meds and a Dioralyte with a couple of plain biscuits and head for bed. Did I mention I am exhausted.