Monday, 2 o’clock in the morning, cannot sleep, listless and uncomfortable, I resort to booking a Tesco delivery and filling the basket. It does not solve my sleeplessness so I get up and resort to pen and ink.

403

The thing about being alone
in the house 
is that nothing moves,
except the tower fan.
Here I am 
at two forty AM
not sleeping
and the only company 
is the oscillation
of air. 
It feels strange.
I'm tired yet 
cannot settle, so sip
hot water
and resort to pen and ink.
All my alarms are set 
to wake me from
what I can not
achieve. 
Six hours before 
my GP expects
to jab me
in my regular cycle.
I've no idea what's going on. 

                                                               403 22-07-2024 

Mysteriously at some point I must have fallen asleep as I wake to the sound of work alarms and then again to a persistent Alexa and a phone who, in unison chivvy me awake. I feel like a grubby ragdoll but get up, making the bed as I go, and haul myself into the shower. Such an effort but that feeling of cleanliness and odourlessness is a comfort. Its time for proper seeing the nurse clothes and then a simple breakfast so I can take my morning meds. Today is all about timing, so I text the gate installers who ring back and chat about arrival times and work to do. It feels like I am on automatic as I get my trainers on and walk to the GP surgery. I am not feeling right but the nurse jabs me and we agree a time for my next set of bloods before my oncology review on August 5th. So its home via the co-op for a paper, bread and Lucozade, not as addictive as co-codamol!

Once home I tidy up a bit, empty Daisy Dishwasher, and Beelzebub bin before the gate installer men arrive. The neighbours are having work done as well so the parking and lorry situation means that for the first time I juggle my car close to the front of the house on the new block paving. Coffee is made for the gate men, the sun comes out and I take paracetamol and take to the recliner checking my messages and starting the blog. My partner and eldest daughter are making their way home so for the moment I try to rest and wait for the usual post jab side effects to kick in. Not being able to sleep is a new experience for me and I am finding it disorientating, my nights are usually interrupted but I’ve never had trouble actually getting back to sleep before. I need to think about what I need to do to get back to my usual sleep hygiene.

The gate guys beaver away and my partner returns about lunch time. By mid afternoon I am a man with new front gates, of which I am proud. We now have the privacy back that allows someone to sit in the front garden on sunny afternoons with being ogled by passers-by. Unfortunately the gates are an inch out to allow the dead bolt to slide over easily so the boys will be back on Wednesday to replace two blocks and re-drill the retaining holes. The new side way gate has been finished in the same oil as the gates and the handrail on patio is being replaced, another Wednesday job.

The afternoon continues as I feel my injection site begin to get sore, so its time to rest and think about when to take my next lot of paracetamol. Pace at this time is everything. I watch an old episode of Have I got News for You and then take my second batch of paracetamol of the day as my jab get more sore. Everyone in the household is struggling so its a case of ordering in food to give us a breathing space, I order and we all begin the wait for food before a quiet evening and early nights. A collective time out is required.