Tuesday, this is a good Tuesday possibly the best. It coincides with the last day of Cycle 5 of my Chemo. Having checked my cyber litter and my accounts, drunk a coffee brought to me by my partner before she went off to see her mother, I get up and do my vitals, the last in this cycle. Having dressed I make my breakfast and then start my drug rituals of ordering next months supply and of filling my drugs wallets for the next two weeks. Its time consuming and fiddley but it keeps me straight. Its one of my mildly obsessive rituals but is part of my external structure that enables me to function on automatic when I am not at my best. I note it is the state opening of parliament as my TV gets filled with people in fairy tale carriages and dressed up in robes and waving wands of state. Some woman called Black Rod bangs on doors and people troop from one carpet colour to another to hear a King read a fantasy to them. So this is democracy, I go and put my washing in and then set about clearing the kitchen and wrestling the pile of cardboard boxes in the hall, the detritus of the shoe chaos campaign. By two o’clock I’ve done lunch, washing is on the line and I am wondering at what point I am going to train. I have to train today as I have fallen below the magical 100 PAI points I need to stay fit. It feels like I have spent a lot spoons already this morning but need at least another 16 PAI points to get to the required 100. The arrives and with it a single “bloods” form to take with me when I get my next bloods done on the 24th of November prior to my oncology review on November the 30th.

I spend time reading the Relational Practice Manifesto/ Strategy that has a closing date for comments on the 17th of November. I am in several minds about it. It is a laudable aim to place human relationships at the heart of practice and services. What bothers me that it is not a simple coming together, there is a power dynamic that seems to hold a veto in there somewhere. It seems to me that people blossom when they come together only when they do so freely, not as service provider and user. It is something I will ponder as I row, recalling my own experiences.

I don’t ponder on my row, I just row, but I row for and hour gently except for the last few minutes to get me over the 11,000 metre mark, in fact I get over the aesthetically pleasing 11111 metres and the 700 calorie mark. I am feeling mildly pleased with myself until I check my fitness app that has given me only 9, yes a measly 9 PAI points for my efforts which means I have not reached the 100 required as standard. I am truly pissed off and wonder about the efficacy of my Fitbit and the fitness app I am using.

Stamping on my disappointment I go into the now dark garden to gather in my washing, to find the airier is already in use, so I put the recycling bin out to find a rogue pair of shoes not in the new shoe rack, and so the chaos starts again. I bring the Amazon parcels in to the hall I cleared earlier so they do not get damp and then finally I sit down to record my session in my journal and catch up with the drafting of the blog. I shall change into dry clothes and unrepentantly watch football.

Apart from football I manage the Great British Bake Of and a final go at the daft of todays blog. I’m out of spoons now and down my night meds and take Oscar and Lucinda to bed. Its been a long day with what feels like little reward beyond tidying up and maintenance stuff. Tomorrow I’ve a coffee planned with a friend. and of course I start Cycle 6 of my chemo. It is unremitting, unforgiving and relentless, but I stand and my experience across the years is imprescriptible.