Its Thursday afternoon and I thought I would for once draft the blog before I run out of spoons. Most days I write the blog, I do it at the end of the day when I am exhausted, spoonless and heading for bed. It probably accounts for why many of the days are so mundane. By the time I get to my bedtime state I struggle to remember what happened earlier in the day and anything that has caught my attention of any interest has turned in to a grey pulp in the fatigued mind. I cling onto to the prosaic rituals of the day like breakfast because these are the things that form the scaffolding of my life. Without this construction around me I might collapse. I never used to need this carapace around me as my internal skeleton coupled with a strong sense of self was sufficient for me to navigate the world, continue to build my inner universe and seek meaning to my existence. Cancer changed that and the medications that came with it. As I learnt what challenges it brought and what compensations I needed to make so I began to build my protective shell around me. My immediate environment needed to be more ordered. I needed to know where everything was so I did not waste energy trying to find things. My tolerance of things that I thought to be easy and turned out not to be so infuriated me, and still does. Like wise technology that constantly changed. I would get used to a system and some arsehole would decide my life would be easier if they changed a sequence or user interface optic. It just could not be left alone, no progress must happen or people would not have careers. Worst of all was the the increase in “noise”. The emotional and relentless voices of the outside world, mostly wanting my money by guilt tripping me, trying to scare me or enticing me with shit I do not need. I am almost at the point of not watching TV. The BBC , which is supposed to be advert free is full of doom and gloom, grim documentaries and its own style of moral high ground extortion. It all constitutes “noise”. I suppose worse of all is my own intolerance of others trivia which is expressed as “really important” and ” I’m entitled to my opinion” , regardless of how ill-informed, inaccurate and self serving it is. It borders on the edge of “If its my opinion then it must be true”. As I become more entwined with the battle against my cancer the less I can tolerate this “noise” and the more I withdraw into an internal world of feeding myself through reading and writing letters and the odd poem. By its nature cancer forces me to live in short bursts as I no longer have the spoons for prolonged effort. I am engaged in a marathon jog with frequent water and sponge breaks where there is no room for malfunctioning technology or people without kindness. Much of this explains my recent interest in philosophy and the idea of a good person. I’ve said before that I am not a naturally good or kind person, it does not come easily to me. Some people seem to be able to be instantly empathetic and kind, it is their nature, it is not mine.

Anyway I got up and had breakfast and then read for a while. I have finished my David Sedaris book and started on another titled Naked. Another autobiographical set of essays which so far is proving exceedingly engaging. In a strange way he reminds me of Alistair Cooke’s Letter from America but from the other end of the spectrum. Rough versus smooth but with the same penetrating powers of observation and comment.

I read for a while and then take a shower and wash my hair. I am after all going to the dentist. All smartened up I walk slowly to the dentist feeling that I might be wearing too many layers for my level of dentist anxiety. Once booked in I read for a while and then make my way into the room of pain. Today I am seeing a new dentist as my regular one is on maternity leave. She is clued up on me and catches up on my current medical status adn then gives me the oral once over. Apparently my gums are good and my teeth are no worse then they were last time. I clearly need my chipped filing done and I agree to let her excavate my tooth that might be capable. I am x-rayed and we chat about the plan going forward. That’s it, she makes me a new appointment and recommends I see the hygienist before our next appointment. I say farewell and return to the reception desk where I make my hygienist appointment and pay todays bill. I walk away relieved and feeling strangely better. That was a much better experience than I expected.

Back home I have lunch and then read some more of Naked. After a while my eldest daughter becomes available and we sit down together and work through all the legal paper work for my sister’s estate and the house sale. It takes ages to work through all the questions and to ensue what needs signing is signed and what needs dating is or is not according to need. Eventually it all gets down and I drive my eldest daughter to her uncles so he can witness some of the paper work to be signed. The visit does not take long and we are soon home again. The evening gallops in with tea and my partners singing lesson, while l watch rugby and an episode of Vincent. I finish the blog and take my night meds before taking myself off to bed. Tomorrow I must train.