CYCLE 6 DAY 16

So this is a new year. 2020, the roaring 20s is what everyone seems to be calling them. I wonder where they get such fanciful ideas. I woke up feeling still 2019 and still with cancer. I’ve not made New Year resolutions but will attempt to make some life style changes. A few diet changes, more fruit, protein and less carbohydrates, certainly no sweets or sugary things. More of the things that give me magnesium like avocados and nuts. Of course I will keep taking my drugs and making sure I get my B12 shots on a regular basis. More exercise is going to be a priority when I can. I need to keep pumping the blood round and making the heart and bones work. I need to combat the weight gain, by exercising on a balanced diet.

 Finally I need to learn patience. I’ve no idea whether or if my nails will grow normally again, I have to wait. I have no idea if my beard will grow back, I just have to wait. I have no idea if my hair will grow back, I just have to wait. I have no idea if I will get my sense of taste back, or lose the metallic taste, I just have to wait. I do not know if I will stop getting cramp in my calves, I will just have to wait. I’ve no idea if I will get my strength back, but I can work on that.  I have no idea if I will completely lose the numbness in my fingers, I will just have to wait. I have no idea how my body will continue to respond to being stripped of testosterone, I will just have to wait. I have no idea if I will get to be able to sleep for more than three hours before needing to empty my bladder, I will just have to wait. All this and I have not yet reached the end of cycle 6, I’ve still got another 5 days to go before I have come to the end of the chemotherapy. I have no idea how long the cumulative effects of being poisoned since the 3rd of September 2019 will last. All I can do is wait. I’ve no idea if how I feel about being a sexless fat semi male is going to change or whether I will continue to avoid mirrors, dislike the feel of my own body and think I smell of chemotherapy. All I can do is work when I can, be scanned when I am told to, give blood samples when I’m told to, attend oncology appointments when I am summoned and pretend that it’s possible to live a life with some sort of meaning, efficacy, and contribution to make. It becomes an “as if” life. I shall live “as if” it is all possible while knowing that I live on an island with the sea of the real world lapping or storming around me. The direction is to keep putting things in order for the family, doing the right things, staying focussed and under no circumstances buckle. So here I come into 2020, waiting, learning patience and waging my own internal war.

As for the practical things of the day. I did my claws, visited my partner’s brother to deliver his CP invitation and cooked a curry. We also ordered food to be delivered tomorrow at 8:30. Tonight I watch football, write the blog and plan my day as my partner returns to work tomorrow. So tomorrow I fix the direction and focus on the life in hand.