Thursday and I wake up with my internal organs trying to leave my body through my nostrils. Its an inconvenient state to be in so I down coffee and eat muesli. I take my usual meds and top them up with paracetamol. On the dot of 9 o’clock I’m in front of my laptop for a work team meeting and that is where I stay for the next two hours. Its a long two hours but like all hours it comes to an end. I spend time preparing the cameras that we are taking away for the weekend away. They have not been used in a while so they needed resetting and the power packs charging. It seems that we each have a large and a compact pocket camera each. To this I add some binoculars and fill a bag with our toy. Job done, I walk down to the chemists to pick up my prescription including my injection for Monday afternoon. I have moved the appointment to the afternoon to accommodate our return from the weekend away. I buy a paper and I then get drawn to the village café where I indulge in a bacon and sausage baguette. I return home for coffee and sit in the front garden soaking up the sun and looking at the signs of spring.

My partner and I eat lunch in the front garden enjoying the sun, we are joined by a butterfly who seems to be impelled to be part of our sitting.

Having dined we set off to fill the car, check the tyres and then shop for our weekend food. We wander the aisles with our list and of course add extras to it as we imagine our meals over the weekend. We do the checkout dance and drive of with our goodies. Once home we stow the food and prepare for the evening. We eat and then my partner does her singing lesson and I take more drugs and watch TV until its time to watch another episode of Last Kingdom and to draft the blog. I tire quickly and look forward to my bed.

Wednesday and I am up and into my shorts for an early coffee. I had hoped to get to the gym as soon as possible but some work emails came in and I needed to respond to them, so I get to go to the gym later than planned. I arrive to an almost empty gym apart from one spin class taking place. I pick a favourite cross trainer and churn out an hour as my legs are still feeling yesterdays efforts. I get to burn 722 calories and go 7.86 kilometres. A warm shower and I am in the lounge with a large coffee and an egg and bacon roll. I drive home filling the car with petrol, about an hour before the chancellor reduces the price by 5 pence a litre. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Once home I .settle down to a work meeting on Teams. I do my best to be engaged but it is a stretch when others are just turning into white buttons. I’ve said it before, its like going to a meeting with a paper bag over your head. At the end of the meeting I retreat to the garden and spend time on the swing seat with a coffee and a bun. A friend rings and we try to have a conversation but the signal is so poor we give up. I spend some time contemplating my Buddha head in the evening sunshine. The smile is intriguing.

I top up the hedgehog food and then go indoors for the evening noting the way spring is blooming in the sunshine.

The evening sees another episode of the Last Kingdom watched and then I have the luxury of having my hair braided. As my hair grows the possibilities of more complicated braiding become more numerous. I am hoping that eventually I will settle on a signature braid.

Part of my evening is spent getting the cameras ready to take away at the week end. I and my partner are going to a lodge in the woods where we hope to get some good pictures of nature. I find that the battery packs are not as good as they were and order some replacements to arrive tomorrow. My “soffice” is now a tangle of leads, plugs and adapters as I try to get everything up to speed for the break. In the background the TV continues to chatter about the chancellors spring statement and the Taliban deciding not to allow the reopening of secondary schooling for women. The Ukraine is now down the batting order but the news is no less distressing and enraging. I will go to my bed still wondering what else I can do. More prosaically, I have a work meeting to attend at 9 o’clock in the morning.

Tuesday and I wake from a really crap night. For the first time in a long time I decamped to the spare bedroom in order to get to sleep. The new meds obviously work their magic in the night but I wake unrested with a disturbed gut and feeling a bit like the bottom of a birdcage. It takes me time to get going. I get myself coffee and toast before getting in front of my laptop for my work 1 to 1. It goes smoothly, although I am not sure I was that coherent. After the meeting I pick up the admin aftermath and catch up with some organising of future travel and hotels. I do a bit of Easter preparation and then its time to go for a lunch time walk with my partner. We take a turn around the village and return for a light lunch.

Its gym time. I head for the gym feeling distinctly still off it. I get to the gym floor, grab a cross trainer, switch Bet Midler on the i-player and get under way. As I churn out the effort I begin to feel better and the session goes fairly well. I end up feeling pretty good. I burn 727 calories and go 8.31 kilometres. So good in fact that I spend some time on the weights machines. Feeling mildly pumped I go for a shower. I get two looks of interest, the first is by a guy who is a bit confused by my long hair and the second who was clearly amused by my Hedgehog T shirt. I hit the lounge for a coffee and then drive home to put the bins out.

The evening consists of a meal and several episodes of the Last Kingdom. In the end I give it best and draft the blog before drugs and bed. All I want is a better nights sleep tonight and be able to get to the gym early in the morning before afternoon work meetings.

Monday, the partner has gone to work and I get up to a marmalade bagel and coffee. My eldest daughter is ensconced in her study so I head for the Shed and that’s where I stay all morning, writing letters. A friend calls and we talk about the various day to day things that make family life what it is. I have a training session to attend at one so I stop for chicken soup adn then log in. The session gives me the basics of what I need to know and at the end of the time I and a colleague take a bit of time to review the session and what it means to our role. Then we talk football, life and pensions.

I return to the Shed and complete my letters. I check the hedgehog’s canteen and top up the water bowl, before refilling the squirrel and bird feeders. By mid afternoon I’ve had enough and pack the Shed up and go to post my letters. From there I go to the village shop and by some basics before returning home. I agree to give my daughter a lift to her circus skills craft, where I wait for her to finish. I order Indian take away before setting off home. Once home we wait for food and Tesco. Thankfully food arrives first and we are able to eat before Tesco come knocking and I am amused by my surprise as I spot things I have forgotten to order. It gets packed away and we return to watching the Viking tosh that we are currently following. My interest is mostly in the hair braiding.

Whilst meandering through my day I check my emails and my messages in which there are reasons to be concerned. The waters are not smooth at the moment and there are things to be managed in the coming weeks and months. As usual the elephant gets eaten one bite at a time all that is required is direction and the will.

Sunday and I find my partner up before me so I wander down stairs and make toast and marmalade with coffee after weighing myself in. Not good news, 96.8 kilos is a gain of 0.5 kilos. I need to focus. We chat for a while to plan the day over a pot of fresh coffee and decide to face time our youngest daughter early. We find her with her partner making cheese on toast for breakfast with the the second loaf she has baked in the bread maker we bought her for her birthday. We chat for a while and discover they are going to continue to redecorate two of the bedrooms in their house. So they were spending their day with paint brushes in their hands. My partner irons and hangs out washing and calls me out to see the first frog in the pond this year. Of course I take a picture.

Not only is it the first frog of the year but it has chosen to appear on the vernal equinox, which today is. The sun is shining and it is looking good for a few days, so my decision to mow lawns this weekend may prove to be sagacious. I think the Vernal Equinox means it is equal day and night and marks the start of spring. To try and counter my ignorance I look at the link a friend has posted to one of the groups I am on. I include it hear for clarity, or not.

Are you any the wiser, I think I am a bit. Its the 6th round of the cup this weekend so there is an early match to watch, which takes me through to a lunchtime dish of soup and bagel. I pack my gym bags and my partner and I go off to the gym. The place is practically empty, however when I get on the gym floor I find all four of the cross trainer are taken, outrageous really. I straddle a bike and pedal for an hour , but just for fun I use the machines course option and take a ride through champagne country learning interesting champagne facts as I go. By the end of this educational pedal I have burnt 596 calories and travelled 25.01 kilometres. Its a while since I cycled and I notice two things, one my bum is mildly numb and two, once again I have forgotten to put my Fitbit on my foot to get the steps benefit. In the end its a reasonable work out. I shower and repair to the lunge for a coffee and to wait for my partner. Today I am wearing my Honka football short as my favourite Finnish football team won the Finnish cup yesterday, beating Inter Turku 3-1. It looks like it could be a good season. The season is the shortest in Europe due to the cold and the lack of daylight in Finland. It seems to me that being a Finnish football fan is ideal for those with short attention spans.

We finish our coffee and drive home where my partner gathers in the washing and I set about mowing the back garden grass. It goes reasonably well for a first cut. I am hoping the next few days will dry the under layer out a bit and encourage new growth. With the grass cut the garden looks more inviting, but I have been careful not to disturb the hedgehog’s domain and left that area wild. As far as I can tell from the camera evidence out hog is coming out every night now.

I pack the mower away and now I am feeling the gym effort. I settle on the sofa to watch another football match adn to eat tea. As I watch the match I sip coffee and draft the blog. The Amazon knocks on the door with a package with my name on, I am bewildered as I have no outstanding orders, my partner says she has not sent me anything, I open it, intrigued. This is what was inside:

So if you were responsible for my surprise present thank you very much I really like and will be wearing it very soon. Now its time to do the weekly Tesco order and to prepare myself for Peaky Blinders and an early night as I have training to attend tomorrow and my partner is actually going to work.

Friday and its a sticky and slow start, in fact I find it difficult to get going. Its a full moon, not that will make any difference to me. I message my friend to wish her happy birthday and that her planned day with her children and wife goes as planned. She has claimed the bum of her Collin the caterpillar birthday cake as a birthday privilege. My morning is slovenly and I finally mange to shift myself to the gym at lunch time. I get to the gym to find it very sparsely populated. I do an hour on a cross trainer burning off 725 calories and going 8.28 kilometres. My post training shower is most welcome and I retreat to the lounge for coffee and an egg and bacon brioche. I take my time to recover and finally drive home. There is a trip to the shop to buy rugby watching treats and a newspaper. My partner returns from visiting her mother with her brother. Its not been a good visit as there has been great aggravation trying to get the bank to pay the carer. The bank are convinced its a con and refuse to move the money the first time. They insist on talking to my partners mother who when talked to made the immediate response of asking her daughter what the answer is. It sounds farcical but its anything but funny, with the result that eventually the carer gets paid but its been impossible to set up a regular arrangement so there will be more aggravation in the future.

The evening starts with watching the Leicester Tigers lose their cup game, which is followed by an evening of Red Nose entertainment. A the end of the day I go to bed tired but dissatisfied that I have used the day usefully.

Saturday and I wake to a coffee with the morning well on. My partner and eldest daughter decide to go into town to shop so I make toast and get on with cleaning the fish tank out. Its a satisfying job as the fish reappear and for a while the view of the fish will be clear. Of course while I have been doing this my weekly wash swishes around adn is waiting for me to drop in the dryer once my fish duties are done. Time to down load the garden camera and to my delight I find that the hedgehog is appearing every night and seems to be hail and hearty. Below are a couple of recent pictures of our new garden resident.

The surprise is the reappearance of the fox who has visited us twice in the last five days. I thought that the first sighting would be the last but clearly we are on the foxes regular route. What amazes me is how the hedgehog, the fox and the cats that visit the garden at night seem to be able to avoid each other so deftly.

All this activity of down loading the camera means that its getting close to the first international rugby match today. I nibble some goodies adn settle down to watch what turns out to be an amazing match. Believe it or not Italy manage to beat Wales with a last minute try. I take my opportunity to cut the grass in the front garden before it becomes a jungle. The front garden gets more sunshine and looked as if it had dried out enough to be cut. It was a good decision and although the cut was not perfect it will allow the under layers to dry out a bit further. If I am lucky I will get to do the back garden tomorrow providing the weather stays warm and slightly breezy.

So having sorted the garden, I top up the hedgehog canteen adn put out fresh water before settling down to watch the Ireland v Scotland rugby match. Its a bity game and I find myself drafting the blog. So by the time the Irish celebrate the triple crown I’ve eaten tea and got most of the draft done. So now its onto strawberries and ice ream followed by France v England, the deciding match in who wins the Six Nations this year.

England lost, another heroic failure, very British. So on to other things. Two new books have come into my life today. The first was a recommendation from a friend who had read my battles with food on the log and suggested the book she uses as her food bible when she wonders why she is eating too many pastries. It is called “Eat to Beat Disease” by Dr William Li. I have only very briefly glanced at it but I note chocolate, cheese and beer are not so bad, I therefore am likely to read more.

The second book was a surprise gift from my partner and chimes in with the current hedgehog action in the garden. It is by Pam Ayres one of my favourite English poets. It is a dark tale and a plea for us humans to be more hedgehog kind and aware.

So now its the end of the evening and I take my drugs and go to bed wondering what awaits me on the scales tomorrow. I know the lawns need mowing and I will probably need to go to the gym.

Thursday, I wake with ten minutes to get to my work meeting. I make it with a coffee in my hand. The meeting goes well and I chat to a colleague afterwards before picking up the admin work. It takes me through to late morning when I make some toast and check the hedgehog has fresh food and water. Somewhere in there I download Yammer and manage to get to the Elders Blog. I’m not quite sure how I managed it but I am now connected to my Elder colleagues. It remains to be seen if we use it. I go to the gym and burn off 725 calories and go 8.05 kilometres. I rest in the gym lounge and indulge in an egg and bacon brioche before returning home. All I do all evening is watch football, draft the blog, put the trash out and watch Mock the Week on Dave. One thing I do want to share is a poem that a friend sent me yesterday, which amused me greatly.

Wednesday and I wake up in the York hotel after a disrupted night, the meds again. I have an early coffee and shower and take my hair out of its braiding as it is beginning to unravel. It would seem that using a series of smaller tight braids works the best and as my hair gets longer it will be possible to keep it in longer. I have coffee and a basic breakfast, it is a dank and misty morning so I dawdle and indulge my morning before preparing to drive back to Leicester. I do not rush and try to take my time, being kind to myself. The drive back is in the rain and road spray but I make reasonable time.

Once home I unpack and survey the state of the bird feeders. Its now throwing it down with rain and shows no sign of stopping. Eventually I go to the post box to send the letter I wrote last night and while I am wrapped up in jackets I fill the squirrel feeder and the bird feeders. I check the hedgehog canteen and find the dishes empty so I replenish them and finally retreat to the house. I am tired now, the physicality of the day has caught up with me and I sink into an evening of food, football and finally the news broadcasts. The Ukraine of course dominates. I shall take my drugs and take to my bed.

Monday and I go to York in the morning. I deliberately drive slowly, well under 70 mph all the way. The motorway is clear and I have a very relaxed run all the way to eh hotel in York where I am staying. The Holiday Inn is relatively basic but clean and predictably so, it is my usual haunt in York when I return. I am here to have conversations about moving forward in my intention to stop working and how I am managing my illness. These conversations are an extension of my days of clinical supervision. I used to think that clinical practice without supervision was the definition of negligence, now I think that life without reflection is hazardous. I find that I have overlooked some elements of managing my cancer or at least the inevitable outcome. I have things to write and to prepare.

For the first time I choose to order room service for my evening meal. I went with pizza as a safe option. Having scanned the QR code stuck on my mirror I sat and wondered if it would appear. It did indeed turn up in quick time and made my NCIS watching useful. I get an email asking if I am interested in supporting a team in Australia who are bidding to open a new prison with a therapeutic community. A surprise out of the blue, which of course interested me. So I will wait to see if the proposed Teams meeting gets organised. I put myself to bed with a head full of thoughts about all sorts of things but mainly how I had managed not to do more to create the poetry coyote since my first flush of energy in December. It was after all one of the major motivating factors alongside my cancer that made me decide to stop working soon. I need to get back on track, but I am concerned that I’ve got so side tracked.

Tuesday and I wake feeling my usual birdcage bottom self. These addition meds appears to up set my gut as well as making me tired. So I get myself to the restaurant and get some cereals and toast down me, plus coffee of course. Midmorning I go to see a friend for coffee and conversation. She is suffering from long COVID. It was good to chat to her and her wife about how things are and how the future looks. After lunch I return to the hotel to catch up on my messages and emails before starting to draft the blog. I’m spending time jotting notes and pulling things together at the moment. I’ve one eye on the clock as a bit later on I am having coffee in the lounge of the hotel with another ex colleague. Its a lazy day before I travel back tomorrow morning. I no longer rush around, I can no longer do it and no longer want to as I think being kind to myself needs to be the priority. I write a letter and then meet my friend for coffee before she goes of to have a meal with old colleagues. I retreat to the room and watch football on my laptop, drink coffee, take my meds and tuck myself in for the night. Tomorrow is back to Leicester and an attempt to reset the transition and of course the gym.

Sunday, a brief laze and then up to croissants and toast. Over this we decide on a family time out at the Richard III experience in Leicester. In the excitement of this I forget to take my meds. We head off into town and wave our hastily pre-booked tickets at the staff and enter the experience. Here are some of the pictures I took:

This is the Pall that now rests over the modern tomb of Richard III which is now in Leicester Minster. It took 18 months to stitch and depicts the people of the time of Richard III and the people who discovered him and did the science to prove it was him.

It was a surprisingly interesting experience and once we had our fill of the 17th century and all the attendant violence that went on non stop during the 1660s and 70s, we headed for the White Boar Café and found they did wizard pasties and coffee. Once replenished we drive home and my youngest daughter and her partner head off home.

I settle to watch rugby, eat tea and then write the blog while watching the BAFTA awards. Prizes for the made up. It fills a gap before Peaky Blinders and match of the day. I am so shallow. I’m tired and looking forward to me bed tonight.