Friday and its time to get my blood pressure done and off to the GP. So I get that done and the rest of my vitals. My partner and I have a chat about how we are and then I get up and get into my training gear. So I start my day with 30 minutes on the rower. Its a session that is hard but I manage to do better than on Wednesday.

By the time I have climbed of the rower someone has delivered the new sun parasol. I decided to erect the new parasol before having a shower so I take the boxes out to the patio and spend a fair while putting the new parasol together including the high tech solar panel on the top of it which drives the light array under the umbrella. My efforts are successful.

Of course there is the challenge of recycling the huge amount of packing and with that done I set about todays crosswords. With lunch done while the washing machine is on I finally get to have a shower. Once clean and dry I ring the doctor to ask for an appointment to see about some rough areas I have that are giving problem. I was expecting to be told that I needed to ring on Monday but to my surprise I am offered an appointment at 5 o’clock’. So I start to draft the blog to pass the time till it is time to get ready and walk down to the GP surgery.

The doctors goes well and I return home via the chemists to an evening of reading and TV before getting my night meds down me, submitting my blood pressure to the GP and going to bed.

Wednesday and I have had a tricky night but in an effort to be positive I get up and get my training gear on and head for the garage where the machine of hope sits waiting. I clamber aboard and very slowly begin to pull. Matters do not pick up and my session is one long slow pull where I end up going the least distance I have done since starting to train again. I do not make 5k so I know I am struggling but I am making the effort.

I get myself to the shower and get washed up, which by the end of I am all out of spoons (energy) so I retreat to the recliner and rest. I get my vitals Excel spread sheet up to date as this is the first day of chemo cycle 16. Of note is the slowly rising average blood pressure average. This is ironic in that later in the day my GP sends me a message to monitor my blood pressure twice a day and to report it on the nhs app. So tomorrow I get an extra chore to perform, funny how life and medical admin increases as one gets to feel more crap.

The evening is tough as my partner and I battle with the process of coping with the tsunami of coping with our own and others stuff. We eat trout, which took two bottles of white wine due to one being corked, and then watch Chasing Shadows an old police drama which never made a second series. I get to night meds and get myself to bed with the goals of staying in the same bed for the night.

Thursday and I wake having achieved my goal of staying in the same bed even though my sleep has been disturbed. My partner and I sit and talk for a while and then get up for a bacon sandwich before my partner heads for the gym. At the last minute I decide to accompany her to spend some time in the lounge drafting the blog while listening to the Infinite Monkey and Cage and Mark Steel’s In Town in Stoke-on-Trent. He is just excellent of making fun of the town that he is in. So with my ear buds in to block out the noise of lounge people babble and the piped music I draft the blog. I find myself laughing out loud at Mark Steel as he describes in an hilarious way Stoke. I never knew that the captain of the Titanic was born in Stoke, captain Smith, and that Josiah Wedgwood had one and a half legs and that Stoke originated oat cakes and is awash with monkey dust.

My partner joins me and we drive across the fun park to the Italian restaurant and have lunch. I’m feeling off but the food is welcome. Once fed we return home where I continue to listen to radio shows and rest.

Tuesday, but really it is 3:37am on Wednesday, I am gripped by insomnia. I am exhausted but cannot sleep, my gut lumps ache so in an attempt to get myself to the point of exhaustion where sleep takes over I draft this. Tuesday was a day of fatigue where all I was good for was accompanying my partner to a supermarket to shop for fresh food having not ordered a Tesco delivery thinking we might go away. I have not got the energy for that which frustrates us both and makes me feel guilty. I am usually quite good at ploughing on and finding ways through but this sleeplessness is new to me. Sitting here in the near dark makes me appreciate a back lit keyboard and a warm drink. The dilemma is whether to take a co-codamol or not. I know it numbs me and makes me sleepy but also plays havoc with gut and binds me up, it seems there is no simple solutions any more. I recall from my college days that the lecturer on sleep put himself on a 48 hour sleep cycle so that he slept one night in two so that he would sleep for 12 hours when he did, but I know in my gut, literally, that it would not work in this situation. There is great reluctance on my part to start taking any kind of drugs to induce sleep so I continue to try and work out a solution. Normally I would lay still and rhythmically breathe but I am so restless I find it difficult to maintain this and inevitably change position, or bed, or the attempt to sleep, hence the drafting of this.

This is something new to me and and I guess its a new part of my cancer journey. I am wondering if after 15 cycles of my current chemo the side effects of the drug is catching up with me. My partner and I discussed taking a holiday from my drugs to see what happened and to stop recording all my ins and outs in my journal along with my vitals. We even discussed not doing the blog any more. Has it become a chore and not the novel way of helping family and friends know how I am without the need to have tricky conversations? I do not know so continue to draft and post it. In the here and now I’m tempted to take co-codamol with a warm drink and see if it gets me back to sleep and deal with the aftermath tomorrow. For now its the warm drink and another attempt to find a comfortable position to try and sleep in. I find myself yawning but know this is a trap and will persevere a little long just to make sure I am truly ready for another go at sleeping.

Monday, a day of hospital. I woke up up after yet another tricky night, not really feeling right at all but wake I did. Before I can do anything a friend rings and we chat about holidays and how we are. She is the first person I’ve talked to outside the household for days and was very welcome. I took my vitals and got up and had breakfast in my kimono on the patio as the sun was shining. A shower followed and by the time I had dried off I was knackered and needed a rest. My partner plaited my hair before we left for the hospital for me to have my ultra sound scan. We left early because the scan was to be done before I saw the consultant. By the time we got to the hospital I was shaky and tired so the long walk to outpatients 2 was a demanding one. Once there I presented my letter and took a seat. A nurse made an apologetic announcement that that the IT had gone down and there would be a delay getting the clinic started but another nurse appeared with paper work for me to go to x-ray to have my scan.

My partner and I found our way to the department with my clutching my A ticket and waited a short while before I was called in. Two scanners gelled me up and did the scan, it was a quick but sticky process. Clutching a wodge of tissue to get the scan gel off me I got off the couch and got back into my clothes before returning to my waiting partner. We returned to the original waiting area before being called in to see the consultant. A nice bloke who asked questions, and showed us the scan results. It turns out my oncologist was right, my abdominal lumps are residual fatty scar gunk, so not something to worry about, except they ache and hurt enough at night to keep awake, so we discussed pain control. Paracetamol seemed to be favourite, failing that patches. The later I could get from my GP. So we left and went to the hospital restaurant for an unhealthy snack before retuning home.

Once home, I drifted not knowing what to do with my self until the evening came and went. I took my meds and after a little while took two paracetamol to counter the the abdominal ache and went to bed. Here I am at 4:30 in the morning unable to sleep adn drafting the blog. Another hideous night. My hope is that exhaustion over takes me and I get some sleep in to the morning.

Saturday and it gone now. The only thing that matters is that I managed to get my next three cycles of chemo pills from the hospital pharmacy. The journey in was a nightmare drive and my partner was a hero dealing with the constantly unsigned road closures as we endeavoured to find our way to the hospital carpark. On the way back we stopped for a late lunch at a local garden centre. I was overtaken with the urge for a cheeseburger and fries. It was one of those experiences were the fantasy was better than the reality. Once home it is all Olympics and a binge watch of the High Country to its bitter end. I fill my drugs wallets for the next two weeks, take my night meds and go to bed late hoping that being tired I will sleep.

Sunday and its sunny but I am up early after a disturbed night and reading the book that a friend has sent me. After I mentioned in the blog that I had been offered statins and declined them two friends responded. One shared her experience of being pressured by her GP to consider Statins but backed off when she asked for the evidence that they work. My other friend has sent me a book called The Great Cholesterol Con by Dr Malcolm Kendrick. It is a thought provoking read and I spend most of my sunny day reading it, either on the patio or later in doors sheltering from the sun.

I read through to the early evening when I have a nap and check my blood pressure, which is unusually elevated. I take to the recliner and draft the blog before the closing ceremony of the Olympics. Tomorrow brings the hospital appointment to have my abdominal lumps scanned and explored so tonight I rest, take my meds and will go to bed hoping for sleep.

Friday, and after a co-codamol sleep induced night I get up and immediately get into my training gear and get myself to the garage and the waiting rower. Strapped in for a half hour session I get the technology going and start to pull. I keep it going albeit slowly but I grind it out. Usually when I start back into training and take a rest day my performance dips but today I end up getting better arithmetic than my previous two sessions this week. It provides hope for the future. So far there has been no ill effects when I take a piss post training and that has to be good.

It is gratifying to see my distance increase again, so I think I have earned at least one rest day over the weekend. I shower, which seems a small thing but its a spoon heavy activity and by the time I’ve dried my long white mane I need to rest. I take my morning meds and sit for a few minutes to gather myself before I walk down to the dentists at 11:30. This is the appointment I chickened out of a week or so ago to have my new crown fitted. At the dentist I am called in quickly and the work starts.

Of course I get a jab of anaesthetic and try to chat as my lip and nose become progressively numb. With what feels like half my face numb the dentist gets to work. She fits a rubber sheet over my mouth in order to keep my tooth to be crowned as dry as possible, its a a strange experience having a rubber sheet clipped across my mouth, it is what I imagine a gimpy feel to be, its not one I like but go with it, I can’t chicken out at this stage. There is lots of running commentary as my temporary crown is prized off and then prepared for the final crown. All the time I have the taste of latex in my mouth. We get to the sticking the final crown and then its over, mission accomplished. I am not feeling great but make it to the reception desk where they relieve me of a wedge of money. It’s a relief to get outside know its over. On my way home I drop into the village shop and pick up a paper and Lucozade.

Once home I am desperate to get some calories into me so I drink Lucozade through a straw and after a while suck an after eight mint. My mouth remains stubbornly numb for ages while I watch the Olympics. My partner and eldest daughter go into town to collect new spectacles, and I continue to wait till my mouth unfreezes. Thankfully my mouth eases enough for me to make an omelette and get a lump of calories into me. I had hoped to make it to the hospital pharmacy but I just have no energy left so continue to watch the Olympics. There are strange new “sports”, the most intolerable is “breakdancing”, I ask you really, “brake dancing”. It’s just pommel horse on the floor to crap loud music and a lot of stupid posing labelled “facing off”.

During the day a new oncology appointment arrived along with a blood sample bag for it. There was also a lovely card from a friend on holiday who has had a good holiday transformed by using a mobility scooter, which is great news. The evening comes along with the return of my partner an eldest daughter who show off their new face furniture. The Olympics return to proper sports and our athletes bring in some relay medals. So Friday night will be a slow one that will end with night meds and the hope that the night brings co-codamol free sleep.

Its Thursday and am up early (for me) as my partner goes to work and I re-park my car off the drive. I am just about home again when the tree folk arrive and park their big chipper on the drive. After a few minutes of unloading their fearsome looking tree kit they set to on reducing the trees, hedges and stumps that we have contracted them to do. I eat breakfast, while they fire up the chipper beast, and then I start to draft the blog to a background of Olympics, where our plucky Brits get going. As I sit and type increasing amounts of tree pass by the window to become fine chippings in the blink of an eye. All I have to do now is not panic as the work progresses and see if there is a window of opportunity to go and collect my next three cycles of chemo from the hospital pharmacy in town. Unexpectedly my GP surgery rings and tells me that they are doing an assessment on my blood thinner usage as they have me blood results back. Apart from asking me my weight and whether I am bruising or bleeding its all straight forward. We agree that I am happy to be reviewed again at some point around the end of the year or at the start of next. I thought that was the end of it but suddenly we are onto my cholesterol levels. I point out again that I am borderline and dropping so going back to training and changing my diet is my preferred method of tackling it. I sense I am not going to get away with it and I am right, there is determined effort to get me to try some statins or an alternative but I resist and eventually I settle for some information to be sent to me. With that over I make lunch and watch more Olympics.

The tree folk beaver away until after lunchtime, the trees are reshaped or remove and the hedges are all clipped and trimmed with straight and exact edges. There is one hiccup, they drop a tree limb onto the roof of one of the sheds and goes through it. I am not surprised the shed is rotten and very mossy. The guy is very apologetic and asks if there is anything he can do. Oh yes I reply and fish out a roll of roofing felt and flat head felt nails with a hammer. Between us we manage to re-felt the shed so at least the roof is water tight for now. It just brings forward the need to replace my sheds, in fact carry out phase two of the garden upgrade. The tree folk leave and soon after the boss of the tree folk arrives to stump grind a stump from a big tree that was removed sometime ago. We have a quick chat and then he gets on and does his thing with his beast machine. By mid afternoon everything is done and I am left to do some odd bits of clearing up.

My partner returns from work and I retrieve my car from its temporary parking place and close up the gates for the night. Of course there is the Olympics on and as I drift into the evening the athletics get going. The evening passes to the point I take my night meds and look forward to tomorrows visit to the dentist to get my new crown fitted. I flunked out last time and postponed it so I hope I am able to complete this time. After that is the collection of my chemo drugs from the hospital pharmacy. So its going to be a full day of challenge and somewhere in there I need to train. Now of course I have a cholesterol issue to juggle, bugger me anything else!

Wednesday, its been a hideous night. I got up at 2am to draft yesterdays blog because I could not settle despite being tired after yesterdays exertions. My partner has gone to work and leaves me to sleep as I try to catch up on my sleep. I do wake up and go through my message checks and then get dressed in my training kit. I make my way to the garage and climb aboard the rowing machine. I set off slowly with Radio 2 in my ears. I row with my eyes closed as I focus on just keeping moving. I keep my focus and keep going and feel warmer as I chose to keep a track suit jacket on. When I open my eyes I have just over 3 minutes to go, I hold my pace and finish. When I check the readout I’ve done slightly better than yesterday, so go me. Overall I’ve performed at 84.5% of my normal level when I am fit. so the first goal is to reach 6 kilometres and a 1000 strokes but todays effort is enough to get me over the 100 fitness points on my fitness tracker which is the daily goal.

I take a short rest and make a simple breakfast and then rest some more. There are some Olympics to watch before I go for a bath in an effort to ease my stiff shoulders. Radio accompanies me with documentaries on asbestos in talc and a drama about a swimmer coached by a ruthless trainer. Post bath I rest and do my vitals before having an afternoon pizza. By this time I have no spoons (energy) left so I settle down to draft the blog and ease into the evening. There is of course more Olympics to watch and another episode of Vienna Blood to take in. Tomorrow has to be a rest day from rowing as the tree folk are coming in to do work on the hedges and the trees, it will take time for them to do the work so collecting the next three cycles of my chemo drugs might have to wait. The most important thing is to get some sleep tonight.

Tuesday and I wake up with a sense of needing to do something. This was the day I said I would start to train again, so after a few diversions I get out of bed and into my training gear. The rowing machine is waiting for me in the garage. I strap myself on and set the session for 30 minutes and tentatively start to pull as I listen to radio 2 in my ear buds. Its a strange feeling doing this again after six months and eleven days. I take it gently but I do manage to get to the end of the 30 minutes, I’ve performed at about 30% below what was my usual output, but its a start.

Having trained I get out of my training gear and make myself breakfast. I just about finish my meal when out of the blue one of the Prostate Cancer Specialist Nurses rings me. She wants to know how I am, so I tell her that I have just trained for the first time and filled her in on my recent history and my up coming appointment with the lumps and bumps folk. She is very chatty and positive and keeps reminding me that I have been through a lot and that at my age I must not expect to be instantly okay. She had not realised that I had been on my current medication for so long and was sure the oncologist was right when he says my abdominal lumps are a result of five years worth of 28 day injections. She said that it is little wonder that I was experiencing fatigue. The call ended and I felt that at least someone had heard me and that she new I had heard the oncologist.

I was just settling down to skateboarding children at the Olympics when I get a call from my GP surgery. As a result of the blood tests that my GP had done I was being offered Statins for a raised cholesterol level. I pointed out that last time it was borderline and this this time it had dropped so I thought with exercise and a diet adjustment I would be okay, so I politely declined the offer. Frankly I’ve got enough drugs washing around inside me at the moment. I make lunch and settle down and wait for a friend to call as we had arranged yesterday. Mid afternoon my friend calls and we spend over an hour talking about how I am and what has been going and how she is and what has been going on for her. She is the person I usually go and see in York as my mentor and as always she asks interesting questions and makes useful suggestions about my situation. After the call I have some things to think about and to consider. I always find my time with her supportive and constructive.

I go into the evening feeling that I have had a busy day full of contact with people. There is more Olympics and then an episode of Vienna Blood before I take my meds and retreat to bed with a headache. I am hoping to sleep but it alludes me, so much so that I give up on sleep and get up to draft the blog. It 02:20 in the morning, I’m knackered but sleepless but now must try again to sleep.

Sunday is a day of Olympics and preparing for tomorrows oncology review. One of the things I do is complete a fatigue assessment test the FAS. It turns out I am at the top end of moderately fatigued, most of it being physical fatigue rather then mental fatigue. I scribble notes in the margins of my bloods results. I putter about, lay a new fire in the chimenea for future use and update my blood pressure Excel data base. In the evening there is athletics and SWAT before I take my meds and stay up and watch the arse end of a film to try ensure I am properly tired before going to bed.

Monday, oncology review day. I have slept reasonably so I get up and have breakfast. I take my meds and then wait for the oncologist to ring me. To my surprise ” He who made a pact with the devil” rings me quite soon after the start of the appointed two hour slot. I gave him my recent history and the fact that my GP has referred me for to the sarcoma (lumps adn bumps) clinic for Monday. He is convinced that these bumps are the result of five years of injections and that they are an accumulation of some sort. He says he will talk to his colleagues to speed up the ultrasound and book me an MRI as it will be quicker. I tell him about my fatigue and he is clear that this just needs exercise and again reiterates the need to train till sweaty for 30 to 40 minutes at least 3 or 4 times a week. He tells me he will prescribe my current drugs for another 3 months and then goes. It is as I predicted. Another surprise followed when a lumps and bumps person rings me and we discuss Mondays appointment. I am told to turn up at my time and I will get an ultrasound scan, which will take about ten minutes before I see someone from the team. So it is continue on as planned on that front. So that’s the morning done and I make lunch while my partner goes to the gym for the afternoon leaving me and my eldest daughter to sort out tonights meal.

After a bit more Olympics I drive myself and my eldest daughter to the local garden centre and load up with meal options for the next couple of days. On returning home I do todays crosswords, which I do easily and then start to draft the blog and plan for how I am going to get back into doing the exercise I need to do. First of course is to check the rowing machine is working and lubricated and then changing my daily routine. At the moment my best chance is probably to get up and train, eat, do drugs and shower. My guess is initially that will take all the spoons(energy) I have for the day. It appears the only option that I have being offered to me. So this evening has to be my last indulgent evening of TV, from now on it has to be early nights and determined mornings. I will be interested to see how it goes. While I draft the blog the pharmacy send me a message to say my meds will be ready to collect on Thursday afternoon. Just another bit of the juggle. Before this evenings joys I go to the garage to check the rower out.

After some jiggling and swearing I get the batteries changed in the rowers read out and the display reset, so all is ready for me to start my new activity regime tomorrow, god help anyone who gets in my way, it going to be rugged enough to start up again after months of lack of training. Along with new activity the diet will have to change. Its time to ditch the sweets, biscuits and other goodies as well. I guess my first check point will have to be Christmas in terms of fitness and weight loss. I predict a grumpy patch slowly changing into a sunny spell.