Its Friday the 14th of June and exactly 365 days since I started my current form of chemo, so I have to acknowledge that this form of Chemo has been successful in containing my cancer and reducing my PSA. In the scheme of things this is a good result, so today is an important day and a day to celebrate.

On a more here and now issue today is the day my pre operation assessment takes place. Before I get up I check my vitals and spend sometime organising myself for the day. Of course as I am going to be seeing the medical profession later in the day I get into the shower and wash my ever lengthening locks and contemplate what is reasonable to wear, its a tricky balance between feeling comfortable and not looking like some one who has lost all sense of decorum. In the end I settle for jeans and T shirt with a classy fleece jacket. I have breakfast and do some meds admin until it is time to do the drive to the hospital. My partner drove me as I had taken a pre-emptive co-codamol.

The wait to be seen was not that long and I was soon called in accompanied by my partner. It turns out all is good, and I have a strong heart and my vitals are good. There is one surprise, my height. I have managed to lose almost two inches in height. I come in at five feet nine inches, that’s at least an inch and a half short than my mature adult height. So a sure sign that age has taken its toll, it is never the less a bit of a shock, so its thick socks and Cuban heels for me from now on. I see two nurses, one to do the measurements adn one to take me through the process. I am dispensed an anti bacteria body wash to use between now and the operation along with an anti bacterial ointment to shove up my nose three times a day. So having been measured and briefed I am sent off home. My partner drives me while I take in all the information I have been given.

Once home I settle back to draft the blog and to prepare to watch the opening game of the European football championships. Traditional fish and chips fortify me for watching Scotland get thrashed by Germany. I while away the evening and stay up late to watch a film before finally taking my night meds and going off to bed. I am very tired after the days exertions Now it is all about preparation and rest for the early start on Monday when I check in at 7 o’clock to the pre-theatre ward. I am of course anxious but I am hoping that I can soon return to training and get rid of some of the blubber that I have accrued over the past six months.

Thursday and I wake up after a peaceful night which had vivid dreams in it. Comforting dreams, which was good, so I woke up feeling I had had a good nights sleep. I was not eager to get out of bed and allowed myself to rest until late into the morning. It feels as if I am better at the moment when I am horizontal. Uluru (bladder stone) seems to be okay at night and when I am laid flat but begins to produce symptoms when I get vertical and the day wears on. I check my vitals, which are good and then check my messages and social media. There is the final invoice for the work the builder badgers have done so I get that paid via internet banking and then amuse myself watching some Mock the Week, Scenes We Would Like to See. At last I get up.

Breakfast is late which means so are my morning meds, after which I spend time on Moonpig sending some cards. With noon whizzing by I start to draft the blog and think about about my afternoon and organising myself to g to the hospital tomorrow for my pre operation assessment. My guess, my hope is that I am just going to answer a lot of questions, the same ones as I answered on my electronic pre op questionnaire. They will probably want blood and urine samples and to see if I can stand up from a seated position and have capacity to sign a consent form they will not want me to read properly. I will be interested to see how they present the catalogue of things that can go wrong all of which of course will be my fault if I consent to the operation.

My afternoon passes and somehow slides into a Stars Wars film and the Post Office enquiry where a clearly slimy solicitor who was involved in the Post Office strategy to minimize the post master scandal was being grilled. What I could not resist was the fact that he worked for Womble, Bond and Dickson, now that you could not make up. There are people out there called Womble and they are lawyers! The Force in full flow the evening arrives and as it is Thursday my partner does her singing lesson while I draft the blog and settle down to the most restful evening I can manage. My best outcome for this evening is to get my meds down me and to get a good night sleep, tomorrow is going to be demanding and I suspect a little distressing.

Wednesday and I appear to have slept reasonably well last night. I’m in no rush to get up so take my vitals (all good), check my messages and social media and watch a couple of YouTube videos. My partner brings me my morning hot water before I get up for breakfast and my morning meds. I am feeling shaky and I can already feel Uluru (bladder stone) making its presence felt. Having just settled down on the recliner the builder badgers arrive to fit the new side gate and the hand rails to the patio steps. They seem to be as chipper as ever so I set them off to work with the now ritual cups of coffee. Feeling slightly off my game I return to the sofa and an early start on drafting the blog. There are some decisions to be made about our front gates with regard to split, 50/50 or 66/33, as my partner points out it makes a difference when getting the cars in or out of the drive. Potential to make a school person error here.

The “tree man” Eddie is popping in later today to discuss stump grinding, hedge trimming and tree maintenance so I need to be on my game later today. I have still not worked up the courage to send the book links to Radio 2 even though I now have a WhatsApp group with them, although a friend asks what have I got to loose I still feel uneasy about doing it just in case someone actually responded. I shall think it over.

The builder badgers get to work and after a while they are completed. The new hand rail for the patio is in place and the new side way gate is in position. The project is almost done. I talk to the badgers and tell them which gates I want for the front drive so that they can order them for me and fit them in due course when they are delivered from the makers. For now its time to clear up the garden and get reorganised.

Having waved farewell to the build badgers I return to the sofa and spend time doing some economic home admin and planning for the future. My sums are just completed when the tree man arrives to look at the work that the garden requires. He is getting to be a regular visitor and was the person who recommended the badgers to us. We stroll the garden and identify the work required. Apparently there is nothing that poses a problem and it can all be done in one day. He departs saying he will send me a price over the next couple of days. So all that leaves me now is to find some muscle for a day to clear the garden of the things destined for the waiting Hippo Bag.

The evening starts when my partner returns home from visiting her mother. We eat and then drift into the evening. I am not feeling that well so I am content just to get through the evening to the point I can take my meds and get to bed. I am working my way towards Fridays pre operation assessment one step, one day at a time.

Tuesday and I wake up in the spare bed as I feared I would not sleep last night. It was an okay night. My partner goes off to work and I change beds and take my vitals, all good, before getting up for breakfast. Immediately I can feel my cystitis like symptoms starting and immediately take my meds and another cystopurin and retreat to the recliner. To keep myself busy I send the link to my to new books to friends and family and toy with the idea of sending them to Radio 2, but as yet I have lacked the courage not wanting any contact while I am feeling the way I am. With that done I record to new YouTube videos to get my new poetry collections “out there”. They will only reach a hand full of people but that is life.

My videos go live at noon and so I include them here. I think I have included at least one of these in printed format in the blog before. As I wait for noon I clear the kitchen in anticipation of the Tesco delivery between 2 and 3pm today and then retreat to the recliner and down some co-codamol as my cystitis like symptoms increase during the morning. My intention is to sit tight for as long as possible and just try to relax, read and stay still.

In the afternoon my eldest daughter goes for a walk and of course Tesco deliver, so I hump the crates in and then squirrel all of the goodies away. I have run out of spoons (energy) and take to the recliner again as I attempt to rest. I spend the afternoon trying to keep my head busy and watching some random TV including the new Star Wars series The Acolyte. Just as my partner returns from work a friend rings and we have a chat about how we are. Once again her employer is failing to understand the implications of having long COVID, in particular the difference between travel for work purposes and private domestic trips. It is good to hear from her and to talk to someone outside the household. Tea is eaten not long afterwards and I return to drafting the blog. Apart from the Great British Sewing Bee there is very little I want to watch so I expect that I shall return to S.W.A.T as a means of escape before I get to night meds time and the hope that I can get a good nights sleep.

Monday and I wake after a reasonable nights sleep. I do my vitals, good as usual and then get up feeling quite hopeful that I might tackle filling the Hippo bag. However by the time I have had breakfast it is clear that Uluru (bladder stone) is going to have a say in that, By lunchtime I am in pain again and taking co-codamol. Despite lunch and a surprise slab of rock road I find myself resting and reclining. The sun shines but I am unable to take advantage of it. Being confined I tinker with some life admin, banking and the like while I wait for delivery of my current new collections. I had hoped they would arrive early so I could make a YouTube video but it seems they are delayed. In an effort to keep occupied I draft the blog and check to see if the post office enquiry is in session.

The afternoon brings the Amazon delivery of my two new books. Now I can make the YouTube videos for, but that is a tomorrow task. I cook the evening meal as my partner is resting as she is having issues with her hip. It seems we are chipping in what we can at the moment. Once again Uluru makes my evening a misery as my pain increases during the evening, I resort to yet more co-codamol until I take my evening meds, and retreat to bed having drafted the blog. I am distracted, listless and not feeling that I have to many options left to manage all this. I have to last until next Monday, operation day.

Sunday and I wake up having had a good night with no acid piss, it makes such a difference. I have no explanation why I am good at night and get worse during the day. My partner brings me hot water and I take my vitals, all good, and then say farewell to my partner and eldest daughter as they go out to shop for a new laptop. I fix a simple breakfast and then I decide that as I am feeling a bit better than I have done to try and get the patio furniture up and running. This means unpacking and filling the patio umbrella base and filling the sections with water. I set to and gradually get the job done.

The next big job is to fill the Hippo bag and get rid of all the rubbish out of the garden then the place will start to look good for the summer nights and all that sunshine we are expecting one weekend sometime. However after my patio efforts I am pretty much spoonless. With one last effort I recycle the packaging that is laying around and take a couple of pictures of the front of the house. It feels like this has been an important project to have undertaken.

Having done my major chore for the day I settle down and watch the women’s rugby semi finals. Two excellent games to tame me into the early evening and tea. Between semi finals I start to draft the blog and and begin to plan the next YouTube videos to put the new poetry collections out there in cyber space. Apparently I could use marketing tools but I am disinclined to do that, I’m not that interested in a commercial adventure. One thing I have considered is sending some copies off to see if anyone would review them. On the other hand I probably would not read them.

The evening rolls round and I eat with my partner before we settle down to watch TV together. Unfortunately my rock Uluru decided to chip into my evening so after what had been a symptom free day I end up back in pain and just working my way to my night meds and bed again. It was all going so well!

Saturday, a slow day in which a few things go well but as the day goes on my symptoms of my bladder stone get worse, to the extent that I resort to co-codamol mixed with Cystopurin. What I do manage is to watch a rugby final, drill enlarged holes in the water terrace to ensure it works properly and check the garden camera, which showed me that a fox is still visiting in the dawn.

The only other thing that happens is that my second two poetry collections have been published. Both The Cancer Years: Some Rough Stuff and Herod’s Children Crumulent Collection are now sitting on Amazon waiting to be bought. I have of course ordered some for my shelves. That will be me for a while.

I draft the blog, take my meds and go to bed hoping for sleep. At the moment it is a grind.

Friday, a fucking terrible night, up every hour so I emerge into the morning as rough as a badgers arse. I lay in taking my vital, scribbling a poem, and looking at my blank phone. My partner brings me hot water and toast as I try to rouse myself. Eventually I cannot do this any more, I get up and shower, wash my hair and spruce myself up. Whilst in the grip of deodorant and clean flowing hair I decided to clean out the water terrace. I finally got the thing sorted, squirrelled away the spare rain pipes and then found I had run out of spoons. It is lunchtime so I sit down and eat a sandwich and recover while I start the blog. There is a Hippo bag needs filling with our accumulated crap but that will have to be a weekend job. The post arrives and the only letter is my hospital appointment confirmation. This time next week I will be being pre op assessed and then on Monday the 17th I have to rock up at some God forsaken hour in the morning and report to theatre waiting area 2. Its only a matter of time before they issue e tickets and get met by a robo nurse before being operated on by a AI facilitated surgeon. Any way I shall try to stress inoculate myself before I attend and organise my affairs just in case the general anaesthetic proves too much for me. My final words to the team as I go under will be “I’ll see you on the other side, don’ t fuck it up !”

I eat lunch with my partner and join in the phone call to my youngest daughter and her son. He is bouncing around on a new medication to prevent asthma and seems to be very happy with life apart from the odd cough. It makes a really pleasant break in the middle of the day.

The Americans are due to ring me today to get my next two poetry collections up on Amazon. I am hopeful that they will up and available before I go into hospital. I had the odd thought this morning about giving some copies of my collections to the village library. I thought I might give them a few copies to stick on the shelves, assuming they do poetry, and some to sell to raise money for the library. My thought was it might encourage others to do the same if they are not already doing it. While I wait for the call I spend time buying the tools I need to future proof my water terrace. It clearly needs bigger inlet holes so I’ve invested in a set of hole cutters, that’s me sorted tomorrow. The garden needs restoration but one thing that needs doing is deciding where to put the established large pots, so things like the small olive trees need new homes. For a while I ponder over where to put things and then start drawing up the maps, with that out of the way I draw up a Hippo Bag contents list in readiness for the garden clear up. What I need is a labourer. In the old days I would pop down the labour exchange and offer a hearty muscular type a days work with a lunch and beer thrown in, but alas that does not seem to be the way these days.

The Americans ring and check I am available to receive a verification code, I am, and five minutes later my code comes through, which I pass on. If all goes well my two new collections will appear on Amazon in a few days time. I’m once more excited by the prospect and also apprehensive that I have had the temerity to once again throw my offerings in the face of the world. I am leaking spoons and know that tonight I shall cling to the life boat of a football match, and the joy of an election Have I Got News for You, which is bound to be very sharp and funny. If all else fails there is S.W.A.T. I get a message from a friend who is being told she is moving teams at work, I reply. This is may or may not be good new ultimately like so many things in life it is sometimes difficult to tell until there has been time for reflect, discussion and trial. It is however an unwelcome interruption when trying to recover from long COVID, not the period of consistency one would have wished for.

Wednesday was a shit day, full of my Uluru (bladder stone) symptoms, which meant a miserable day of discomfort and I suspect great grumpiness. I managed to type some letters, which my eldest daughter posted for me. It was not until the evening that I gain some relief and starred at the TV mindlessly watching S.W.A.T. By the time I get to bed I am able to sleep. Around me life carried on, including the builder badgers who are nearing the end of their work with us. We are almost there.

Thursday and I wake up after a reasonable night sleep. I take my vitals and find that they are okay. I read a coupe of stories in Calvino’s Cosmicomics before I get up. Once again I find them enchanting and thought provoking. A good way to start the day. I get up and make breakfast and as the D day commemoration goes on in the background as I load my vitals data into my Excel spreadsheet bring Cycle 13 up to date. With that done I turn to drafting the blog. I am feeling better than I was yesterday, a bit headachey, but I hope to write more letters today.

I spoke to soon, as the day goes on I feel increasingly off my game. My ambition to write letters does not happen and I end up trying to rest. The builder badgers finish all they can do, so we are able to pull the cars onto the new drive. We will see them again next Wednesday when they return to fix the house side gate and the hand rails for the patio steps. After that there is just the new front gates to put in place, but as they need to be ordered and built it will be four weeks before they can be fitted.

I get to the evening having pottered around a bit waiting for the Americans to ring me. They said noon their time, but it comes and goes. On checking my emails I find the Americans are planning to publish both books together but they have to sort the ISBN numbers today so want to call tomorrow. I agree and drift into the evening while my partner does her singing lesson. The highlight of the evening is watching the Great British Sewing Bee before I take my evening meds and go to bed. Its been a really flat day, where I have felt off colour all day. Its very frustrating, it feels like this is related to all the medication I am on.

Tuesday and I am up at 5:50 am after a difficult night. I sit sipping hot water and trying to gain my composure. I eat breakfast and take my meds and continue to try and rest. My partner goes to work and soon after the builder badgers arrive in what looks like changeable weather. I make coffee for the badgers and then return to resting. I get myself together and empty the dishwasher before deciding to type a letter to a friend. It is a slow process and takes me a long time. Midway through this letter some one rings up to book me in for an upgraded energy meter, he got very short shift and told it wasn’t happening. I return to my letter. Its a simple lunch of soup and then more letter writing.

My grim bladder stone symptoms continue during the morning so there are several interruptions requiring me to rest and recover each time. My letter is finished, enveloped and finally sealed ready to go. There will be no going to the post office today, perhaps tomorrow. Out of the blue I get a phone call from the general hospital they tell me I am booked in for my operation on Monday the 17th at 07:15 in the morning and I am booked in on Friday the 14th at 2pm to have my pre operation assessment. No sooner than the call is over than I get a text with a link to a pre operation assessment questionnaire, which they warn will take between 30 and 60 minutes. I get stuck into it. It takes so long to do that I am still doing it when my partner returns from work. As I finish the questions, Tesco delivers to be followed immediately by the flooring guy to look at the office floor. He takes one look and says he cannot do it and leaves. No sooner had there been this flurry of activity when my partners friend and house guest arrives and notes just how changed the front drive is. My daughter goes to the cinema and short after my partner and friend go out for a meal.

Alone I start the blog and make myself tea before watching the women’s football international on TV. I am trying not to think about the reality of the up coming operation now it is a reality. It will be a full anaesthetic and a couple of nights in hospital. It feels like an all or nothing moment and I am not sure how I feel about that. I need some time to process how this is going to be handled. Right now I am just trying to keep my current symptoms under control and trying to figure out the best way to look after myself. At the moment I am tired and therefore not in the best place to make decisions so its time to contain my anxieties and give myself time to reflect.