Monday and I wake up to the sound of my youngest grandsons having breakfast an being handed a hot water by my partner. Apparently everyone slept well last night. By the time I get up for breakfast and morning meds the visiting family have gone to the village play ground to burn off some energy. I remain on the patio relaxing and continuing to think about “What is this”, referring of course to this moment in life after the chemo rechallenge and tapering off the steroids. I am no closer to an answer. It just feels like being becalmed. All I know is that in mid September I will have a blood test and my PSA will be either up or down, which in turn will effect the tone of my September oncology review. I’ve used eight months of the twelve to eighteen months my oncologist gave me to live. Frankly I do not feel very arsed about it because I’m not sure I believe him anymore. All I can do is get on with my life and wait. I’ve no levers to pull, nothing to control the thing inside me that’s supposedly killing me. Of course I am getting my regular twenty eight day jab of Degarelix, which just cuts my testosterone production and buggers about with my pituitary gland. Sometimes I wonder what its all been about but as I said to my partner I have seen my two youngest grandsons brought into the world and I’ve seen my eldest daughter achieve her doctorate. I’ve seen my son marry and his family thrive, and today he started a permeant job at the Stockholm Opera House. In all this I have been part lucky and part hard earning my survival to see all this. Perhaps what this is on one level, is a reflection period in the midst of the battle.

Any way the family return and there are drinks and biscuits as the grandchildren play before lunch is served. not long after lunch the visiting family are pulling out of the drive and heading for home. Some or all of them will return in a few days time in order to collect the new car they have bought this weekend. After a brief clear up, I retreat to the garden swing seat and have a long chat with my partner. After a while we both read until my partner waters the garden and I download the audio accompaniment to the guitar tutor book I have bought.

Early evening and I start to draft the blog while the first of the European athletics events take place. Thankfully its back on the BBC with competent presenters. I shall ease my way through the evening fuelled by sausage sandwiches and finally getting to bed with my night meds inside me.