Wednesday and I have a night disturbed by the most appalling wind! I might have to change my name to thunder arse. My gut was in turmoil so clearly something I ate or drank after being on toast for two days had disagreed with me. At the moment I am putting my money on either chicken soup or diet coke. But whatever it was I am back on toast today at least until tea time. My partner brings me hot water before she goes to see her mother for the morning. When I do get up I find I am alone in the house as my eldest daughter has gone to work.

True to my diagnosis I make toast for breakfast and wash down my morning meds with orange juice, so far so good. I try to read but get no where and end up watching The Big Bang Theory and catch the wedding episode between Sheldon and Amy, an iconic episode. Once through the episode I write a bit and deal with my emails and messages.

502
Dissociated and dampened
sitting and waiting to be better.
The outside world
not somewhere I want to be,
where everything is an effort,
where I used to belong
but now no longer me.
Not the me in my head,
the healthy, energetic one
who could fight and play
all the hours of the day.
This sofa hermit has no view,
no energy, no drive
apart to stay alive.
This self is on the edge of tears
and fears decline,
a drop into a pit
that blackly yawns 
to receive. 
This is a starving human,
losing its humanity 
in the fears of disappearing
and no one noticing.
The world goes on 
and always will
with or without me. 
					502 25-02-2026

By the time my partner has returned I am feeling more chipper and go for yet more toast for lunch. To my surprise the oncology team ring me early to do my oncology review. The whole thing takes no more than thirty seconds. The chap on the other end tells me my PSA is down, which I knew, and he is therefore authorising me to do the next cycle on Friday. And that was it. Very underwhelming really but the bottom line is I am moving forward. With the medical stuff out of the way I and my partner walk down to the chemist and collect my regular medications. From there it was onto the new enlarged village co-op to use the cash machine. Tomorrow the electrician is visiting to sort out my kitchen lights and at times he likes to be paid in cash. While I’m collecting real money I also pick up some more Lucozade, which my body seems to tolerate, and some other things that I think I might be able to eat. It was a brief walk home where I finally get to finish reading John Berryman’s 77 Dream Songs. I then promptly fall asleep until my partner feeds me tea. Feeling renewed I draft the blog and then settle down to watch The Brokenwood Mystery’s. My evening ends with my meds and bed.