Tuesday and I wake up in a strange hotel bed to the sound of other guests wandering corridors and banging doors. Before I can do anything my phone pings and there is a message from the friend I am seeing in the afternoon, she is ill an cannot see me. As I read the message I am aware that all is not well with my nose and I realise I have a nose bleed. Not a Niagara of blood but one that requires pinched nostrils and tissues. This is a real surprise and I am mindful that it is a contraindication to my taking Apixaban. I dress and go for breakfast dabbing at my nose. I eat my breakfast quickly gathering slightly bloody napkins as I go and then return to my room. Despite having said I would eat with a friend in the evening I decide I need to return home. I message my friend and start to pack. I am about to pack Elsie when my friend appears an gives my Christmas present and wishes me well. I checkout and drive home.

Elsie is a delight to drive and gets me home safe and sound. I ring my doctor’s surgery and report my nose bleed. The receptionist says she will pass my information on and sure enough I get a message back quite quickly. Apparently if my nose bleed lasts more than ten minutes I am to go to A&E or ring 999. I’m not sure what response I would get from 999 to a nose bleed. Anyway if I start to have frequent short duration nose bleeds then I have to go to the GP. Accompanying the message was an information sheet on how to manage nose bleeds if on blood thinners. 1. Use a prescribed nasal cream 4 times a day to prevent mild infection. 2. avoid blowing my nose for 2 weeks. 3.sneeze through my mouth for next 2 weeks. 3. avoid hot drinks for 2 weeks. 4. stop taking aspirin for 2 weeks. I read and take heed after which I unpack my clothes and send messages to people.

My partners visitor arrives and they sit and chat for ages until they go out for a meal. I order an Indian and settle down to watch the crucial Scotland v Denmark world cup game expecting a torrid affair and Scotland tragically but predictably beaten to an automatic qualifying place in next summers finals How wrong I was, it was a pulsating match with the swing of momentum going one way then another. In the end Scotland overcame a brave Danish side by scoring two sensational extra time goals. The crowd went wild, the commentators lost it and my mate on WhatsApp went wild too. Somewhere a lot of whiskey got drunk. I took my meds with a cold Lucozade and went to bed.

Wednesday I wake up feeling not so good as my partner got ready to go and see her mother. I took paracetamol, a scarce occurrence in the early morning and read my messages and emails before taking my vitals. My vitals are holding up well but I was feeling cold and decidedly off. I find myself jotting a poem, a reflection of where I am at the moment. Everything is overshadowed by the need to make a decision after last weeks gruelling oncology review and its inevitable that what I write at the moment reflects this. This is what fell out of my pen this morning.

474
My oncologist magician
Has run out of rabbits.
Now its old coney 
or lots of money
for a new bunny.
I could do nothing 
or be a guinea pig
but that’s about it.
Prognosis from the 
battered black hat
is four to six seasons,
maybe two cherry blossoms.
So I try to watch the toppers
as they get shuffled 
in my head
and tentatively point.
No lagomorpha, 
only a road to 
morphine. 
                                  474 19-11-25

I finally get out of bed, have my meds with a bagel and fruit juice and retreat to the sofa to catch up with the blog. On getting up I find that the 20 kilo bag of squirrel and bird peanuts have arrived alongside a squishy parcel that I have to forget for Christmas. My partner returns from seeing her mother just as I am putting new light bulbs in the kitchen lights and the cooker hood. With bulbs in place I return to blog drafting until its time to take a walk down into the village to buy extras for the meal tonight which my partner is cooking for her friend. I was not going to be here so I shall make myself scarce and give them time to chat. An opportunity for me to read or write until Shetland is on the TV. So that’s my evening sorted unless I do some heavy research on the options I have to choose from. Or I could begin to fill in my ” After I’m Gone ” book, one of those opportunities to write sensible wishes for once I am gone or to have a real laugh by insisting on bizarre post death wishes. I guess its time to find out if any of my family are eyeing up any of my prized possessions.

So I slide into late afternoon and a refreshing drink and jam doughnut and then onto the evening and ultimately meds and bed. Tomorrow I would have been driving home from York so I can afford another slow day but then I must get my arse in gear and start to train again and do the serious research and thinking. I am beginning to feel that I need to get this decision done, I can get on with Christmas then and my partners birthday.