Its a post jab Tuesday so I know I have to crack on early as possible as this is the day my energy desserts me early in the day. My newly retired partner is up and getting ready to meet a friend for coffee. She brings me my morning hot water and I take my vitals (all good) before getting up and climbing into my training kit. I make myself breakfast and put a load of washing in. I delay training to re connect the smart speakers in the house to the new internet hub. I putter for a while, just long enough to hang my first load of washing out and put a second load of ice hockey jerseys in. Then I train.

The session was hard but I get to the 45 minute mark tired but pleased to have made the effort. 8 kilometres is not bad after a 16 day break from training. Now I have to get back into the swing of regular training. I record the session in my journal and then change out of my training kit. There is another load of washing to hang out and a white wash to put in. I have soup and bread on the patio with my partner who has returned. I find myself restless and end up filling the bird and squirrel feeders before taking pictures of some of the flowers that have come out in the garden.

By now I am flagging and as I put out the last load of washing on the line I know I need to rest. I retreat to the sofa and look at the disarray at my end of the sofa and I know the office space is in need of a good clear out but I will not manage that today. You either have the spoons (energy) or not and right now the answer is not. As I sit on the sofa trying to formulate a plan for clearing space in the office and at my end of the sofa I find myself jotting in my journal, which turns into a sort of poem.

440
I draw a complete and utter blank
starring at the cherry blossom
and taking bets with myself
how long it will survive.
The garden runs amok
and the office is a midden
after I have changed the Hub.
My end of the sofa is chaos, 
the cold frame is not built
and Phase two of shed building 
is a far-flung fancy.
I’ve trained, I’ve done my washing,
(lovely drying day),
But now I draw a complete and utter blank. 
I have fantasies about ending wars,
Of peace and miraculous tidiness.
I recall friendships and feel lonely
and let my mind wander further
than I probably should.
With so little done I am 
already spoonless
and here I am stuck
in the foothills of clutter.
I know what needs doing,
I’ve a smart new list maker 
on my cleverer than me phone
but now I draw a complete and utter blank.
I’ve finished the wine gums
and I am reaching for a Crunchie
but not before I do my hand exercises 
to stretch my scars,
and still my injection site 
from yesterday is sore.
It’s a gnawing dissatisfaction
that sounds as if it’s just,
“Poor me”.
But I am struggling, and vaguely 
resentful that I have no telekinesis.
I’d like a plug in energy boost,
an inspiration or something brain fed,
but now I draw a complete and utter blank.
I must find a way of breaking free,
of moving mountains or at least 
doing the basic.
My head sees it but my body
is otherwise engaged. 
This damn cellular war is relentless,
there’s no negotiation table,
no intermediary to help balance
argument and actions. 
There is just warfare inside
that has time on its side,
an enemy that laughs 
each time the clocks springs forward,
or an ordinary accident befalls me.
Each everyday mishap fuels the advance
and I wrack my mind for weapons,
strategies and tactics to retaliate
but I draw a complete and utter blank.

							444  01-04-2025

This burst of writing has to be captured and numbered and put in its place in my “All I Have” file and the best way of doing that is to put it into the blog, so I start to draft todays blog. So it is now early evening and the drift into a sunny sunset starts. There will be tea and I will be rounding up washing from the line and sorting it into neat piles to store away once again. Tonight there might be football, there may not but there will be last minute Tesco changes and then the sleeping rituals will start, meds, finger splint and last minute messages and checks. Tomorrow the office tidying is my mission, it will be brutal.