Tuesday, but really it is 3:37am on Wednesday, I am gripped by insomnia. I am exhausted but cannot sleep, my gut lumps ache so in an attempt to get myself to the point of exhaustion where sleep takes over I draft this. Tuesday was a day of fatigue where all I was good for was accompanying my partner to a supermarket to shop for fresh food having not ordered a Tesco delivery thinking we might go away. I have not got the energy for that which frustrates us both and makes me feel guilty. I am usually quite good at ploughing on and finding ways through but this sleeplessness is new to me. Sitting here in the near dark makes me appreciate a back lit keyboard and a warm drink. The dilemma is whether to take a co-codamol or not. I know it numbs me and makes me sleepy but also plays havoc with gut and binds me up, it seems there is no simple solutions any more. I recall from my college days that the lecturer on sleep put himself on a 48 hour sleep cycle so that he slept one night in two so that he would sleep for 12 hours when he did, but I know in my gut, literally, that it would not work in this situation. There is great reluctance on my part to start taking any kind of drugs to induce sleep so I continue to try and work out a solution. Normally I would lay still and rhythmically breathe but I am so restless I find it difficult to maintain this and inevitably change position, or bed, or the attempt to sleep, hence the drafting of this.

This is something new to me and and I guess its a new part of my cancer journey. I am wondering if after 15 cycles of my current chemo the side effects of the drug is catching up with me. My partner and I discussed taking a holiday from my drugs to see what happened and to stop recording all my ins and outs in my journal along with my vitals. We even discussed not doing the blog any more. Has it become a chore and not the novel way of helping family and friends know how I am without the need to have tricky conversations? I do not know so continue to draft and post it. In the here and now I’m tempted to take co-codamol with a warm drink and see if it gets me back to sleep and deal with the aftermath tomorrow. For now its the warm drink and another attempt to find a comfortable position to try and sleep in. I find myself yawning but know this is a trap and will persevere a little long just to make sure I am truly ready for another go at sleeping.