Saturday and I wake first and make my partner tea in bed. We chat before I take my vitals and check my cyber messages and litter. Once up I make a light breakfast and take a walk to the village chemist to collect my monthly order of drugs including Mondays injection. Yep its that time of the month, which means come Sunday I will be taking prophylactic paracetamol. Anyway I walk home picking up a paper and some doughnuts on the way. By the time I get home I feel absolutely knackered. I had planned to go to the gym while my partner had a pedicure at the club spa. but I could not face it.

I tried to distract myself by watching snooker, athletics and writing a couple of poems but I continue to feel pretty rank. Of course I am scared that I am going to slip back to how I was last weekend and try to relax. My partner makes lunch and I continue to try and rest doing crosswords and keeping an eye on the athletics. I read for a while but I am becoming more and more frustrated with myself. Its the pervasive feeling that something is not right that constantly niggles at me. I think it is partly to do with coming to the end of my 28 day injection cycle. In a moment of frustration with myself I drag out the Circulation Max Reviver and give my feet thirty minutes electric stimulation. I take a rest and read for a while in the quiet of the bedroom before my partner askes me to run my eye over a draft document. It takes a little while to get my head in gear but I manage it and help send it off to her brother to read and comment on.

All during this time I revert back to drinking a lot of water and trying to remain as hydrated as possible, my anxiety is high and I am twitchy about any exercise in case I trigger a worsening of my condition. Its the swings from feeling relatively well and positive to the sense of apprehension that is difficult to manage. Staying calm without apprehension is the difficult. I would like to just get on with things but find myself regularly assessing whether I am doing the right things to keep me as well as possible, which leads to a sense of vulnerability. I know I want to be active, to not fear the Real World and to get out and about but fear exercise adn effort will trigger the bleeding into my bladder. I feel between the devil and the deep blue sea. My solution is to take one day at a time and set really small goals, like fill the squirrel feeder, type up poems and prepare for the next attempt to publish. I try to stay organised and to make contributions around the house. Every so often I check my social media. I did post something on LinkedIn and was surprised how many people responded in a supportive way. Everything else has been muted.

The evening passes and I end up drafting the blog, taking my meds and going to bed. Before I do though I challenge myself to think about the day and whether its been as bad as I feel it has been. Its true my gut has been off and I have lacked energy but I did get a lovely card from a friend in Scotland, I’ve drafted two poems and read for a while. I have also toyed with a thought I had when I woke up. I have been watching a lot of Mock the Week clips of scenes we would like to see. I thought about the one that goes “Things you wouldn’t see on an exam paper”. My thought for that one was: Religious Education, Question 1 “if there are no right or wrong answers how will God score you?” It amused me at the time. Electrocuting my feet was fun, I shall do it more often. Of course the major positive of the day has been no blood in my urine or pain. Its amazing what we take for granted, and what cancer forces us to reconsider. I also noted the first cherry blossoms of the year on a neighbours cherry tree. In fact Spring is everywhere. Note to self, “join in”.