Wednesday and my partner goes to work, real work to do a face to face meeting. She leaves early and brings me decaf coffee before she goes. I cannot get back to sleep so get up and have time for muesli and meds before the first football match of the day. South Africa beat Italy in a really good match. There is time for me to send emails to the solicitor dealing with my sisters estate and to send her the gas bill for the London house. By the time I have done all of this and unloaded the dishwasher its time to watch Jamaica draw with Italy, knocking them out much to the pundits surprise.

I walk to the post office where I send my letter to the solicitor by recorded delivery and top up my stamp stock. Its a short walk down to the village shop where I pick up a paper on my way to the village café. I do the crosswords and puzzles while I eat my egg and bacon baguette. I always forget the dangers of this combination in the face of the flimsy paper serviettes that the café provides, which also ends up with me getting sticky egg fingers as the yokes seep from the bread. The taste is great, its the eating management that is the stressor. I finish the crosswords and the hot chocolate and wend my way home. I bring the bins in and then flop on the sofa and attempt to read more of Amor Towles’s A Gentleman In Moscow. Recently I have been experiencing more extreme hot flushes, which are uncomfortable and stop me from being able to concentrate on reading and writing. So my time trying to read is not a good experience. I find it frustrating but my vitals are all good and seem not to be affected by the flushes, its a weird sensation and it feels as if my body is playing tricks on me.

My partner returns from work and is followed shortly after by our guest for the night. They are not in long before they go out to dine, followed quickly by my eldest daughter who goes to the gym. So left alone I have chicken soup and try to read some. more, but unsuccessfully and I give in and watch a couple of episodes of the Witcher. Total magical elf and human tosh which is of course violent and full of fantasy stuff like a woman finding her self lead across a desert by a unicorn and having a forty days and forty night experience of her unconscious. Like I say it is tosh but requires no brain power at all, which suits me. My partner and friend return, the Witcher ends and I retreat to bed to draft the blog and then read, having taken my night meds.

This day must sound very bland but underneath this bland day I think I am psychologically paddling very hard. I’ve not trained as it seems that any physical effort induces blood in in my urine so I am scared to train and I am becoming inert. The will there or wont there be blood in my pee is always the question now. I will be giving a blood test on Friday before my next oncology review next Thursday, so I will be interested in what that shows and whether my PSA is still coming down. So I think much of my sense at the moment is one of anxiety and I spend most of my time trying to relax and rest. Perhaps I just need to get out more, or I need to spend more time in the Shed. During this time friends message me and tell me what they are doing which is really nice, there is clearly a world out there where life is going on, I am just finding it difficult to join in at the moment.