Sunday and I am glum. Despite an interesting Stanza meeting and an enjoyable meal with friends last night I am glum. I’ve just weighed in. My scales tell me I am 96.9 kilos, that is an increase of a 1 kilo this week. This is terrible. I’ve been trying so hard to eat sensibly and to exercise. My belief has always been that if I cut out the sweet stuff and some of the starch, combined with exercise I lose weight. It appears that at the moment I am wrong and need to think again. I go thorough my training/diet journal and try to identify what I can do differently. No honey on the muesli, less bread (not that there is a lot), no more non alcohol beer as I suspect it has more sugar in it than I think, no more dried fruit snacks, no more occasional crisps. On the training side I need to do more and up the intensity providing this does not make me piss blood afterwards. The real problem is, I think, that my life style is too sedentary. I am not getting out much, despite yesterdays trips and walking to the shop occasionally. Its a Catch 22, I have less energy to spend but unless I spend more I will not lose weight. It requires another act of will, it requires me to remain steadfast in my Rocket phase strategy until my next oncology review in January. This whole position is against the backdrop of my latest blood results which were equally gloom inducing. The basic sense is that there is less I can control or influence without greater effort which is increasingly difficult to muster the energy for. This is the truly insidious nature of my cancer, it never rests, never takes a day off and grinds away remorselessly. There is no winning only delay, a rear-guard action. The temptation is to say fuck it and just indulge, a capitulation, total surrender and go down drunk, drugged and defeated. I can’t do that. I promised myself that I would do this with dignity, determination and dialogue. So although I’m not sure what the immediate solutions are I will continue to look for them and think and feel my way through this. Onwards.
Today is world cup final day. I shall watch of course but I am not “gripped” by the prospect. All this before breakfast and before taking my partner a warm drink in bed. On the brighter side (literally) I have replaced batteries in the light up festive rabbit and stag that sit in our window as we get Christmassy. So starts this Sunday, just another day in the journey.
My partner and I breakfast and then head for the garden centre to buy vegetables and meat. We also pick up some extra Christmas fripperies before heading home to yet more coffee and a mince pie. We face time our youngest daughter and catch up with arrangements. Its then time to settle down to watch the world cup final.
Well what a final. The best I’ve seen in all my years. I think the best team won. The French almost did not turn up at all and only got into it at the end. Like many others I am pleased that Messi finally got to win the world cup and step out of the shadow of Maradona. It was a breath taking game and kept me absorbed the entire time.
There is just time to eat tea before I move onto the first episode of His Dark Materials. I discover that all the episodes are on i-player, which means that at some point I might binge it. Tonight I confine myself to the first episode only as my partner and I need to catch up with the final of Strictly, which we missed last night due to being out with friends All day we have avoided knowing the result. We watch and are collectively pleased with the outcome.
Tomorrow is the day to pack away the Christmas decoration storage boxes back in the loft and to get the house straight for Christmas. The tricky bit is getting myself up to Rocket standard and to start the grind again. Its back to going forward and seeing what happens. Then of course there are the last minute Christmas cards and letters. For now I fill my drugs wallets, take my night meds and go to bed believing that I can Rocket again tomorrow.
